Here Are The 50 Things Every "Real Man" Should Know And, Believe It Or Not, I Didn't Do So Well

List is from DailyMail. Here we go…

1. His wedding anniversary date

Not applicable. 1 for 1.

2. Basic DIY

When things break I just don’t acknowledge that they’re broken.

3. How to change a light bulb

I know how to do this, I just don’t know how to remember to buy light bulbs.

4. How to tie up a tie

Yes.

5. How to read a map

My phone reads it to me.

6. His partner’s favorite drink

I don’t even know my own favorite drink. I’m really embarrassed about that. Need a go-to drink so bad.

7. How to iron a shirt

Yeah but I’m not gonna win any awards for it. If I’m wearing a jacket that night I only iron the front though, think that’s a life hack.

8. How to change a tire

If it was life or death I could probably get it done. But it’s easier to just throw that AAA plastic.

9. How to wet shave correctly

I don’t know what wet shave is but if that’s just shaving then yes.

10. The right amount of aftershave to use

Don’t use aftershave.

11. How to change a fuse

Ehhhhhh.

12. When a woman says ‘I’m fine’ she is not fine

I’m well aware she’s not fine, but I’m gonna ignore it until she snaps and I can say “You said you were fine!”

13. How to put up a shelf

Why would I ever need to put up a shelf?

14. How to polish his shoes

Know how to do it, don’t do it.

15. How to give a confident handshake

I give a great handshake. But I’m so focused on the shake that I’m never gonna remember your name.

16. How many inches are in a foot

That’s not something a man should know. It’s just something a person over 5 should know.

17. When to accept defeat and apologize

No surrender no retreat.

18. Know the offside rule

Sure.

19. The year England won the World Cup

I guess the American equivalent is probably Miracle on Ice? 1980. Suck it.

20. How to do his own laundry

Yeah, but I don’t. Dry cleaning is the biggest no brainer in history. Every time I get the bill I think “Whoa that’s pretty expensive.” Then I think “That’s totally worth it.”

21. How to fix a bike puncture

Fuck your bike.

22. How to jumpstart a car

Got that one.

23. How to parallel park

Sneaky the thing I’m best at in life. 1, breathing. 2, parallel parking.

24. The difference between ale and lager

Not some fancy pants beer snob.

25. The best way to carve meat

No clue.

26. His own height

My height is close enough to 6 feet to lie about being 6 feet.

27. How to drive in snow

Don’t.

28. What wires represent earth, live and neutral

None of those words make sense to me.

29. How to introduce himself

“Hi, I’m John.” Crushed it.

30. His parents’ address

Pretty easy one.

31. What the football scores were at the weekend

More or less. Not bothering to remember the score of a Rams/Dolphins game.

32. How to light a BBQ

Put special rocks in the metal bowl, cover them in flammable liquid, drop a match.

33. When a woman says ‘Do what you want’ do not do what you want

Same as the “fine” one. I’m gonna do what I want and the blood is on your hands for not being honest.

34. How to change oil

No but the Jiffy Lube guy is great at it. Also great at giving me special deals on all these other things that I totally definitely need. Don’t get that kind of quality service if you do it yourself.

35. What the biggest recent football trades are

Yes.

36. How to build a fire

Crumple paper, stack wood, drop a match. I’m pretty good at setting stuff ablaze.

37. Which way is north

Up.

38. How to use the contents of the toolbox

I can hammer and screwdrive until the cows come home.

39. How to tune in a telly

This feels outdated. Call Comcast and fight for a week then someone will come.

40. How many miles are left after the gas light appears

50 very stressful miles.

41. How to fix a toilet

Same way you fix a car engine: take the top off, stare and fiddle with shit for a bit, call someone who knows what they’re doing.

42. How to put someone in a recovery position

No.

43. His personal alcohol limits

I’ll let you know when I find them. OHHHHHH!!!!!! (just kidding, I’ve peed the bed an awful lot)

44. Change a battery on a car

No.

45. How to get a car unstuck

Jam wood under the tire, or something like that. I think there’s something with kitty litter too.

46. The words to the national anthem

Yesh.

47. How to change a diaper

Never tried but can’t be that hard.

48. How to perform CPR

I know you’re supposed to pump their chest to the beat of “Stayin Alive” (thanks, The Office.)

49. How to put up a tent

Why would I go camping when we have houses?

50. Who are favorites to win the Super Bowl