Draft Scout On OSU's Eli Apple: "Kid Has No Life Skills At All. Can't Cook."
3. ELI APPLE, Ohio State (6-0 ½, 202, 4.39, 1): Third-year sophomore from Voorhees, N.J. “He got beat probably more than you want but he’s got tremendous upside,” said one scout. “He is too young (20) to be coming out but he is so you’ve got to project what he’s going to be. I think he’s going to be a pretty high-level starter.” Started 27 games, finishing with 86 tackles (7 ½ for loss), 4 picks and 18 PBUs. “Some there (OSU) were worried he wouldn’t break 4.6 and then popped the (4.39),” said another scout. “They were surprised he ran that well. I worry about him because of off-the-field issues. The kid has no life skills. At all. Can’t cook. Just a baby. He’s not first round for me. He scares me to death.” Wonderlic was 21. “He probably has as much talent as anybody but he, like a lot of those Ohio State guys, is inconsistent,” said a third scout. “He squats, and receivers run by him. He’s more in catch-up mode than reaction mode. He bothers me a little bit.”
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Haha! Can’t COOK?!?! Fucking loser. What are you 22 years old? And you can’t cook a fucking meal? Unbelievable. That you’d even try to become a professional football player without the requisite knife skills in the kitchen. Spent all that time lifting weights and speed training and learning coverage schemes, never even took the time to learn how to hand roll pasta or dice a shallot. Unreal how narrow minded kids these days are. Newsflash idiots, it’s not all bench presses and 40 yard dashes that these coaches care about. Can you even make Sesame Chicken with Roasted Broccolini and Brown Rice with Greek Salad Couscous Bowls with White Beans and Feta as a starter? (featured this week on Plated, promo code: KFC).
Update draft boards with news breaking that Eli isn’t Emeril.
Honestly, anonymous NFL draft scouts are some of my favorite people in the world. I’m not even sure they exist actually. Like any time I read one of these quotes before the draft I just automatically assume the writer put it in there to make his story pop more on social media. I mean who’s gonna know? It’s an anonymous source. As a former journalism guy myself, trust me, I know all the tricks, like making up fake quotes to get clicks.