JJ Eats The Ballpark: Pre-Season Rankings

On Thursday the Yankees released their 2016 new food items to the world. As the Yankees writer at Barstool and overall man of husk, it’s important that I weigh in here. Last year I did some video reviews on Vine and Twitter, but this year I’m going ot do full videos. This will let me give a real rating and also help prevent me from choking to death because I tried to review food in 6 seconds, while eating.

Over the course of this season I’ll eat and rank all of these items and report back my findings, but first we need the preseason rankings. These rankings are totally based on my personal preference (unhealthy and not too spicy) and all future reviews will reflect that.

• “Barnyard Wedding”features custom-blend beef, crispy fried chicken cutlet, shredded potato hash browns, BBQ sauce and aged cheddar cheese on a toasted bun.

GIVE ME ALL OF IT! I would eat each and every part of this alone so once you jam it together on a bun (it could be a trough for all I care) and I’m going to town on this bad boy. My only fear with this on it that i will do this review first and try to eat too fast, only to choke and die on opening day.

• “G.O.A.T. (Greatest of All Time) Burger”features custom blended-beef, topped with crispy bacon, pastrami, American cheese and “G.O.A.T.” sauce.

This is a close number 2 and really should just be a 1A. There’s just something about taking a great burger and adding more meats to it that just gets me going. I don’t know what G.O.A.T. sauce is but you can trust me here, it’s going to be AMAZING and you will see a bunch of is dripping down my chin at a game.

• “Classy Pig”is a shaved roasted pork sandwich, featuring Italian-Style marinated pork, stuffed with broccoli rabe and topped with cherry pepper mayo and provolone cheese

More meat, more cheese, more bread. Give it all to me. But you can hold the broccoli rabe because I don’t go to baseball games to eat vegetables and I’m not some Philly trash.

• Jim Beam Chicken Sandwich: Crispy chicken cutlet, Swiss cheese, pickles and honey mustard with a Jim Beam-flavored BBQ sauce

Crispy chicken sandwiches at the tits. If this was grilled chicken it would probably be dead last on the list but you give me a nice fried chicken sandwich with a bunch of sauce on it and I’ll get sexual with it.

• “Double-Double”is a Double Grilled Cheese – Double Burger Melt, featuring two custom-blend beef burgers, onion rings, American cheese and buns made from a pair of grilled cheese sandwiches featuring Boar’s Head cheese. Finishing this off is a two-person job.

Two person job my ass. 2 guys can’t be self respecting men and decide to split this and not girl with any self respect is going to be caught dead eating this in public. This creation is meant for only the grown and sexy (read: sweaty) that are ready to take down a beast. I’m not a huge grilled cheese guy and there’s only one meat so this creation takes a hit.

• Souvenir Classic French Fries Helmet Cup:A souvenir helmet is filled with the Stadium’s classic fries, which are made from farm-fresh potatoes and cooked to the perfect crispness and texture

A helmet full of fries may not seem like much but as a bigger fella, this is clutch. It’s like ordering chips or pancakes for the table. It makes everyone else get involved and hides what a disgusting person you are. Plus, you have a helmet to wear later when your wasted, even though you forgot to rinse it out and have greasy hair.

• “The Big Cheese” Grilled Cheese Stand features a variety of grilled cheese sandwiches made with premium, artisan and local cheeses from Boar’s Head. Options include “Brisket and Bacon,” “French Onion” & the “Classic Four-Cheese”

This is the same as the last one but with less meat. Throw a nice soup in there on a chilly night and this could be number 4 on the list, but as a grilled cheese alone I’m not excited.

• Buffalo Chicken Quesadillas: No description

If I’m being totally honest here, the now description has me intrigued. Maybe it’s just a regular ass quesadilla or maybe its some massive thing. I don’t know, you don’t know, but we all can’t wait to find out. I just hope its better that the tacos by the Jim Beam Suites.

• “Tape Measure Cheesesteak”is a two-foot cheesesteak topped with your choice of white American cheese or Cheez Whiz and served on a classic hoagie roll baked fresh daily. It’s the perfect sandwich to share. Peppers and/or onions are available upon request.

I lived in Philly for 7 years so my faith in this being a good cheesesteak is not very high. I’m sure it wont be terrible and but it wont be something to write home about. The real question is whether or not I can eat my height in cheesesteak in a 9 inning game. Probably not but I think I have to try anyway. Also, if you put lettuce and tomato on a cheesesteak you’re a psycho.

• Jumbo Souvenir Ice Cream Sundae Helmet:Served in a souvenir Yankees helmet, it’s the perfect dessert to share. Large scoops of creamy, premium Turkey Hill ice cream are topped with hot fudge, fresh whipped cream and more. Fans may choose from multiple flavors of ice cream

Personally I’m not a big ice cream guy at the stadium. Mostly because ice cream and beer don’t go together great but also because “Of course that fatass needed some ice cream”. Mix in the fact that you are probably getting some backwash from someone else if you share and I’m not excited, but I’ll eat it for you guys.

• Signature Chicken Fingers:Classic Stadium chicken fingers are tossed in your choice of three unique sauces created by Legends chefs to bring out the best in a family favorite. New flavors include maple bourbon bacon, Thai chili, and spicy buffalo

Chicken fingers are easy and you can easily overcomplicate them with crazy sauces. Plus when you mix in that you need 2 hands to eat them, I don’t get excited. The maple bourbon bacon sauce sounds interesting but could also go off the rails quick.

• Cheesesteak and Chicken-Cheesesteak Bowls: A pile of cheesesteak meat infused with white American or Cheez Whiz, covered with lettuce and tomato. Onions and/or hot or sweet peppers are available upon request.

A bowl? We’re taking a think that New York doesn’t do great and removing the bread. New York is bread so GTFO with this bowl crap.

So there we have it. These are the food that I’m most excited for, in order. I’m not sure what order I’m going to eat them in our what frequency videos are going to come out, but I promise you that I will eat all this food this season. I’ll also eat other food because I have an addiction.