Top 20 Douchebag Countdown

Ah, douchebag, where would I be without you?

Perhaps there are words in the English language that I use more than "douchebag" but none posses the verbal power or flexibility that douchebag does. The term douchebag has spawned an entire new generation of words- douchey and douchebaggery being two of the more prominent. And surely no other word rolls off the tongue with such ease as "douchebag." Quite simply, it's a remarkable word that has become the go-to put-down of the 21st Century.

But who is a douchebag and how do you recognize one? The accepted definitions of a douchebag vary greatly but in general a douchebag is someone who you would never want to get stuck next to on a flight, someone whose existence makes your life marginally more exasperating. If you are watching TV and someone pops up on the screen and instantly you are stricken with a strong desire to change the channel and pour bleach onto your eyes, chances are that you've just run across a douchebag.

Douchebags aren't the worst members of society. Hitler could never be called a douchebag for example. Stalin wasn't a douchebag. They are both referred to by other names that even Barstool's scant editorial guidelines prohibit me from writing. But their underlings can be douchebags. Leni Riefenstahl- big time douchebag.

The best part of the word "douchebag" is that its implied meaning changes depending on the situation. Your friend can call you a douchebag and you laugh it off but a random guy in a bar calls you a douchebag and suddenly you find yourself pouring lye into a shallow grave.

Our Top 20 List is no different. Some of the people on this list are incorrigible douchebags. They're always going to be a douchebag. If they cure cancer some day, they are going to be known as "the douchebag who cured cancer." They are eternal douchebags. There are others on this list who are douchebags because of one specific action or event and their douchebag status may eventually end. And there are others on this list who are douchebags but others accept their douchebaggery and don't particularly hold it against them. So without further adieu, here is our Top 20 List of Douchebags starting with number 20.

20. Ryan Gosling. This guy is a douchebag for three specific reasons. The first is that he was the worst cornerback in movie history. The second reason is his role in the Notebook. I don't fault him for the movie itself but I do fault him for filling the heads of millions of women with the idea that his portrayal of "manhood" in the film is realistic. Please. If the Notebook was at all realistic, Gosling's character would have waited for Rachel McAdams to return to town, shown her their dream house that he had painstakingly constructed by hand, waited for her to crack and admit that she had always loved him and then set the place on fire. That's how a real man would have handled that situation. The third reason Gosling's a douchebag is because he's banging Rachel McAdams.

19. Wilmer Valderrama. One of the most unexplainable mysteries in Hollywood is how in the name of God Fez can pull the chicks that he does. Mandy Moore and Lindsay Lohan?! The guy plays Fez on That 70's Show. It's not like he's a real actor or something. Directors aren't banging down his door to get Fez into their films. Casting directors aren't watching Joaquin Phoenix try out for a part and kicking themselves because Fez is already committed to star in the movie remake of CHiPs. But what really makes Fez a douchebag is what he did to Lohan. Before Fez, Lohan was a real woman with a real body. It was all good. Then Fez got involved and suddenly Lohan looked like a skinny, more coked-up version of Paris Hilton. It's been years since Fez and Lohan were an item and men everywhere are still holding out hope that Lohan will someday make a comeback.

18. Cash Warren. Noticing a theme here? This dude is hooking up with Jessica Alba. I'm not sure how long Cash has held Alba's family hostage but at some point shouldn't the FBI get involved? The suffering has gone on long enough. Director Mueller- save Jessica.

17. Oprah Winfrey. I'm a little concerned that Oprah's place on this list could hurt the chances of getting my soon-to-be-published memoir about my addiction to Suzy Q's and Xbox on her booklist. But, Oprah is a douchebag, she just is. Oprah's a douchebag because she's acting like the country is going to fall apart because some guy wrote a fib in a bestseller but yet she is more than happy to be complicit in the "Tom Cruise is straight" conspiracy. Oprah, what color is hypocrisy?

16. Jack from Lost. I wish Bailey would just show up and kick his ass. Jack has become an insufferable douchebag ever since Kate gave him the brush-off. Now, he spends every episode looking forlorn and stubbly. When he does actually do something somewhat non-douchey, he invariably screws it up totally and ends up looking like a bigger douchebag than before. And he has awful tattoos.

15. Jonathan Lipnicki. I watched Jerry Maguire the other night and was amazed that anyone ever found this kid the least bit likable. I have to imagine anyone whose professional career peaked at the age of 6 has to be a douchebag.

