The Toughest Formations in Sports
Anytime you participate in a sporting event, there are certain formations you simply do not want to face, and if at all possible, just try to avoid. But sometimes you can’t; sometimes you have to tackle these intimidating situations head-on despite the degree of difficulty and despite the fact that you’ll probably lose and lose badly. But what are the toughest? What formations/situations will make your palms sweat and your armpits drool at the mere mention of them? Let’s take a look. Now granted, some of these activities you might not consider actual sports, but hey, it’s my article and I’m setting the rules of the game. So here they are, the 8 Toughest Formations in Sports.
8. Short fielder (Softball) – I absolutely hate the short fielder. I have no respect for teams that use this formation. But yet I can’t deny its effectiveness. Basically you’re taking away the bread n’ butter for most good hitters – the line-drive base hit. The key is to position the short fielder where you think the batter is most likely to hit the ball, or else it’s useless. This is where advanced scouting in “recreational” beer league softball comes into play. And of course you need speed in your outfield. As coach of my softball team I employed the short fielder (me) for a grand total of a half an inning 1 game and it cost us 6 runs. This is yet another reason why I hate the short fielder.
7. The 46 Defense (Football) – Buddy Ryan’s signature defense was the most powerful force in the universe next to Hulkamania in 1985. For one year the Bears shuffled their way to a 15-1 record, the greatest defense of all time and a Superbowl romp over the Pats. If you watched the NFL Films highlights, you’d see the Bears sacked Tony Eason 2,953 times that game. Then all of sudden it just kind of disappeared. Regardless, even today, it doesn’t matter if it’s Pop Warner, Powderpuff or Madden 2007 - something about “The 46” still scares the crap out of me. I don’t think anyone alive knows how to beat it.
6. Pass Line Bet at a Degenerate Craps Table (Craps) – Anybody who’s ever been to a casino knows what I’m talking about here. There’s the regular craps tables, and then there’s the degenerate craps tables. And betting the Pass Line is all but suicide at the degenerate craps tables. For those not familiar, the Pass Line in craps is when you bet ON the shooter to make his or her number BEFORE the 7 comes out (except on the first roll.) Essentially, you’re betting on the shooter to get lucky – which, if you’re at the degenerate table, is like asking for snow in July. Most of these people haven’t won a bet since Reagan left office, let alone taken a shower. You think they’re hitting the number? My buddy Weapon has made a mini-career betting “Don’t Pass” (against the shooter) at degenerate tables across the country. I’ll tell you, it’s a great strategy – I just don’t have the heart to do it.
5. Paintball Keno (Keno) – Can we get a quick show of hands to see how many people have actually won more than $2 on the Keno “paintball” screen? Can we get a quick show of hands to see who even knows what the “paintball” screen is? That’s good. Only a few of us. For whatever reason, the Massachusetts Lottery has decided to make it virtually impossible to hit on the paintball-graphics Keno screen. It’s one of the most demoralizing feelings in sports filling out your Keno ticket, getting the 3x’s Bonus, then seeing the “paintball” screen instead of the regular screen. “Aw, fucking paintball” is usually the reaction from the crowd. You might as well just rip up your ticket… (Note: Keno qualifies as a sport by the way because sometimes you have to run to the cashier.)
4. The Neutral Zone Trap (Hockey) – it’s so boring I can’t even write about it. Nonetheless, if run to perfection like the ’95 Devils, it’s certainly a formation you don’t want to face.
3. Sicilian defense (Chess) – Not to get all “smart” here, but I played a little chess in my day. Granted it was drunk and in the backroom of a now defunct bar, but that’s neither here nor there. All the greats play the Sicilian nowadays. When executed correctly it’s almost unbeatable. I can’t even describe it; all I remember is getting smoked against it. As black, I know you move your pawn up on the right a few squares but the rest is a blur. The bottom line with the Sicilian is that I was too lazy to learn how to counter it so I just hoped my opponent would fuck up. End of chess talk.
2. “Temptation Island” Cup Formation (Beirut) – I’m crediting my buddy Zoo with this one because he actually claims this is THE toughest formation in sports. Not so fast. It’s when you have a few cups in the back row and that ONE cup all by its lonesome on an island – “temptation island” if you will, up front. It’s definitely one of the toughest formations in all of sports, no doubt. Which cup do you go for? The ones in the back or the isolated one nagging you up top? What a decision. And yes, I may be too old to play Beirut but I’ll worry about that later.
1. 7-10 Split (Bowling) – Ugh. The 7-10. Just those 2 numbers said together in the same breath will make any bowler cringe. Unfortunately I was faced with it tonight at Kings and it was just deadly. DEADLY. Everybody knows the dreaded 7-10 has only been converted 3 times EVER in the history of TV bowling – Mark Roth in 1980, then Johnny Mazza and Jess Stayrook in ’91. 3 fucking times on TV! That’s unbelievable. I’ve seen 9 no-hitters! What makes it so tough is that you as a bowler, on TV, have to somehow generate enough power to kick the 10 pin off the back wall at just the right angle to bounce it left and trip the 7. Or get lucky. It’s virtually impossible. There have been plenty of 300 games, but only three 7-10’s. And that’s why it’s clearly, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the toughest formation in sports.