Boston.com Love Letters - I Love Him But He's Gay
The Question
Hi Meredith,’
I am a woman in her mid-20s who has had one real relationship, and it was fairly abusive and terrible. A little over two years ago, I met a guy I’ll refer to as Jake. I met Jake through some mutual friends, and he is gay. Jake is almost eight years older than me, and I immediately liked him because he would laugh at my terrible jokes and liked a lot of the same activities I liked.
Fast forward a little over a year, and I am now totally in love with Jake. He is big into random hook-ups, not interested in anything to do with a relationship, and someone I can have so much fun with. It was confusing for a while though because from time to time, we would make out and sleep in the same bed and I’d get a little too drunk and tell him how in love with him I was.
Fast forward to this current year and our relationship has grown even more. We talk every day, hang out at least three days a week, and he is constantly talking about how much he loves me and how much he wants to marry me. Last week, he made a joke about how I am going to need to pick out a ring soon because he wants to marry me soon and spend every day for the rest of our lives with me. We talk like this frequently though, so it was not a big deal.
This past weekend, he was hanging out with some old friends. They brought up how he was supposed to move to another city halfway across the country. After they left, we were sitting on the couch watching TV and he grabbed my hand and said “I don’t want to freak you out or anything, but I’m waiting to move until you want to. I know you change your mind a lot about what you want to do/where you want to go in your next phase, but I want to be there with you. I love you, and I want you to be part of my life every day for the rest of our lives.” I didn’t know what to do, so I just responded with “OK” and left shortly after the movie (usually I stay over his place curled up in bed with him).
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Given that background, I have multiple questions on what to do from here. Part of me is saying that I should just tell him that I’m in love with him, but explain that I want more than just what we have. Part of me is saying that I should just move on because he is gay and our relationship will never be as good as it could be, and I could never be enough for him (though I have always been OK with open relationships). How should I approach talking about this with him? What if it ruins everything?
– Uncertainty, Boston
Meredith Hoss Goldstein’s Answer
A: My guess is that Jake adores you — and that he’d love to have you as a life partner/best friend forever — but that he wants to continue having relationships with other people. And my guess is that as much as you love Jake and say that you’re OK with open relationships, you’d like to be involved with someone who is totally into you. Because that’s what you deserve.
My hope is that an honest discussion will clarify your priorities. If Jake can’t give you what you need, you have to spend time with other people (including other friends) and look for someone who offers more.
Readers? Is it possible that Jake wants to be with her romantically? How should she tell him about this? Does she have to let him go? Help.
– Meredith
I don’t even know what we’re talking about here. A girl wants to know whether to tell her gay best friend she wants more out of their relationship? What? And how about Hoss Goldstein’s advice? She needs to have an honest discussion with Jake and see if he can give her what she needs? Umm what planet am I on?
El Pres Answer
Dear Uncertainty,
I read your letter. I got to be honest. I don’t think you know what “gay” means. Like let me enlighten you here. It means Jake loves cock and is repulsed by Vagina. Hence you can never be anything more than friends. It’s really not that complicated. Like no shit you wish your gay best friend was straight. That’s what every fucking chick says, but therein lies the rub. If Jake was straight he wouldn’t hang out with you and he wouldn’t laugh at your dumb jokes and shit. Jake would watch sports and probably be repulsed by you like every other male on the planet which is why you’ve resorted to pretend dating a gay guy. Seriously grow up. I have no problems if you want to move to California with this gayball because he’s your only friend. That’s you’re prerogative. But stop embarrassing yourself writing letters acting like you’re in a romantic relationship with him. The dude is gay and you must be so gross and insecure that you’ve resorted to pretending to date a gay guy even though that’s impossible because well he’s fucking gay.
PS – Kissing when you’re drunk doesn’t count as hooking up. I feel like that’s what all gay dudes do. It’s quichy. But when they want to get down to business they need a cock in the ass and there is nothing you can do to change that.