Kmarko Breaks Down The Business Insider List Of 19 New Things That Millennials Are Killing
Millennials’ preferences are killing dozens of industries.
There are many complex reasons millennials’ preferences differ from prior generations’, including less financial stability and memories of growing up during the recession.
“I think we have got a very significant psychological scar from this great recession,” Morgan Stanley analyst Kimberly Greenberger told Business Insider.
Here are 19 things millennials are killing.
Did somebody say millennials are killing shit?
There’s only one thing more annoying than millennials: people blaming millennials for everything. Like I don’t WANT to be the internet’s Millennial Crusader, it’s not the life I chose, but it’s the life that is demanded of me at this point because of how god damned out of control it’s gotten. Like I’ve said before, no longer do businesses fail – millennials kill them. Products don’t just get old or outdated anymore – millennials destroy them. New, better options don’t come about through technology and innovation and the natural course of human advancement – millennials fucking murder the old ones in cold millennial blood.
And this new list from Business Insider takes the cake. A collection of 19 industries and companies and products that are failing because of millennials. It’s so good. Let’s go through it one by one.
Casual dining chains like Buffalo Wild Wings and Applebee’s
Already covered this one last week.
Hey you can’t blame people for using it in their defense. Like say, if you’re a shitty restaurant chain serving shitty food to people who just got off the highway and can’t bear another fast food meal or who just got in from a long flight and are exhausted and starving and you’re right next to the hotel so hey what the hell you’ll grab something at the bar. It’s not that there are a trillion better options available now – it’s that millennials are snobby and pretentious and wake up every day looking for a company to put out of business. The strategy pivot from cheap quick American staples to things like barbecue shrimp in sriacha lime sauce and chicken wonton tacos – at motherfucking Applebees – wasn’t a poorly planned and executed marketing plan. It was millennials fault for not appreciating it.
Point still stands. Your food is trash.
Beer
I don’t think I believe this one. The article tells me beer “penetration” is down 1% – okay I guess I’ll take your word for it. Sorry about that massive percentage drop, as liquor and wine popularity skyrockets. Everywhere I go there are 94 beers on tap and everyone’s fridge is stocked with all sorts of new fancy craft beers but if the industry is hurting then sorry, that’s on us.
Also…this:
In late July, Goldman Sachs downgraded both Boston Beer Company and Constellation Brands based on data suggesting… that they’re drinking less alcohol than older generations more generally.
Those god damn millennials, not being alcoholics! Destroy your livers you selfish bastards!
Napkins
The Post points to a survey conducted by Mintel, which highlights that only 56% of shoppers said they bought napkins in the past six months. At the same time, 86% surveyed said they had purchased paper towels.
Let me get this straight: instead of small squares of paper to clean our hands and our countertops, we are now using…bigger squares of paper to clean our hands and countertops?
So millennials are just smarter?
“Breastaurant” chains like Hooters
Barstool Sports is misogynistic trash for objectifying beautiful women.
Millennials suck because they’re destroying a restaurant that exists on women literally hanging their gigantic tits out to sell you hot wings.
I can’t think of a single more objectifying thing on Earth than the entire concept of Hooters restaurants. Feminists should be lined up around the block to shake the hand of every millennial.
Cereal
I love this one. Apparently millennials don’t eat cereal anymore because they prefer “more convenient” choices that you don’t have to “clean up” like yogurt (remember this one, it’s important later) and breakfast sandwiches.
I eat a breakfast sandwich every Monday and Friday morning when Office Manager Brett orders them for the office and I would say it’s the messiest thing I eat all week by a large margin. It’s impossible to eat without at least 3 egg chunks falling off. Everything slides off the bagel. Melted gooey cheese gets all over your fingers. Salt and pepper is all over your desk. Ketchup ends up on my pants. It’s a disaster. Delicious, but a disaster.
Bear in mind cereal is like 7 dollars a fucking box also.
