Atlanta Zoo Names a Cockroach After Tom Brady

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WSB-TV - Zoo Atlanta has named a baby cockroach after the New England Patriots’ quarterback after the Atlanta Falcons lost to them at Super Bowl LI.

The zoo made a bet with Roger Williams Park Zoo & Carousel Village before the big game.

The bet was that the two zoos decided the losing side would name one of their baby animals after the winning team’s star quarterback.

 Bwahahaha! Good one, Atlanta! Oh man, you got us. Got us but good. You had to name a baby animal after Tom Brady so you chose filthy vermin. Knowing we would’ve wanted some great, majestic beast like a lion or something. Maybe a bull elephant or a grizzly. Hell, a goat would have been perfect. But you were too clever. Not bad for a town that hasn’t seen a championship since the first season of “Friends.”

Here’s the thing though. I don’t have any problem with this. As a matter of fact, a cockroach is perfect. The cockroach is evolution’s winner. The ultimate survivor of natural selection. A perfect machine. And all this machine does is eat, and crawl, and make baby cockroaches. And thousands of years from now when we’ve long since blown ourselves off the map and the surface of the Earth is a scorched uninhabitable, radioactive wasteland, this little champion of the animal kingdom is still going to be in his prime. Just like original Tom Brady is going to be setting playoff records and chasing his six, seventh and eighth rings when the Falcons are going 8-8, Matt Ryan comes back down to the middle of the quarterback pack and the coaches all get fired. Then it’ll be like that part in Henry V where the Dauphin sends him a box of tennis balls to mock him and he says “thousands more will weep as did laugh at the jest.”

P.S. Here’s how the NFL’s state-run media chose to talk about this. Try to imagine for one second them writing a headline like this about Cam Newton or Aaron Rodgers. Brady will make the sewers run red with blood next season.