Does This Look Like the Face of A Motherfucker Who Had A Heart Attack Saturday Night?
No joke. This motherfucker right here had a heart attack Saturday Night. All you assholes who always wish I was dead and act like you don’t depend on the Stool for your daily entertainment would have had to survive without me. I almost wish I died just to see the chaos unfold. It would have been like the Apocalypse around here. So what happened you ask? Well the First Lady and I went to the movies Sat night and after it was over she made me walk up like 4 flights of stairs because she didn’t want to wait for the escalator. Next thing I knew I felt like my heart was constricted. I couldn’t breathe right . I got wicked light headed, my toes and hands started tingling and I felt like I was going to puke. That will teach her to make me walk up steps. First Lady kept asking if I was having a heart attack and needed to go the hospital. All I knew is that if I didn’t roll down the window and let the torrential rain pour down on my face I would have passed out cold.
The First Lady hauled ass to South Shore hospital and that’s where I spent the rest of the night. 7 hours with tubes and gadgets all up in my shit and getting my blood taken every couple hours. Lowest moment of the night had to be when “Greg RN” walked in to give me Xrays and was like “Hey Pres how you doing buddy” Come on bro. Not now. I can’t be funny for you. Not at this moment when I’m wearing a hospital dress and just had a heart attack. Not my finest hour. I finally got released at 3am with the First Lady telling me every 5 minutes like clockwork that she was making life style changes for me. That she can’t have her 35 year old husband dying on her ass. So that’s how I spent my Saturday Night. How about you?
* The official diagnosis from the Hospital was that I pulled a muscle in my chest and it had nothing to do with my heart. I’m pretty sure it was a heart attack though. Another potential theory floating around is that my arteries were clogged from eating 8 of those Bertucci’s piping hot rolls before the movies and then 2 bags of popcorn at the movies.