Golf
This one is just…a lie. Every single person I know plays golf. That’s not even really an exaggeration. Everyone sitting around me in the office plays golf at least semi-frequently. Like 80% of them play every weekend. We have the #1 golf podcast in the world and a demo of…millennial men. I’d say that’s in the top 3 of videos I see on Twitter and Instagram, guys playing golf and doing funny stuff on the course. Without any numbers in front of me I’d confidently say golf is more popular with millennials than any generation previous. All our parents played tennis and shit.
Motorcylces (sic)
Do millennials hate dying? Possibly.
Millennials Are Destroying The Funeral Parlor Industry By Choosing Cars Loaded With Safety Features Instead Of Death Traps: My Column.
Homeownership
Baby Boomers are staying in their gigantic homes way longer than any other previous generation and are currently the owners of 3.6 million unoccupied rooms which is disrupting the housing supply line and creating a logjam at the top of the market which increases competition and causes prices at the entry level to skyrocket in an economy where wages haven’t matched inflation over the past 50 years.
But some of the girls and gay guys you know buy avocado toast at brunch on Sunday so that could also explain the homeownership dip. Yeah probably that one.
Yogurt — especially light yogurt
Remember I said pay attention to yogurt? Back when they were saying millennials killed cereal because they prefer yogurt? Well in a strange (some would say impossible) leap of logic, millennials are ALSO KILLING YOGURT!
Millennials are savage man. We kill things to prop up the economy of their competitors, make them feel strong, then KILL THEM AS WELL. We basically toy with products. It’s like The Most Dangerous Game. It’s the thrill of the kill that sustains us.
Bars of soap
I love bars of soap in the shower. I’d say I go body wash like 75%, bar soap 25% of the time. I like variety. I like to change things up so showers never feel monotonous. Mostly prefer a nice soaped up loofa on my skin, gently exfoliating it and opening the pores up. But there’s no beating the clean feeling of applying the soap in hard bar form directly to the skin. Especially the way they are ergonomically shaped these days. Glides right over the arms.
“Almost half (48%) of all US consumers believe bar soaps are covered in germs after use, a feeling that is particularly strong among consumers aged 18-24 (60%), as opposed to just 31% of older consumers aged 65-plus.”
I’m not really a germ freak so I don’t care about this. Wouldn’t you face the same issue with a loofa or washcloth?
Diamonds
Millennials are killing diamonds because they are waiting longer to get married and are choosing more “non traditional” rings.
By non-traditional rings I assume they mean rings that don’t cost 11 months of your salary or whatever.
So basically millennials are spending their money more wisely – perhaps on something like, say, a downpayment on a house? – instead of on flashy material status symbols.
Plus think of how much that leaves in the bank for 200 servings of avocado toast for the guests at the wedding.
Fabric softener
I do not give one single fuck about fabric softener and it’s share of the marketplace.
According to Downy maker Procter & Gamble’s head of global fabric care, millennials “don’t even know what the product is for.”
It softens fabric.
Banks
Millennials distrust financial establishments and rarely visit physical banks.
What have the banks ever done to earn that distrust? Nothing I can think of in the past oh, I don’t know, 9-10 years? Unfair!
While banks themselves will probably never die, bank branches and physical bank locations may soon be a thing of the past.
Noooooo! Not the physical bank locations!!! But I love waiting on line to get certified checks for my apartment security deposit! Where else will I have the chance to get stuck behind a woman on her lunch break dumping a pull-string bag full of pennies and dimes out for someone to count and hand her 7 dollars in cash?
Department stores like Macy’s and Sears
Nothing could ever replicate the experience of walking into a Macy’s to buy Nike socks in the sports department and having to pass through an army of perfume saleswomen lined up along the edges spraying you with samples of cologne.
Part of the reason is that when millennials do spend money, they’re spending more on experiences like restaurants and traveling.
You know who cares more about life experiences than Izod polos?
Losers.
Loser millennials.
Also did not know Sears still existed.
