Dude Live Tweets The Shit Out Of A Couple's Break Up

Little known fact about me: I love watching/listening to couples fight. It’s a weird hobby, I know. I know it annoys most people, but not me. I use it as a relationship deterrent (read: I pretend it’s the reason I don’t have a girlfriend when in reality I just can’t find one). You know how when you see kids crying in public or acting like little shits you think, “Yup, that’s why I don’t want kids”? That’s how I treat couple fights. I listen closely and nod my head and say, “Why don’t I have a girlfriend? So I don’t have to have fights about who’s texting me at 7 PM on a Wednesday.”

Anyway, get your popcorn ready… show’s about to start!

Don’t care if it “ruins” a relaxing evening. Still jealous of witnessing a couples fight.

Does anyone besides this girl know what is “right below” marriage?

Girls don’t even like their roommates or friends, why should a guy have to?

See? She hates them too.

The number one fighting tactic of chicks: speak/yell incoherently then get mad when you don’t understand.

Calling someone ‘cruel’ makes me laugh. It’s so dramatic, like you’re a villain who’s been plotting this.

According to a girlfriend, every text you get is from some girl she made up in her head, who you have porno sex with all the time.

In middle school, girls would have their AIM status with some quote about how love is trusting someone indefinitely. Then they grew up and decided love is someone who lets you go through their phone.

The NUMBER ONE reason a guy doesn’t want a girlfriend.

Asking a guy where he sees himself in 1 year is the most pointless question ever. We don’t do planning. When that question is asked in a job interview, our answer is always a lie. We don’t know.

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See? Guy’s can’t think in terms of, like, time and shit. It’s science.

Flip it right around on her. Well played.

That’s how girls think. If you’re not with your girlfriend at all times then the only other explanation is you’re fucking other people.

Amen to that, brother. Tell me what you want, but if it isn’t heterosexual sex right this second then I’m probably not interested.

NOT INTERESTED!

Great question. What exactly IS living together? What does an apartment MEAN? Don’t be so vague with your questions.

Uh oh. Worst question to be asked during a breakup. You don’t want to say no, because then you have to have the “You’ve been using me for sex!” fight. But you don’t want to say yes because then you have to stay together for a few more months.

“Not into labels.” Nice. Good evasive maneuver.

Shit, she’s hip to the plan.

Can’t have make-up sex or break-up in public. Take this convo private. Veteran move.

Yeah, we’re not in some romantic comedy.

Admittedly, you’re probably right.

“Look if this conversation isn’t leading to sex or pizza then I really have no desire to keep talking” – basically the only thought running through every guy’s head at all times.

There’s a distinct possibility that happens as soon as this is done.

I cannot count the amount of times I’ve had this sentence said to me.

Sooooo…. no pizza or sex?

There is a 1000000% chance this couple is still together. If a breakup doesn’t end with a definitive “We’re done. This is over. Goodbye” then you always get back together. If you end it with “whatever” then you’ll be Facebook official again by the end of the week.