A Guy With A Micropenis Wrote An Article About His Life And It Seems Pretty Unsatisfying (Both The Dick And The Life)
Cosmopolitan – My micropenis is approximately 1 inch long when flaccid and 2.7 inches long when fully erect. It is also very thin. When flaccid, you might say it resembles two raisins flat on top of each other. As it extends erect, I would guess that in length and girth, it would be the equivalent in volume of two cocktail sausages. Various studies suggest that the average American penis is 2.8–3.9 inches flaccid and around 4.7–6.3 inches when erect.
All this to say: the average flaccid penis is longer than mine when I am erect.
Nothing better than some “back to work on a Monday” dick blogs. This first-person article from Cosmopolitan written by a 35-year-old guy going by “Jf” is going viral and it’s genuinely an interesting and sympathetic look at what it means to be a dude with a real honest-to-God micropenis. Here are some of the better parts:
I am 35 and have had just one sexual experience (through personal choice), which was humiliating, to say the least. It was more than 12 years ago with a very attractive university student. When I stripped, she stared at my micropenis, giggled, and put her hand to her mouth, muttering simply “OK” in a tone that suggested she was taken aback. When it came to actually performing, first I found that the condom wouldn’t stay on, but more frustratingly, my micropenis kept falling out every time I tried to penetrate her. Even when I was inside her, she kept asking me, “Is it in?” Every time she asked me that, I wanted to die. It was clear that she was getting nothing out of the experience. I genuinely tried my best to make her happy via oral sex, but she didn’t orgasm or enjoy that either. When at last I finally thought I was making her content, she suddenly huffed in an annoyed way and got up, saying she needed a glass of water. And that was the end of it.
Okay so right off the bat I have one tip for this guy: Make friends with eating box. I know some chicks think that’s more intimate than sex (those women are idiots, that’s neither here nor there) but if you’re a guy with two raisins for a dick, that and generous and tender finger puppetry are the only thing keeping you in the game. I feel bad for ol’ ants on a log dick here but foreplay should have been the default move especially for a dude with these shortcomings.
Furthermore, a couple of days later, I did something, which on reflection, I now regret. I walked 2 miles to her apartment to leave her a box of Nestle Mint After Eights, which I had bought to show both appreciation for her intimacy and also as an apology. What kind of loser does that? What was I thinking? That she had had sex with a pathetic excuse for a man, but that it was all worth it in the end because she got some chocolate instead?
Ah nothing a woman loves more than a guy with a micropenis who’s also incredibly needy. I’m not saying this dude needs to be Mr. Cool Guy acting tough and hard to get when obviously he’s no great catch. But yeah I mean if you’ve ever thought about giving anyone mints as a “sorry for the bad sex” consolation prize, you’re not doing it right. But at the same time, he should also maybe feel like the sex wasn’t the only thing he had to offer. Presumably you should be offering a personality, great conversation, something else to hang onto since you’re doing no favors with that tiny little nubbin. Cuckolding yourself to make yourself less than her right off the jump is a losing proposition even for a dick cocktail wiener-sized and up.
The way the media treats the body-shaming of men compared to the body-shaming of women is so wildly different. When Donald Trump makes questionable comments about the looks of women, he rightly causes outrage. Lists and videos decrying his sexist remarks have gone viral. Yet when a naked model of him with a micropenis was displayed in public in New York City, there was some objection (the artist was blocked from Facebook), but in my opinion, it was treated like a punch line rather than an attack. Some publications even called it a wonderful piece of art. Hundreds of Americans now have selfies of them laughing with Trump and a micropenis. We defend Heidi Cruz and Megyn Kelly, but where are the people defending small penises?
Okay first: Lol. But second, I guess this is sort of a valid point? It is weird how certain loud pockets of the internet will collectively say “This type of joke is so wrong” but when it’s at the expense of a party they don’t personally relate to (or relish making fun of), all of the “Wahhh cyberbullying wahhhh shaming people” shit goes out the window. It sucks because you sound like an asshole if you chime in with “Well yes but what about the plight of men with comically tiny baby penises?” but they deserve the shield of protection as much as some diabetes monster who doesn’t want to be told maybe she should mix in a salad on occasion.
So what do I plan to do about my love life? The answer is nothing. I try to focus my life on my writing and other subjects that interest me. If I started to look for love, it would just make me feel down, and I already struggle with depression and anxiety secretly. I don’t need the humiliation and hurt that looking for love would bring me. Sure, everybody gets rejected, but usually for less hurtful reasons.
Guys with micropenises know they are not well-endowed, they don’t need reminding of it. If I’m attracted to a woman, then what she has in her pants doesn’t matter to me; I care more about what she has in her heart. My deep shame about my body makes me feel like everyone else’s opinion must be right, that there is something wrong with my size. I just wish people could look past it, so I could too.
You should really read the whole article because there’s a tone I may not be accounting for with these quotes…but this dude just kind of annoys me. I genuinely want to feel bad for him and I do to a certain extent. But enough with the woe is me shit. It’s got to be AWFUL having a tiny dick and I have no doubt that it has a trickle down effect on confidence and all of that. But blaming the media, blaming people’s own expectations…it just seems like if this dude was a little less in his own head he might still be able to do well out there. I mean again, people are sympathetic for way less shit and given how weird chicks are these days there might even be some women online who’d see this and go “You know what? I’m sick of big dicks! This micropenis’d fella seems well, I’ll DM him on Twitter.” There’s a lot of fixes here and he’s just sitting there with Earthworm Jim in his hand hoping the world changes for him. Grab the world by the balls, make things better for yourself, stop feeling bad for yourself. No one wants a whiny dude with a tiny dick who doesn’t lap up a pussy, I’ll tell ya that much.
(Photo via Flickr/Vic)