Designer handbags
Noooooo! Not Prada and Gucci! Not Michael Kohrs and Kate Spade! How will they eat?! What about Vera Bradley, she stil doing okay? Please tell me she’s okay. I don’t know what I’ll do without seeing every girl aged 22-26 carrying a swirley spiral paisley duffle bag on their shoulder at the airport.
In some ways, the brands’ mega-popularity contributed to their downfall.
Widespread popularity is the “kiss of death for trendy fashion brands, particularly those positioned in the up-market younger consumer sectors,” industry expert Robin Lewis wrote on his blog.
So we’re supposed to feel guilty because these guys SOLD TOO MANY OF THEIR PRODUCTS.
They made too much money and were too successful and now we’re destroying them by not continuing to spend too much money and buy too many of their bags.
Gyms
“Millennials don’t want to be tied down,” Megan Smyth, the CEO of FitReserve, a service that lets members book boutique studio classes, told the New York Post. “It’s a spontaneous demographic.”
When I moved to the Upper West Side I was directly across the street from a gigantic Equinox. 5 floors, 2 full basketball courts, every amenity. Back then I worked out every single day and always had a gym in my building. The new one didn’t. And this Equinox was staring me right in the face. It was $235 a month but I got drunk one night and decided to treat myself. I worked hard, I deserved it.
Turns out it was an unbreakable 1 year contract. I’m talking a stone cold, deadlocked 1 year contract with no escape unless you like broke your neck and died. You needed like 9 different forms of proof that you “moved out of state.” Also, 1 month later we opened the Barstool office, my first time ever working not from home. I found myself spending 12-13 hours a day there and having no time or energy for anything afterwards let alone the gym. I also turned 30, realized I looked the exact same as I did when I was working out because my body can’t put on muscle, and frankly stopped caring about my health. I’d say I went to that gym 14 times total. Do the math there and reach the conclusion I reached: it was a mistake financially.
The point of that story was it’s good not to be tied down.
Hey gyms, want to survive? Cater to your clientele. Offer what they’re looking for instead of complaining about their changing preferences. Not that hard.
Home-improvement stores like Home Depot and Lowe’s
As we discussed earlier millennials can’t afford homes because our parents trashed the housing market and because they eat fruit on bread for breakfast. Thus, there’s not much need for home improvement stores. Because we don’t own homes. Folks, that’s called causality.
Me personally, I fucking love Home Depot and Lowe’s. They have everything. I’ve been to Lowe’s 4 times in the past week. I’d be bummed if we killed them dead.
Football
I can see this one. It’s not totally wrong. Cord cutting is real, viewership has certainly declined, that’s just a fact. Unless it’s an awesome game or I have some sweet VIP setup I’d much rather watch at home on my big ass TV and comfy couch instead of going through the hassle of getting to a stadium, and I know a lot of people in that boat with me. The NFL definitely has to adapt to the changing viewing habits of their fans.
What is not correct? The 3 reasons they list.
Analysts said the drop could be tied to numerous things — the 2016 election, protests as NFL players have taken a knee during the national anthem, or that the game has simply gotten more boring.
Not one single millennial is not watching the NFL because Colin Kaepernick took a knee during the National Anthem. Not one single one. You’re confusing our 78 year old racist grandfathers with a 22 year old millennial. They’ll call Kap a libtard f*ggot on Twitter in true millennial fashion but they won’t be shutting the TV off on Sunday.
Oil
Of all the items on this list, this is the one I’ll lose the most sleep over. I’ll toss and turn tonight in my rented apartment struggling with the role I’ve played in hurting the oil industry. I’ve always tried to be a champion for the little guy and the profits that I’ve played a part in costing Halliburton weigh heavy on my conscience. This is America. We’re supposed to root for the underdog. Instead we’re out here looking for clean energy sources to protect the environment and save the world from catastrophic global warming. At what cost?
That shit isn’t even real. If there’s global warming why is it cold in the office right now?