Boston.com Love Letters - I've Never Had A Relationship
The Question
Dear Meredith,
I am a 29-year-old woman. I’m a college graduate, gainfully employed, I have great friends and family, and I’ve been told I’m pretty by people who are not related to me. However, I have never had a boyfriend or had sex — ever. I do online dating and go to singles events and date fairly frequently, but I’ve just never clicked with anyone, and while there have been a few guys I’ve had strong feelings for, none of them have reciprocated. That’s why I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve never had sex because, although I do desire to have it, the idea of having sex with someone I don’t have a connection with has no appeal to me. My only two criteria for losing my virginity are that we must be in a committed relationship and we must be in love, and that has just not happened yet.
Here is my question: How unreasonable are my expectations? Is it realistic to expect a guy I do click with not to be freaked out by my lack of experience? Are there any guys willing to wait until there’s a commitment (not marriage or anything like that, just an official relationship) to have sex? Do most guys just expect sex after a certain number of dates? In the past, it’s come up on dates that I’ve never been in a relationship, and those guys reacted as if I was admitting to something truly shameful. I can’t imagine what a guy would say if he knew that I’m a virgin for non-religious reasons.
Let me know what you and your readers think.
– Trying to Get Un-single, Boston
Meredith Hoss Goldstein Answer
A: Your expectations aren’t unreasonable … except … sometimes being intimate with someone is a part of what helps you fall in love with them. If you find someone you like, I want you to get to know them emotionally and physically. You don’t have to have sex with anyone before you’re ready, but you can’t always jump to love before you hit the start button. I think that liking someone very, very much is enough to justify some kind of sexual relationship. As for disclosing your lack of relationship experience on dates, you can frame that however you want. You can say, “There’s been no one significant,” or, “I’ve spent my 20s getting myself together.” And be confident about those answers — because they’re true.
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Readers? Should she talk about her virginity? How should she frame her relationship history? Are her expectations unreasonable? Help.
– Meredith
El Pres Answer
Dear Trying to Get Un-single
Newflash. You aren’t pretty. You’re gross. Whoever told you that you’re pretty was lying or just trying not to hurt your feelings. How do I know? Because you’re 29, single and never had a boyfriend or sex. Not because of religious beliefs or anything, but because you’ve never connected with a dude. Umm that’s virtually impossible. Hell even if you were a 4 you could find guys who at the very least would pretend to love you so they could bang you. So yes you have unrealistic expectations based on the fact you haven’t come to grips with the fact you’re ugly. It’s time to lower your expectations. There are lots of fatzos, gross dudes, drunk dudes who will bang anything. That’s all you’re going to get at this point. So either settle or turn lesbian. It’s one or the other.
PS – Being a virgin isn’t a turnoff by the way. I’d kill to bang a hot virgin. Taking a chick’s virginity is the balls. At least in my mind it is. Taking an ugly chick’s virginity not so much.