University of Missouri Researchers Determine That There Are 4 Kinds Of Drunks
TIME – You know when you’re out with your friends at a bar, and you’ve all had the same amount to drink, yet one friend is giggling uncontrollably, another is telling a hilarious story to a group of strangers, a third is picking a fight with the bouncer, and the last is talking to the bartender as if those four Jägerbombs never happened? You might have wondered, well, what’s up with that?
Science to the rescue. Psychology researchers from the University of Missouri at Columbia have published a study in Addiction Research & Theory attempting to bring the conventional wisdom that there are many distinct ways to be drunk to its logical, scientifically-based conclusion. Their study, which involved 374 undergraduates at a large Midwestern university, drew from literature and pop culture in order to conclude that there are four types of drinkers: the Mary Poppins, the Ernest Hemingway, the Nutty Professor and the Mr. Hyde.
The study authors hope to use these categories to tailor future alcoholism interventions to particular personality types. Meanwhile, you can use them to take bets on how many beers in your Nutty Professor friend will have had enough to start flirting with that brunette by the jukebox.
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What type of drunk are you?
Here are the four classifications:
The Ernest Hemingways
The first and largest group — about 40% — was the Ernest Hemingways. Named for the writer who famously boasted that he could “drink hells any amount of whiskey without getting drunk,” Hemingways do not exhibit any major changes in personality when they transition from sober to drunk, the study contends.
The Mary Poppins
In contrast, Mary Poppins drinkers follow the “practically perfect in every way” description Poppins bestows on herself in the 1964 movie: they are already outgoing types who somehow get sweeter and happier with alcohol.
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The Nutty Professors
After that come the Nutty Professors, named for the chemically-altered academic with a second personality immortalized by Eddie Murphy. They, the study says, are natural introverts who shed their inhibitions with special vigor when they drink, showing a flashier and more social side.
The Mr. Hydes
And, lastly, there are the Mr. Hydes: the evil-twin drinkers who are, according to the study, “particularly less responsible, less intellectual, and more hostile when under the influence of alcohol.”
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Pretty sure I’m a Nutty Professor – pretty subdued most of the time, but stick me at an old school high school style party with a keg/funnel available or a wedding with an open bar and it’s time to get nuts. Basically need 2 whiskeys on the rocks before a dinner or social occasion for me to have any interest in talking to you.
Mary Poppins sound kind of like assholes to be honest. What are you so happy about all the time? That whole point of drinking is to make yourself happy after a long shitty day or week. Mary Poppins think they’re better than us. Fuck them. And as much as it would be cool to aspire to be like Hemingway, I’m pretty sure that means you’re a fully functioning alcoholic with a life expectancy of about 50. Also don’t think drinking without any of the effects sounds like much fun, basically a huge waste of money and a guaranteed lifetime of boring sex.
And last but not least, the Hydes. Everybody’s got a Hyde in their squad. The guy that shows up to a casual house party and heads straight to the kitchen to do shots of tequila with himself. Always had some Everclear on him in college and would mix it in with punch no matter how low-key the situaish. Walk into a bar and you give it an estimated 20 minutes before he starts a fight, gets kicked out, then rips at least 1 street sign down on his walk home and smashes something on the floor of your apartment. Hydes are the fucking worst.
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[Man Sleeping On Floor After Party image via Shutterstock]