Gronk Spared No One At The David Ortiz Roast And Dropped An A+++++ Super Bowl Joke

I’ll be perfectly honest with everyone: I didn’t watch this entire thing. I’m not much of a roast guy. Call me a sweetheart but I just get very uncomfortable when I watch people get made fun of to their face. It just makes me feel not good. I prefer to see people roasted behind the armor of a keyboard and an internet connection, which we all know renders insults meaningless and makes it impossible to hurt feelings.

But, for the jokes I did catch, here’s what I’ve got for grades:

“Anthony Mackie was Falcon in Captain America: Civil War and you were terrible. I haven’t seen a Falcon look that bad since the second half of the Super Bowl… I didn’t even play in the fuckin’ game, and I’m still goin’ to the Hall of Fame.”

A++++++++. That’s how you dance on a grave and that’s how you deter any “you didn’t even play!” clapbacks. “I didn’t even play in the fuckin’ game and I’m still goin’ to the Hall of Fame” is one of my favorite lines in the history of the English language.

“What’s the point of a black guy being able to fly except to get away from the cops?”

B-. It’s a solid joke, I won’t say other wise. But I had to slap the minus on there because while black people vs cops jokes used to rule the roost, they’ve taken on a slightly different meaning in the past two years.

“You wanna know why Jews do play football? To get their quarter back you cheap fuck.”

We gotta be honest in the grading system or we lose all credibility, that’s an F- right there. It’s not just because my name is Feitelberg so I’m sensitive about Jewish jokes and get scared by the German language, it’s just a not good joke. We told that, what, when we were at recess in 2nd grade? Telling that in 2017 on a stage is just bad joking.

“They cancelled David Ortiz bobblehead night because the bobblehead was racist and insensitive… pfff, like that could ever happen in Boston.”

That’s a fucking home run. I’m not totally sure what he’s talking about because I never saw video evidence of people being racist, but that’s still a great fucking joke.

“Now that you’re retired, three fuckin’ strikes means they kick you out of the country.”

Beautiful. Again, just beautiful.

All in all I gave Gronk an A here. Yeah, there was that bad Jewish joke that was just old but he still fucking crushed it up there. Shoutout to whoever wrote those and shoutout to Gronk for having good delivery.