That Guy...At The Gym
To preface this: I’m a slightly overweight, slightly balding, extremely pale mid/late twenties guy with drinking and gambling problems, and I’m assuming I’m not the only one out there. I hate going to the gym. I go for three main reasons. 1) To kill time during the work day 2) So I don’t look like Ted Washington by the time I’m 35 and 3) Because unfortunately girls in tight clothes don’t hang out at my desk or at my apartment. I hate going to the gym because it is a knucklehead’s paradise. This is where it all makes sense to him. This is his happy place.
1) That Guy that talks to you during your workout. He gives you tips like ‘if you do that laterally, your delts will really pop.’ Oh yeah? Thanks. No clue what that means, but if I was going to be on True Life: I’m a Body Builder or something that would really help. If I wanted my delts to pop, I would probably ask the cute physical trainer girl over there behind the desk. I want to have the strength to put one in the gap in my softball league and the endurance to leg out a double without going down like Patrick Pass; anything on top of that is an added bonus.
2) That Guy who wears ‘gym outfits.’ I’m pretty sure nobody at my gym is receiving endorsement checks from Nike or Everlast. It’s not impressive if you have the same outfit as the “We must protect this house” guy all the way down to the little skullcap thing. I can go to Target and buy it too. Also, there’s no reason to ruin a perfectly good tee by cutting the sleeves off. Throw on some mesh shorts and your Intramural Basketball t shirt from the late 90’s and go to town.
3) That Guy who works out in a group. This is a tough one. I don’t do it, but I understand working out with another guy. It gives you somebody to talk to, somebody to push you if you’re trying to attain a certain goal, and somebody to give you a heads up if a hot girl is walking by. I understand this. However, there is no reason to work out with a group of 3 or more because invariably the group tries to be the spectacle of the gym. It’s a bunch of guys trying to top each other with their workouts. You invariably hear ‘I squatted 650 forty eight times last week’ and ‘after my last triathlon…’ And what’s worse is when they loudly tell obviously fabricated stories, trying to outdo each other, like: ‘I made 7 million dollars last year’ and ‘I couldn’t choose between those Russian twins, so we had a threesome instead’. Really?
4) That guy that friggin loves himself. He walks around the locker room naked and talks to everyone in there for 45 minutes before and after his workout. And when he finally makes it out to the weights, he stares and flexes at himself in the mirror for most of his workout. He does everything short of kissing his biceps after every set. This guy probably grunts while lifting and screams ‘Cmon’ and ‘5 more’ while spotting. He’s usually about 20-30 pounds overweight and very hairy.
5) That guy who sings every song on the radio. No matter what genre, this guy knows the song and he’s gonna make sure that you know that he knows it. If he’s not doing this, he’s either singing the song in his headphones, or he’s playing air-guitar or air-drums. Everyone is wearing headphones and everyone is listening to songs they like too, but this guy is the only one who looks like he’s having a seizure.
Also Receiving Votes: That guy who flirts with the cute physical trainer girl. You know this guy. He’s standing at the desk every time you come in. It’s her job to sit there and talk to you. You’re 45 and overweight, she’s 24 and hot. Do the math, she hates you.