Feminists Say That The Best Way To Get A Good Boyfriend Is To Bang Him In The Ass

(Jezebel) — Want to make straight men better in bed — and better feminist allies? The path may be simple: fuck them up the ass. According to one brand new book, the path to making men more compassionate, appreciative and playful may be straight through their butts. In The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure: Erotic Exploration for Men and Their Partners, Charlie Glickman and Aislinn Emirzian make the case that straight “men who get into anal penetration are among the most secure in their masculinity: because they’ve examined themselves, faced their fears.” Despite the title of the book, the authors make the case that the payoff for prostate play — specifically by a woman using a dildo or other toy — isn’t just pleasure. It’s liberation from the masculine straitjacket, with happy consequences that extend well outside the bedroom.

Let’s say that I’ve never been mistaken for the manliest man in the room. The only thing masculine about me is my penchant for beef jerky and canned beans. I can’t grow a mustache, love chick flicks, and thanks to Armageddon I still cry every time I hear “Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing.” I’m basically gay except for the part when it comes to gay stuff. So I have a bone to pick with this whole “liberation from the masculine straitjacket” thing. I Houdini’ed out of that thing ages ago. I just told all 15 people who still read this site when Pres is gone that I’m a pussy. Trust me, it’s not my masculinity that makes me a bad boyfriend.

But bangin’ me in the ass still ain’t gonna change that. Once you’re done putting a hurtin on me I’m still gonna want a beer and I’ll ask what the score of the Bruins game last night was. If you fuck your guy’s ass and he starts acting all “playful, compassionate, and appreciative” then you know what? You fucked the gay out of his colon closet. Because those are the gayest words to describe a man in history. He was gay the whole time and now that you banged him he’s like “Welp, no turning back now. Midas whale go full RENT on everybody.”

So congrats on your gay bf. Because in all honesty, it’s probably better. Either have a guy to talk about “betches” and shop and eat kale with or some big dude who just wants to stick things in your holes and have you do stuff for him. The former sounds like a romantic comedy and the latter sounds like prison.