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Barstool Ombudsman: Did Barstool Sell Out?

PFT Commenter
PFT Commenter7/01/2016 6:36 PM

 

 

ombudsman

 

Welcome back to another riveting installment of the Barstool Ombudsman column where I answer your questons about the goings-on at your favorite, or least-favorite website. First, I’ll pause for 15 seconds so everyone can look up the word “ombudsman” again.

 

 

Ok now that your back lets get to the questions. As allways, if you’d like your question to be featured in next weeks column please email me at BarstoolOmbudsman@gmail.com.

With the Bills Simmons ads, Naked Dating commercials, and The Guys Who Need Wedding Dates Movie all over the place this week, the question needs to be asked: Did Barstool sell out?

-Kyle

Great question. (Honestly its a pretty average question). Although I’m the new guy here at Barstool, I know that the site’s reputation has long been tied to a sense of journalistic integrity. Our readers expect and deserve a website with uncomprimising ethics, including properly sourced and attributed Guess That Ass posts, and in your face t-shirt sales blogs without having to so much as glance at a advertisement.

But we’re gamblers here at Barstool. Thats part of the reason I was drawn here and its probly also why you like to read it. Every now and again we need to get our hands dirty to pay the man upstairs and if that means doing a ad campaign then so be it. In a mob movie the best hitman have to maybe kill a friend to get the job done, but here at Barstool it just means you have to tell your readers to watch “Any Given Wednesday.” And speaking of Simmons, get that Beautyrest garbage out of my face because I want to tell you about my new Leesa Mattress. I was suppose to tweet about it when I first got it but with all the great sleep I’ve been getting I just havent had the time! Even though I uninstalled my air conditioner to keep my takes hot, Im not sweating at all at night thanks to its innovative 10″ of cooling, breathable foam. The best part is that the mattress is so darn comfortable that if I ever have sex on it and the woman falls asleep, I’ve got a great built in excuse! Thanks Leesa!

So the answer is no, we didn’t sell out. #ChickenFries

Is it me or does this surge of mass shooters seem like another lazy millennial institution. Whatever happened to the days of hard-nosed gritty serial killers? Those guys really appreciated their craft and it took them years to kill like 10 people. They would capivate the nation for not only the hunt of them but also  the trials made for A+ television. 

-Bob
I agree. A converted fully-automatic AR-15 with a banana clip is basically a iphone app for killing people. In the old days, you had to actually (heaven forbid) INTERACT on a personal level with each and every person you wanted to kill. Dont get me wrong I’ve shot about a million guns but back in my day (my parents era that I consider myself to of been a part of) killers had to go out, stalk victims, leave cryptic clues- they had to want it. In this day in age, kids want it all handed to them so they take the path of least resistance by swiping right with your debit card to purchase a combat rifle and hundreds of rounds of armor piercing ammunition at a gun show.
 YO, 
I just started a summer job that has me working at a very large outdoor bathtub
what the fuck
with very attractive women (plural) who happen to be wearing skin-tight swimsuits. Now this seems like a great thing but it is very conflicting, lemme explain.
My guess is that the ladies are very confused as to why your constantly showing up to their above-ground pool and asking their dad for a paycheck every other Friday.
Im getting great vibes off two of my coworkers. both are above a 7.5 so automatically they land in the same boat the USS FUCKABLE.
First of all tremendous job on your part of establishing conflict: “So I work in a Cialis commerical with a bunch of hot babes but it’s not as great as it sounds. For example, they all want to have sex with me.”
Secondly, I can tell your a rookie because you use the number ranking system. I rank women based entirely on how they would rank me. For example if she is pointing a gun at me- thats a 0, but if we’re having sex- total babe city. Its human sexualties equivilant of Sabermetrics and it allows you to make crunch time decisions without having to go with your gut. Probably unrelated but you know who else assigned numbers to people? Hitler.
so do i risk the whole “working with a coworker you had sex with” and bang one…oooooor do i put it all on bangin em both and waiting for it to turn into “working with 2 coworkers you banged who now hate each other and you”??
Not really germane to the question at hand but you have to admit that “Bangin em both” would be a great name for a AC/DC album. In terms of if you should sleep with both of them I just dont see this as an option for you. Until you can learn to classify women using a more effecient system than the tedious numbers system where you basically need a spreadsheet to remember how horny you are, you will never be able to pull this move off. Maybe just assign colors to them from a Simon Says console. Or a handy pnemonic device would be “if a erection I see, then sea-worthy she be.” Until you can learn to disassociate yourself from all the intriciacies and emotions that go along with rating a woman on a scale of 1-10, instead of the USS Fuckable you might wanna just stick with the Tugboat.

PFT Commenter
PFT Commenter7/01/2016 6:36 PM