50 Things That Are Better Than Sex, According To An Idiot

Huffington Post- So, a woman at the Huffington Post came up with a list of things that are better than sex. She changed it to “sometimes” better than sex because she got caught writing it by her husband and he got offended, she obviously couldn’t understand why he was mad. No shit he’s mad, this is a huge list and 95% of them aren’t even true or they shouldn’t be true if you’re having decent sex.

1.Warm, gooey chocolate chip cookies, right out of the oven.

Overrated. Chocolate chip cookies are good and all but probably the most overrated cookie ever. And thats coming from someone who is from Whitman aka the birthplace of the Toll House Cookie.

2. Finding your most coveted, I’ll-never-be-able-to-afford-it-ever handbag on eBay for half price.

I’ve never been much of a handbag girl. I have two expensive handbags that I use, one for summer and one for winter. I’d rather spend my money on food.

3. Getting into your skinny jeans for the first time in five years. 

I don’t own skinny jeans from five years ago, so I would have to change this to “getting into your skinny jeans, ever”. I’ve already explained my issues with jeans on here. See: Why thongs are better than granny panties.

4. That moment when your workout is over, and you feel like a badass.

This one I actually agree with. When I used to workout I would get off the treadmill and strut across the gym like I owned the whole place and there are few things that feel better than that. Unless it was really good sex, which is also a workout in my mind.

5. The way your dog twirls, barks and shakes with joy because he missed you just so much when you get back from getting the mail (at the end of the driveway).

1000% yes. Anyone who knows me or even follows me on Twitter knows I’m obsessed with my dog. No one will ever love me as much as him and the feelings mutual. When I get home everyday and he runs to  get me a toy and meets me at the front door with his whole back end wiggling; that’s the highlight of  my day, always. 

6. Watching “The Notebook” for the 217th time. And still crying. Every. Single. Time.

Nope. Still haven’t seen it since I wrote that blog last week and I don’t have any desire to. Much rather have sex than watch it, I would have sex with it on in the background?

7. The exquisite shampoo head massage your hair stylist give you before she cuts your hair.

Being team long hair don’t care I don’t go to the hair salon to get my hair cut often and when I do go I get my hair highlighted because I am also team fake blondes have more fun. And that makes your hair knotty and hurts like a bitch. I like the results but going to the hair salon isn’t as fun as sex.

8. The smell of Cinn-a-Bons in the mall food court.

This is always a frustrating feeling for me because I know I shouldn’t get them and I usually don’t #selfcontrol.

9. Finding the perfect little black dress.

^true.

10. Robert Redford. In The Horse Whisperer. And The Way We Were. And Butch Cassidy &the Sundance Kid. Actually, Robert Redford, in anything.

I think I generally have the stance that I will take sex over movies. Watching movies usually lead to sex anyways.

11. Finding a gynecologist who doesn’t make you feel awkward.

I wouldn’t know, I haven’t found one that doesn’t make my skin crawl. Every single time she asks me random questions while she’s feeling me up.

12. Afternoon naps.

After sex afternoon naps, ever heard of it? Napping is one of my favorite hobbies though.

13. The first hot summer day of the year.

Once again we’re back to how good the sex is. Because this is a great feeling, I always skip class to lay on my back deck once is reaches about 70 in Amherst and sit there just sweating for hours no matter how uncomfortable I am.

14. Downloading the perfect mix on your iPod.

Uh, no sorry I’m no longer in middle school.

15. Milk Duds, because…chocolate.

Milk Duds?? That’s her chocolate candy of choice? This list is getting more and more ridiculous. I don’t have a huge sweet tooth so I would choose sex over chocolate anyways but Milk Duds would not be my first choice for chocolate in any situation, ever. Reese’s all the way.

16. The first sip of your favorite red wine at the end of a stressful day.

“The first three glasses of my favorite white wine at the end of a stressful day.” There we go. Much better.

17. Huge, it’ll-all-work-out bear hugs when you’ve had a bad day.

I HATE hugs. All of my friends know that, I get so awkward when someone goes in for a hug and I want to run away. I would even take terrible, boring sex over a hug at the end of a bad day.

18. A dozen perfect, pale pink roses.

I also hate flowers as gifts. I guess they’re nice to look at but then they just die. Flowers and cards are the biggest waste of money ever, I really don’t like either. So once again I would enjoy boring sex over receiving flowers.

19. Sharing an unrestrained, blow-Diet-Coke-out-of-your-nose belly laugh with your BFF.

One time I had vodka come out of my nose from laughing and it burned like hell. Ill pass, give me an orgasm plz.

20.When a total stranger meets you and asks, “Are you the writer?”

“Are you Intern Dana?!”

“Yeah”

“No Way! Cool”

Happens every time and it’s so awkward, they never have any follow up questions or responses. As if they expect it to not really be me. I pick sex every time over this awkward encounter.

