Grading The Third Presidential Debate Performances
Another debate, another round of performance reviews. Last night was… well it happened. It existed. It carried on. I don’t want to give away too much in terms of my grades before we even get there, so without further ado let’s hop in.
Commission On Presidential Debates
The fact that last night’s format was identical to the first debate’s format — just two clowns standing at podiums 20 feet away from each other — was the biggest letdown since ‘Nam. Boring as fuck. They needed to be at each other’s throats. A lawless town hall at worst, a hell-in-a-cell cage match at best. Last night was doomed from the start.
Commission On Presidential Debates Grade: F
Moderator Chris Wallace
Watch: Chris Wallace had to shush the crowd after they laughed when Trump said “nobody has more respect for women than I do.” pic.twitter.com/bkathsU3Lu
— Los Angeles Times (@latimes) October 20, 2016
Chris Wallace thought he was the big man on campus last night. Thought it was his show and it would be run by his rules. And it was BRUTAL. He shushed the crowd like 30 times. Hey Wallace, you ever seen Gladiator bro? You want to win your freedom, gotta win the crowd. Everybody knows that.
A little too much capital J from C-Wallace last night. Next time let ‘em loose buddy. Squid city and that’s the opposite of what we wanted.
Moderator Chris Wallace (yes, related to Mike Wallace) Grade: D
Donald Trump
Weird night for The Donald. From a traditional “debate” standpoint, I think he was better than he’s been. He discussed policy on a relatively decent level, maintained his cool, didn’t say anything ridiculously stupid, and showed a better demeanor and temperament than anytime before. If he were ahead by 5 points heading into last night, it would’ve been a great night for him.
But he’s not. He’s undoubtedly trailing, in some polls by double-digits, and needed a UUUGE night. He didn’t have it. From the outset it was clear he wasn’t going to be nasty, ruthless, “yes I’m going there” Donald. He began to get riled up the longer it went, as is tradition, but he never got wild.
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He did still have some hilarious moments, like when he repeatedly just said “wrong” into the mic as Hillary spoke.
.@realDonaldTrump: “Wrong … wrong … wrong.” pic.twitter.com/XcIMN5iA9R
— POLITICO (@politico) October 20, 2016
Solid “debating” based on the bar he’s set, but nothing special. He also flat out said he won’t accept the election results, which means we don’t just have a few more weeks of this circus — we’ve got SEVERAL months/years/decades.
Donald Trump Grade: C+
Hillary Clinton
Did Hillary have an awesome night? Nope. Did Hillary deliver any type of finishing blow? Nope. Did Hillary have any memorable, iconic lines, at any point in all three of the debates? Nope. But she never needed to and she knows it. Hillary’s goal last night was to, at the very least, tie Donald Trump. Turn in an equal debate performance and this thing’s over. We’ve used “run out the clock” as a metaphor far too often in this race, but it’s precisely accurate for last night. She just needed to show up, go through the motions, not make any gaffes, not faint, and get the fuck out of there.
She did that. This thing is fucking over. Here is your next POTUS, ladies and gentlemen, like it or not.
Hillary Clinton Grade: C+ (but also kind of an A)
Davey Pageviews
What in the fuck kind of sitting posture is that? Why can no one sit down at this company? Or during presidential debates for that matter?
“Hello I’ve never sat down before” pic.twitter.com/8W16O5tAZa
— Sam Riggs (@RiggsBarstool) October 10, 2016
Wild stuff. Dave was Dave last night — he egged on his father, he tried to make Big Cat nervous, he panicked about his AIDS eyes. Davey Pageviews was Davey Pageviews and despite our affection for hating on him, he’s always entertaining.
Davey Pageviews Grade: B
Mikey Pageviews Esquire (Mr. Portnoy)
It’s been well-established that Mr. Portnoy is electric. Even when he’s yawning and half-asleep, he’s electric. Even when he’s sober and clueless as to what’s going on around him, he’s electric. The reason I mention sober is because he was literally a bizarro world version of Debate-One-Chaps last night. Despite having absolutely zero intoxication level, he continually asked “wait are we live?” and whispered to Dave and Dan while mic’d up. It was Chaps, identical yet so, so different.
And his passion for hating yet being fascinated by Trump marinated in his voice. Viva la Mikey Pageviews Esquire forever.
Mikey Pageviews Esquire Grade: A-
Big Cat
What can you say? When your squad wins 10-2 on the road in one of the biggest games in franchise history and you had to consume it next to 3 idiots trying to watch a debate, you had a good night.
As a Cards fan, I don’t like it. But as an “I call it how I see it” guy, have to say Big Cat had himself a Wednesday. Battled through what could have been a crushing night and strutted outta here on top.
When someone says the #Cubs are finished@BarstoolBigCat https://t.co/lxQVzNz7JS
— Heavens! (@HeavensHawkeye) October 20, 2016
Big Cat Grade: A-
Riggsy
Little disappointed in myself. I should have been more assertive. I should have been more dominant. I should have taken the debate by the horns and turned that hour-and-a-half snoozer into some sort of circus, but I didn’t.
Oh and I got rocked for 4 ER.
On a more positive Riggsy-related note, I did officially become Uncle Sam (yes my first name is Sam) shortly after midnight. A life-long goal of mine. Stoolies + coworkers alike really impressed me with their kind reactions.
My family and I thank you dearly for your kind support.
Riggsy Grade: B-
And that wraps up the debates. This seemingly never-ending fuckery of an election cycle is actually damn near over. Just under 3 weeks until Hillary Clinton officially becomes president-elect and then we’ll enter an era where Donald Trump goes from the 70-year-old, controversial Republican nominee to the senile, crazy old guy screaming about how he got screwed out of the presidency on his own network.
Fun times, fun times.