The Fact That People Still Think Gay Jokes Are A Putdown In 2017 Blows My Mind

I’m going to get real with you with this one because it’s been chafing my ass (no pun intended) since the now-infamous Barstool Karaoke night: Gay jokes bother me.

And it’s not for the reason you’d think. It doesn’t bother me on a personal level, it doesn’t make me question my life; HamBalls68 telling me I’m gay or any similar epithet won’t affect people reading my blogs, watching Swipe Drunk Love, or even my life outside Barstool in any way. There’s never been a time where I’ve met a girl and she’s been like, “Wait…I read in internet comments you’re gay, this is all very confusing.” It’s a lowest common denominator kind of insult, one that some men throw at each other as a means of trying to prove they’re more of a man than another.

But this is 2017. You have guys like My-King Johnson who are freak athletic specimens about to break the gay barrier in college football, you have a gay man running one of Earth’s most profitable companies at Apple, hell you have our own Glenny Balls reaching a career milestone by appearing on a show hosted by one of America’s most out and beloved gay men in Andy Cohen. Pres has opined about wanting a gay blogger, Moonlight won the Oscar, there’s nothing wrong or inhibiting with being gay and in fact it could be a career asset in a lot of different fields. Where’s the last straight fashion kingpin? Nowhere that’s where.

More than that, what bothers the fuck out of me about when people drop an “f bomb” – and yes, I say “f bomb” in part because of this as well as just generally not wanting to be a piece of shit at my place of work:

…What bothers me about it isn’t me being offended or that I’m suddenly concerned I’m going to have an awakening and jump right on the nearest dick or that it’s going to make me look less manly (newsflash: I went to school in LA, minored in theatre, take care of myself and have a lisp..this isn’t new ground being treaded). But what bothers me is there’s some kid out there on the internet, maybe a lacrosse player kid in high school who’s hitting dudes and simultaneously dealing with the fact that maybe he doesn’t want to wheel chicks as much as his pal. But he sees things like this on a site like ours and maybe he doesn’t let himself be who he’s supposed to be. Maybe he gets violent with other people to hide this “shame” that’s now been baked into him. Maybe he tries to kill himself. There are real repercussions to the cultures you create online and sometimes people you may never meet are the ones who pay those prices. And there are a lot more of that fictional lacrosse kid than you realize who are impressionable and see shit like that. It’s not “fun trolling” to them, it’s something that gets in their head and has real effects.

So if you want to make jokes about sexuality and act like that makes someone “less than” then good for you and you undoubtedly valuable life. Maybe put your real name behind it and be the courageous man you are. Or just be less of a piece of shit and come up with something more original than bashing an entire group of people to make yourself feel like you’ve accomplished something for the day.

And if you want other things to insult me for because I’m so hateable, here’s some help:

-I have a snaggletooth after getting braces when I was little because two of my teeth were lined up directly behind my front ones

-I once looked like this and took this as an actual headshot to send out to acting agencies when I was 18. Note: Earring is in the “straight” ear

-I haven’t been in a meaningful long-term relationship since breaking up with a live-in girlfriend a few months after starting to work at Barstool and may, in fact, die alone

-I have a lisp due to the aforementioned snaggletooth and some effete gestures. I know the temptation is to make a gay joke but there has to be more creative insults to mine here

-I never learned to ride a bike because I preferred foot-based sports growing up and couldn’t figure it out fast enough

-I own two dogs so you can probably make some bestiality jokes, I’m less worried about the trickle down effect on them or the bestiality community

-I unironically wore a Durag in high school. I also did not play much in high school (though I will say I was a special teams ace).

-My dick is hilariously huge, in fact I’m often fainting in the office due to lack of blood flow to my brain

My personal favorite is the last one but to each their own. And if you want to insult me for the high unlikelihood an obese married father of two who may be suffering from gout is going to beat me in a one-on-one basketball game, have at it. Some of you will hear me, some of you will double down on gay epithet name-calling, but I’m willing to put myself out there for this because turning a blind eye doesn’t feel right to me. Workshop some insults and come back to me. Just be better, internet.