21. Selling your book to someone other than your editor and your mother.

LOL at me ever writing a book. Next.

22. Long, slow kisses. With no other agenda.

You better not kiss me like that with no other agenda.

23. Seeing your grandchildren jump out of the car and run to you, arms out wide, big smiles, yelling “Grandma!!’

Nope, can’t even imagine that this is a better feeling than sex. Sounds like a headache. Kids are so needy and yelly.

24. A big, fat book you’ve been dying to read, and a hammock in the shade. And Hubs has taken the kids.

Now that I’m in college I don’t read for fun anymore (I used to read all the time and I’m sure everyone will get a kick out of that). College ruined reading for me because I have to do so much reading for my classes. Now I would much rather have sex than read any more than I already have to.

25. Your pussycat asleep and purring on your chest as you lie on the couch.

Cats are the WORST. The only cat I like is the hermaphrodite one that we let into our house everyday at school, that one’s cool. Still would take sex over hanging out with him/her though.

26. Finally finding a hair stylist that “gets” your hair.

She must be having really terrible sex. Because, what?

27. Getting flowers at work, for no reason, from someone who loves you.

Again with the flowers. Nope. Edible Arrangement, MAYBE.

28. Tillamook Strawberry Ice Cream. For dinner.

Once again, I don’t have a huge sweet tooth and I’m not really an ice-cream person ever since I ripped off all the enamel on my teeth when I whitened them for senior prom because I’m a superficial asshole.

29. Taking your convertible out for a drive on that perfect sunny day.

Having a convertible would be nice. But I would have to choose sex because since I don’t have a convertible I don’t really know what I’m missing.

30. Running into an old boyfriend while wearing your perfect little black dress.

Yes. Ten times out of ten. See #9

31. Finding $100 in the pocket of a jacket you wore last year.

Finding $100 ever. Who just finds $100? If I left that much money in a jacket I would not forget about it for a whole year. Do you know how much Franzia you could buy with that.

32. 30-minute foot massages. Bliss.

Wayyyy to ticklish. I’ve never really enjoyed a foot massage because I always end up laughing way too hard. And any massage usually leads to sex.

33. The first morning pee, that you’ve been holding in since 3 a.m. because you didn’t want to get out of bed. (C’mon, you know what I’m talking about.)

I always get out of bed to pee. I always have to pee in the middle of the night, my roommate used to hate it when we lived in the dorms and I would go in and out of the room at 3 a.m. So, I don’t know of this feeling after holding your pee all night because I’m not a psychopath and I go pee when I have to.

34. Watching your adult child be a parent. And discovering he’s better at it than you were.

I like when my dog asks to go out to pee? Is that the same..

35. The first time you say, “I love you.”

I have NEVER been good at this. Its always so awkward. I’m very not good at feelings and being romantic. I’d so much rather have sex than talk about love, thats for sure.

36. The first time someone says it back.

^ See #35.

37. Crawling into clean, fresh sheets when you’re exhausted.

Crawling into clean sheets with a really hot man and having sex. If I’m exhausted then he’s going to have to do all the work.

38. Wine tasting at your favorite vineyards on a beautiful day. And you’re not the DD.

I’ve never been to a wine tasting but I think this is something I would enjoy quite a bit.

39. Getting off an airplane and spotting your favorite people excitedly waiting to greet you.

One time I went to go visit my best friend in Ohio and she was an hour late picking me up at the airport.

40. Kicking off your heels after a hard day at work and running through the grass in your bare feet.

Really…..What? Do you think she’s ever had an orgasm?

41. Thick, fresh, oversized towels when you get out of the shower. Even better if they’re warm.

This is kind of getting pathetic. I guess towels are nice.

42. The peaceful silence of early morning when you’re up and everyone else is still sleeping.

I’m always the last one asleep, or one of the last. Sex is way better than getting up early, idiot.

43. Folgers commercials of servicemen and women coming home and surprising their loved ones.

Feelings and emotions, nope.

44. The day your adult child walks through the door after a year in Iraq.

I can imagine that this is better than sex, I’ll give her this one.

45. The perfect Chicago Char steak. Rare on the insider and charred on the outside. You make the salad. I’ll get the corkscrew.

This actually sounds amazing. Food (not chocolate and ice-cream) would probably get me every time.

46. Having a girlfriend you can compare notes with about your sex lives. And nothing is off-limits.

Are you telling them how much your sex-life sucks and how you have a giant list of random things you would rather do and how sad you are?

47. The uninhibited laughter of a small child.

Meh, children. If a kid is laughing really hard I usually smirk. I smile much bigger after I’ve had sex.

48. Going to your 40th high school reunion and realizing you actually look pretty damn good.

Here’s hoping.

49. Realizing that your menopause phase is actually over.

Ew, gross (this also explains the giant list)

50. Nordstrom Semi-Annual fall sale. And a totally clean credit card.

Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual sale and a new credit card. Yes, plz.