FBI Finds Stolen Tom Brady Super Bowl Jersey in Some Foreign Country. Prepare for War.

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First of all, nice job, NFL Security. In a world filled with foreign nationals who mean America harm and North Korean leaders getting assassinated with nerve toxins in the middle of busy airports, you’re letting double agents run wild in the Super Bowl locker room and steal America’s sacred artifacts. Way to go. I guess you were so caught up in making sure no one from Barstool got within shouting distance of that soulless, despicable, cotton-mouthed homunculus you call a boss that you didn’t properly vet the people you really should have been trying to catch.

Second, I think we can safely assume that once we find out which country this jersey was in – and I’m hearing reports they actually recovered Brady’s jersey from Super Bowl XLIX in the same place – that we invade, right? I mean, maybe it’s a friendly country and we just need to go in there, establish some law and order and get out like we did in Grenada in the 1980s. More likely it’s a hostile threat and the government needs to be toppled. But regardless, you can’t let a thing like this go unchallenged. What if whoever stole that jersey is working on human cloning? What if they’re able to create their own Tom Brady? Or imagine the nightmare scenario of an army of Bradys, under the control of a foreign despot? No. We have to maintain our Brady superiority at all costs.

This is an act of war, and it requires a show of strength. No different than the Russians taking over the Crimea, Archduke Ferdinand getting killed to kick off World War I or Ramsay Bolton declaring himself King of the North. When a great power gets challenged like this, a swift and decisive military response in the only way to maintain our respect around the world. So now we wait until Jay Glazer tells us which rogue nation is responsible. In the meantime, I’ll be down at the recruiting office signing up.

 

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