This Airbag-Ejector Seat Prank On An Old Man Is Pretty Funny As Far As Elderly Abuse Goes
I know it’s generally not a great idea to send people over the age of 50 flying around onto concrete and I swear I wouldn’t do that to 99% of the old people I know. But this dude is a different kind of old guy, one of those “Out on the streets, maybe sipping some malt liquor and playing some dominos” old guys and to me that makes you fair game to be sent Rocketman-ing through the skies from a car seat. If you can’t graduate to real chairs and tables when you’re around Social Security age, you don’t deserve the courtesies other people in your demographics get with not being pranked. That’s the tradeoff. Act responsibly, don’t get ejected from chairs, we live in a society Pops.
Though admittedly I’m pretty anti-anyone over 50 after some events of last weekend:
I went to a bar after going to a wrestling show at the minor league stadium in Coney Island and this late 40s/early 50s tatted up Latina lady started talking shit to one of the bartenders in a less-than-good-natured way and, me being fairly buzzed, I tried to cool things down and bought her a shot. She immediately called my two friends a “pair of patitos (little homosexual men)” and then proceeded to reveal that she 1) Murdered a previous, much-older husband who also “had a dick like a Loch Ness” 2) Considered herself some sort of sexual dynamo and kept repeating how she’ll “Put a dick in a headlock” as a proof of that concept 3) Texts pictures of herself blowing men to her daughter who somehow has grown out of this to become a doctor and mother 4) She previously beat up one of the managers of this very bar and, rather than ban her, they fired him for letting that happen. 5) She also repeatedly called me a “pretty bitch” which isn’t as interesting as the other items but did make me feel nice. Anyway after getting cripplingly uncomfortable as she repeated the same catchphrases and stories over and over again for 20 minutes and feeling like an enabler, I told her we were leaving. I thought I was getting a (still undesirable but happy to make it out alive) hug from my stool and instead she aggressively cupped and squeezed my cock and balls in one swoop, the kind of squeeze where I felt a dull roar in my left nut for at least an hour. I genuinely felt violated but in some respects me shaking that thing around at a Coney Island bar outside of a stadium was asking for it I suppose. The life lessons here: 1) Don’t think you can make situations at a bar better with your drunken charm 2) I should dress less provocatively 3) Put everyone over 50 in an ejector seat. Just to be safe.