Does This Look Like The Face Of A Guy Who Stole 5 Steaks From Wal-Mart By Putting Them On The Seat Of His Rascal And Riding Away?

SOURCE – A Wal-Mart customer weighing 350 pounds was nabbed for allegedly stealing rib-eye steaks, putting them on his scooter seat and sitting on top of them. The incident took place Tuesday afternoon at a Wal-Mart in Spartanburg, South Carolina, according to a police report obtained by The Smoking Gun. The alleged thief, 43-year-old Rodney Fowler, was arrested on a first offense shoplifting charge. A loss prevention worker saw him in the store‘s meat section and told police ‘she observed a white male […] select 5 pieces of rib-eye steak and place them in the seat of a motorized handicapped scooter that he was riding around the store,’ according to the report. ‘Suspect sat on the steaks and exited the store passing all points of sale, without attempting to pay for said merchandise,’ the document said.

 
First of all, I love Rodney’s plan. How does he think he’s gonna get all those steaks out the front door? He’s gonna have Wal-Mart’s own motorized scooter roll em out for him. It may have lacked the execution of the Danny Ocean crew, but I appreciate the idea. Obvious question after he was caught, though: what did they do with the steaks? Obviously Rodney shouldn’t have been hiding a bunch of Wal-Mart rib-eyes in his asshole and setting sail for the exits in his rascal. But I imagine those steaks had been marinating in some warm, funky taint juices for quite a while by the time the cops arrived; Wal-Mart can’t just throw em back on the shelves like nothing ever happened, but it definitely seems wrong to let those wonderful cuts of meat go waste by tossing em in the trash. The way I see it, Wal-Mart should mark those steaks as having been teabagged by a 350-pound, mustachioed behemoth and see if they get any buyers on the cheap just like how a real estate agent has to disclose that the previous owner was running a meth lab in the basement. If that works it’s fantastic, but if not, Rodney should just get to keep his steaks. I’m worried that he might literally die of a broken heart if he has to watch sent out back to the trash. No mother should ever have to see their child buried, and no fat man should ever have to watch the steaks he stole thrown into a dumpster. Some pains are just too great.