Dude Got So Drunk He Forgot Who Stole His Penis

(Vienna) – The employees of a fast food restaurant at Gasometer (Vienna) noticed a haggard man, who was wandering around yesterday (Sun) around 7 a.m. There were stains of blood on his clothes. When policemen stopped Maciej P., he said that he was fine. The Polish man who smelled of alcohol and had clearly taken tablets was nevertheless taken to hospital. There, the doctors discovered that his penis and testicles had been surgically removed. “The victim was questioned briefly after the surgical treatment. He cannot recall what had happened”, said spokesperson of the police Adina Mircioane.

The other morning I woke up and couldn’t find my phone anywhere. Went into absolute panic mode. It wasn’t on my nightstand, wasn’t in my bed, wasn’t in my jeans from the night before. Wasn’t anywhere. As I searched the house I was absolutely dreading having to call AT&T and head over to the Apple store and get a new phone. It easily would have been a 3 hour inconvenience that would have cost me about 500 bucks. Kinda seems like I overreacted now, right? Nothing puts a missing iPhone in perspective like a missing dick and balls.  Yeah it really sucks not getting to text your friends and check your Twitter for a day sucks but not being able to piss or have sex or be a man is decidedly worse. While iPhones are replaceable you really only get one shot with your penis.