14. Adam Levine. This is the guy Jessica Simpson picks as her rebound guy? The lead singer of Maroon 5, the guy who had one of the worst Cribs in the history of the program, right up there with all the nobody BMXers who live in mediocre Atlanta subdivisions. Please, tell me this is just some Crazy Joe Simpson plan gone awry. I'm throwing a penalty flag on this one. If Jessica Simpson needed a rebound guy and I was too busy playing video games and ignoring my fiancé to notice then there is only one other logical choice- Tom Brady. End of story.

13. Old Real World & Road Rules People on the Gauntlet. It's sad really. Mark, Timmy, Syrus, Beth, Montana, please go home. Leave all the hot 20-year olds alone. Step away from the 'roids. Put down the bandanas and go home to your kids. I don't need to see your liver spots in HD.

12. Curt Schilling. I don't think there is one person in Boston who could stand to hang out with Schilling for more than 30 minutes straight. I think it's a physical impossibility, like chugging a gallon of milk in a minute. It just can't be done. Schilling is one of the more ridiculous athletes in the history of Boston sports. Doesn't mean that he isn't also one of the best big game pitchers of his era and a guy I will be screaming for each time he takes the mound. We all have a friend like Schilling. He's that friend who comes along on your vacation and even though everyone likes him and puts up with him, you know that at some point he's going to do something to completely ruin your night. It's inevitable, like the tides. That's Schilling. You know that no one on the Sox wants to get stuck next to him on the charter flight.

11. Ryan Cabrera. He's like a retarded puppy. With awful hair.

10. Scott Stapp. The news that Stapp appears in a new celebrity porn video is enough to convince me never to watch televised entertainment again on the off-chance that a scene from Stapp's video will somehow make its way into an episode of the Gilmore Girls. I don't agree with those crazy honor killings that take place in many parts of the world but if my daughter/sister/granddaughter/next door neighbor/ high school classmate was grotesque enough to get it on with Stapp, I would seriously consider one.

9. Kanye West. This has nothing to do with his politics (even though we all know that George Bush is absolutely terrified of black people). And this has nothing to do with his music. I just get the feeling that Kanye backstage makes Mariah Carey look like Mother Theresa.

8. Joel Madden. Joel, if you read Barstool Sports, I am hereby challenging you to a fight. You are the biggest poser I have ever laid eyes on. You're about as edgy as Screech. Please go away. Thank you.

7. President Logan from 24. At some point, Jack Bauer's going to stop letting you breathe, Charlie, and it can't be a minute too soon.

6. Bode Miller. Dude, I don't care that you consider winning an unnecessary part of athletics. But you're not skiing for the United States of Bode Miller. You're skiing for the US of A. I would rather we send some drunken weekend skier from Wachusett who was hell-bent on winning gold to Torino rather than some supposed God-like skier who can't finish a race.

5. Ashlee Simpson. Maybe the Chinese have the right idea with their one baby policy. If only the Simpson's had stopped at one. Instead, Crazy Joe needed an insurance plan in case his initial prototype failed. Unfortunately, Jessica turned out smoking and talented enough to convince girls that we're all staring at her talents, leaving the world to ponder what to do with Ashlee. She's like Sloth from the Goonies. The Simpsons should just chain her in their basement and let the rest of us start forgetting that she ever existed.

4. Maddox Jolie-Pitt. This kid is the LeBron James of douchebags. He's destined for a new level of douchebaggery. All future generations of douchebags will be measured by Maddox.

3. Alex Rodriguez. Easily one of the top baseball players of the past 50-years and just as easily one of the biggest douchebags in the history of professional sports. Unless you own ARod in a fantasy league, there isn't one likable thing about this guy. Everyone hates him. He could hit game-winning homeruns in the World Series in four straight games and Yankees' fans would still talk about how Jeter worked the pitcher to get ARod some good pitches. And they would be right because ARod is a douchebag.

2. Kevin Federline. I don't blame him for marrying rich and spending all of Britney's money on Ferraris, camouflage pants and trucker hats. But Federline is unmistakably a douchebag for two reasons. One, he thinks he has talent even though his entire life has consisted of moments proving otherwise. And two, more egregiously, Federline forever killed the cute, sexy, just-trashy-enough-to-be-intriguing Britney. Now, Britney looks like she should be on Elimidate.

1. Tom Cruise. Remember when Cruise was cool? Nope, me either. It's impossible to look back at one of his old, classic movies and not picture the modern-day, looney tunes Cruise. I'm not sure how much Cruise is paying Katie Holmes but all I can say is that I hope this is just some elaborate Dawson Leery film project. And at what point do the Scientologists begin to distance themselves from Cruise? He's killing them. You know that the Pope is sitting around the Vatican going "we may have some wacko priests but at least we aren't stuck with that douchebag Cruise."

Jamie Chisholm