Q & A with an Olympic Skating Expert

With the Winter Olympics upon us, this seems like a good time to make a confession. I'd like to publicly admit for the first time that I kind of...uh...that is, I sort of...in a way, um...I don't exactly hate...

I like figure skating. There, I said it. Ouch, that wasn't easy. I'm gonna be sore in the morning.

I know this comes as a bit of a shock to a lot of people, given my well-crafted reputation as a strong, stoic, tough, rugged, muy macho guy. I'm sure it's like watching Lawrence Taylor cry on "60 Minutes." Or seeing Wolverine from "X-Men" doing the cha-cha on Broadway. Or finding out that Schwarzenegger likes Kennedys.

I don't want to overstate the case. Skating isn't up there with my favorite sports. I'm not about to start throwing roses on the ice at Bruin's games or demand the NFL add a "Kiss & Cry" area. It'd be tough to rank, but I'd probably put skating on my list well below the PGA Tour and slightly above The World Series of Poker.

Why do I like it? Let's start with the obvious: hot chicks. Figure skating is second only to the WWE when it comes to providing good looking women to the sporting public. If the skating world competed against tennis in Babeliciousness, Maria Sharapova wouldn't even make the medal stand. Your typical skating competition is like opening one of those e-mails I keep getting from the "Hot Young Russian Girls Who Want to Meet" me.

Second, I respect the athleticism. The next time you're on skates, try to jump, even just one inch. Then try a complete turn in the air. Next, try going backwards on one skate while holding your girlfriend over your head with one hand. Now lie still until the ambulance comes to close the open, gaping wounds in both your heads. I have friends who can dunk or hit a drive 300 yards, but neither you nor I know anyone who can pull off a triple axel.

Everyone's entitled to have guilty pleasures; this is mine. Maybe you liked "Moulin Rouge." Or maybe you once sang out loud to ABBA's "Dancing Queen" in the car. Mine is that I like seeing the rare, but occasional, over-the-top effeminate stereotype skater. Take Rudy Galindo. Not to offend anyone, but my man Rudy hit the pro circuit with a Village People medley that made "Brokeback Mountain" look like "The Outlaw Josey Wales." Watching him skate around in that skin-tight sailor suit brought more laughter and happiness into my life than David Ortiz' bat.

It's no accident that I've come to this. My wife, the lovely and talented Anne, is the World's Foremost Authority on the subject, and I've kind of picked it up just through osmosis. And I'm not the only one. Last year after Nationals, the phone rang. She answered it and started talking on and on about the competition; who skated well, who got screwed by the judges...the whole schmeer. After twenty minutes or so, she handed me the phone. "It's your brother." That would be my brother Jim, the construction foreman.

Anyway, as a service to our readers, and at the risk of getting myself permanently kicked off the Barstool staff, I asked Anne to preview the Olympic figure skating. (I might have added a few things.)

Jerry: Does anyone on Earth understand how the scoring is supposed to work?

Anne: After the judge's scandal in Salt Lake City, they changed the system to make it less subjective. The "Technical Merit" score is now called "Elements" and each move, meaning jumps and spins, has a base value. So you get so many points for each move based on its difficulty.

The old "Artistic Impression" score is now "Skating Skills," and it's supposed to measure transitions between the elements and the choreography. It's still subjective, but they pick one judge's score at random and throw it out, to try and prevent cheating.

JT: Who's going to win?

AT: For the women, it'll be Irina Slutskaya. She can jump, but she has really weak skating skills. But it's still really political, and the judges have always loved her. Plus, she was out sick for two years with vasculitis and she's sweet and cute. [Ed. note: No she isn't. She's got a face like Bob Neumeier.]

Sasha Cohen is the best chance for the U.S. team. She's just simply beautiful and all her skating positions are perfect. But she'll have to skate perfectly to beat Slutsksaya.

For the men, it'll be Evgeni Plushenko. He's a favorite with the judges even though his spins aren't any good. He would have won gold in Salt Lake, but he fell on a quadruple toe loop and took silver.

The American men have no shot. Johnny Weir's long program is as boring as dentist office music. You'll like him though; he makes Rudy Galindo look like a Marine sergeant. Even one of my gay friends calls him "Johnny Queer". Weir might win bronze, but the silver will go to Jeffrey Buttle from Canada. [Ed note: Hee hee. "Buttle."]

China has some good pairs, but the Russians will win the gold there, too with Tatiana Totmianina and Maxim Marinin.

JT: Gesundheit. What's the deal with the Russians? There country is in ruins, it's run by the mob, but figure skaters are their only export.

AT: They just have discipline no one else has. Americans tend to switch partners and coaches every few years. But Russia still has the same system they had under the Communists, and they stay together.

JT: You know there's no other woman in the world but you, my angel, but for the readers, so they don't swallow their tongues with boredom, who will be the best looking women in the competition?

AT: Sasha Cohen is simply beautiful. But remember these names: Tanith Belbin who's an Ice Dancer, Carolina Kostner from Italy, and Elena Sokolova of Russia. Every one of them is just gorgeous. And for the women, there's a lot of great eye candy among the men especially [Ed. note: I kind of tuned out what she said here.]

JT: In a college art class once I memorized the phrase "subtle luminosity" so I could sound like I knew what I was talking about. Is there a skating expression a guy could use to make his girlfriend think that he knows about skating?

AT: Try this: "That position could have been held out more."

JT: Last question. Who's more psycho, me during a Patriot's Super Bowl, or you during the Winter Olympics?

AT: Look at it this way. How big a deal would the Super Bowl be to you if they only played it once every four years? Besides, you're not psycho. You're an amazingly talented handsome man. Your prowess is legendary. You're incredibly manly and women want to be with you. Men wish they were you.

Anyway, thanks to my lovely wife for helping me with this. Like I said, I might have changed a couple of things.