Two Words That Will Save The World

TWO WORDS THAT WILL SAVE THE WORLD

The rest of you can continue to sleep peacefully at night, safe in the knowledge that I never rest in my efforts to save the world. My latest initiative is so simple, yet so clever, I believe it will strike a much needed blow against the forces of stupidity and inanity everywhere. I’ve devised a weapon, consisting of two mere words that will utterly destroy the self-righteous, the sanctimonious, and the smug among us. You too can use this weapon to help the forces of good in this world win the War on Whining.

An example: Earlier this month, a woman wanted to take her three month old baby to a Patriots game. The Gillette Stadium ticket office told her that in order to bring her baby to the game, she’ll have to buy a Standing Room Only ticket. Her options were:
A. Cough up the $49.
B. Get a babysitter.
C. Skip the game.
D. Go to the media and whine and complain about how unfair it all is.

This is 2005, so naturally, she chose D. One day she was crying on Channel 7. Two days later, she was on the front page of The Herald. The next day, she was calling sports talk radio, caterwauling about how horrible the Patriots were being and what a terrible injustice was being done to her. (You may remember the hordes of outraged Pats fans storming the gates of Gillette and demanding an end to this madness.)

All reasonable people can agree on two things: She’s a terrible mother with horrible judgement, and a shameless Media Whore. But you have to give her credit for one thing. She knows how to manipulate the press. If you’re desperate for attention, it’s always best to try to get it in August, the slowest news month of the year. August is to the Publicity-Hungry what December is to retail: the busy season. It’s the time of year when media outlets are always looking for nits to pick and a chance to build the tallest mountains out of the moliest of hills.

So as this woman went on her week-long Whineapolooza Tour, I realized that there was a solution to her/our problem, but no one was using it. A simple, two-word sentence that would have sent her back to the nursery and out of our lives forever.

Allow me to demonstrate how I would have handled her:
LOUSY MOTHER: “The Patriots say that I have to spend an extra $49 dollars to take my baby to the game!!!”
ME: “So what?”

“So what?” Brilliant. The most underutilized expression in the English language. Everybody knows these words, but we’ve all become afraid to use them. Nitwits are constantly coming at us, bitching about their insignificant problems, but we’ve lost the ability to just not give a crap. In this case, why debate whether it’s right or wrong to take li’l Bethany or Zachary to a game? She can take the kid to the Stones concert or a nightclub or the Hip Hop Awards for all I care; I don’t have a dog in the fight. But if the venue says the kid needs a ticket, “So what” is a nice, time-effective way of saying, “Shut up and pay or stay home.”

Another example. Last week, Terrell Owens and Drew Rosenhaus went on with Chris Berman to explain why Owens left Eagles training camp. Rosenhaus was a complete buffoon, acting like he was auditioning for the role of “Sleazy Rival Sports Agent” on an episode of “Arli$$.” He went on about how Owens has outplayed his contract and how well he played in the Super Bowl and how they tried to work with the Eagles on a new deal. Berman kind of furrowed his brow like they were both being idiots, but he was polite and asked all the right questions. Except for one. “So what?” T.O. wants a new deal, but the Iggles told him to screw. “So what?” What does you want, for the rest of us to send you a check? Quit if you don’t like it.

Not without blame in the saga (note the rule: If something is the top story on “SportsCenter” for one week, it’s elevated from a “situation” to a “saga”) are the Eagles themselves. Owens is acting like he always acts. This is what they signed of for when they decided they couldn’t live without him. They lied down with a dog and are shocked, SHOCKED! that they got fleas. “So what?”

In all matters, I’m never far from invoking the name of Bill Belichick. During his Epoch, the Patriots have had ample chances to complain about getting bad breaks. You lose your quarterback, your All-Pro defensive end, your entire defensive backfield? You have a road game in the heat of Miami or the thin air of Denver? Belichick says “So what?” Win anyway. At the heart of the Belichickism is the Great One’s own mantra: “It is what it is.” As an avowed Belichickian philosopher, I’d like to ask Tom Cruise if L. Ron Hubbard ever came up with anything of such minimalistic brilliance.

Large pockets of Red Sox Nation could also use a large dose of “So what.” Consider the most recent Mannygate. When the Sox signed Ramirez in 2001, he’d already been in the Majors for parts of eight seasons. He was a known commodity. We knew he’d come here, be a great hitter and drive in a ton of runs. We also knew at times he’d be a mercurial crackpot. He’s come exactly as advertised.

Manny isn’t a volcano, he’s Old Faithful. Every year, between mid-July and Labor Day, he has a bizarre public eruption and says he wants out of town. Then he forgets about it and goes back to mashing American League pitching. But people continue to take the bait. This last episode set off the usual screaming about how he’s bad for the team, plays the field like he’s on banana peels and runs the bases like he’s pushing a walker.

So what? Is the team supposed to trade him? Who do you want batting clean-up, Tony Graffinino? Besides, last winter, the Sox took Manny to the end of the driveway and put a "Free Outfielder" sign on him, and no one took him. So now you think someone is going to empty their farm system to get him? “So what’s” the deal with Manny? It is what it is, that’s what.

So go forth and use “So what” to do good in the world. Fight global whining.