Stool Samples

Sportscasters and journalists have long been a driving force in the creation of player nicknames in sports. Never was this more the case than in the heyday of ESPN’s Chris Berman. His material was considered groundbreaking and funny when it began in the 1980s, but in 2006, it’s becoming, how shall we put it…unbearably annoying.

As Berman continues to plug away at his trade on TV, he’s been met with some additional competition in the nickname game courtesy of the Internet sports writers. In the current media environment, nicknaming athletes is the norm – some good, some bad.

(The Stool Samples crew is no exception as we’ve coined a few for the media stars we cover, including Senor Angry (Salisbury), the Big Savvy (Schlereth), Minister of Overkill (Pedro Gomez), but we’ve got an intricate set of checks and balances to make sure we stop ourselves before getting too nerdy, hopefully that includes readers telling us.)

Berman, while the leader of the dorky nickname club, is not alone in his endeavors. Fellow ESPN employee and Stool Samples target, Skip Bayless, has also coined his own brand of nicknames with a mutated version of Berman’s style. Skippy has labeled the Seattle football team the “Sea-Frauds” and A-Rod “C-Minus Rod” (we know, it’s like a 1st grader created those), amongst others, ensuring that he will always hover at the top of the “least readable columns” list.

Don’t look for it to end anytime in the near future. One player in today’s sports world is determined to challenge each and every writer and TV pundit to bring their very best (i.e. most childish) nickname skills to the table – his name is Terrell Owens.

Bayless was one of the first to chime in, coining the name “Terrible” Owens during the onset of the receiver’s problems in Philly. With the 2006 NFL season on the immediate horizon, writers are scrambling to match Bayless’ incomparable wit when it comes to nicknaming Owens.

The first week of training camp offered up a few more entries into the growing list of
cheap Owens names.

MSNBC’s Ron Borges did his best by labeling Owens, “Time Out” Owens.

Get it, TO stands for “Time Out”, which is what you give little kids for misbehaving? Nice effort, Ron, but sportsline.com’s Mike Freeman sees your nickname and raises you, by combining Terrell with Cowboys coach Bill Parcells for….ready…TerrellBill.

Freeman wasted no time throwing his best effort into the ring dropping his TO name in the headline of his column. The article’s original intent is to point out the absurdity of the sports media covering every single move of T.O. and Bill Parcells, comparing it to the tabloid pursuit of movie star couples. A worthwhile subject, but we were too busy being dazzled by the genius combination of Owens and Parcells molded together to sound like “terrible”. In fact, we were dazzled by it all 24 times he referenced the name in the 700-word column.

Take note NFL writers and talking heads - if you want to be known as one of the elite in your field, you’d better get out the pen and paper and start jotting down some nicknames for Terrell Owens before this business passes you by.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
"He's becoming a caricature of himself. I think he's starting to take himself too seriously because he wants to be the star of the White Sox. He wants to be known as a genius." - Skip Bayless on Ozzie Guillen

If you replace the words “White Sox” with “ESPN”, then Bayless just wrote about himself.
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“It’s like the ’27 Yankees all over again.” – Karl Ravech, on the Yankees lineup with the addition of Bobby Abreu

We’ll bet the house Karl can’t name more than three players from that ’27 lineup.
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“He’s a gamer.” – Steve Phillips, on new Yankees pitcher Cory Lidle

Lets reference the Joe Sportsfan Announcer-English Dictionary to translate – “gamer”: An indication that this particular player isn’t very good and doesn’t really bring anything to the table, but he comes out to play every night and looks like he’s into the game.  Also commonly defined as “the exact opposite of JD Drew.” 
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“Here’s a team (Bengals) that was punched in the mouth up the gut.” – Mike Golic, ESPN

If you played professional football it forever absolves you from having to make sense when you talk on TV.
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“In the new system, (Steven Jackson) could lead the league in rushing” – Pete Prisco, sportsline.com

Just about two months ago, Prisco wrote an entire column all but guaranteeing that Jackson “will” lead the league in rushing. Now he “could” lead the league. Just know that we’re watching you, Pete. We don’t want you to go Salisbury on us and begin listing off 15 running backs who “could” lead the league in rushing this season.

“These (young left-handed pitchers) are some of the greatest lefties ever.” – Steve Phillips

That sound you just heard was Sandy Koufax rolling over in his grave and he isn’t even dead yet.  Guys like Liriano, Kazmir, and Santana are certainly great pitchers, but it’s a little too early to declare any one of them the “greatest ever”.  And we’re not too worried about Phillips picking up where Harold left off.
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“I believe the best baseball player I'll ever see is Derek Jeter.  Playing in his shadow has to be daunting for Rodriguez, because Jeter, even when he's in mild funks, is so darn perfect.” – Peter King, SI.com

And Peter, this is why SI pays you to write about football, not baseball. 
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“Donovan (McNabb) is trying to do what we saw Andy Reid do on Thursday, sort of treat this with a light hearted smile and move on.” – Trey Wingo on the McNabb – Terrell Owens saga

How naïve of McNabb, thinking he can just smile and move on.  Doesn’t he know that the media absolutely refuses to do that until they’re certain the topic has been squeezed to death? 
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“(Dick Pound) played the role of Inspector Clouseau, rousting an organ grinder and his monkey for operating without a license while a bank robbery took place under his nose.” – Michael Ventre, nbcsports, discussing doping in cycling

Seriously; is it a mandatory requirement that the writers at msnbc.com craft nonsensical sentences that a second grader would be capable of?
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“T.O. talking… AGAIN.  Find out what T.O. had to say about his former team this time around.” – Trey Wingo, NFL Live

The world would be a better place if the football media realized that they are the ones responsible for discussing T.O.... AGAIN.
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”That’s just another example of defense.” – Al Hrabosky, after Scott Rolen saved a run with a diving play

Sometimes we wonder if Al is actually getting paid real American money.
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“The learning curve is over.  As far as applying it, yes, there is a learning curve.” – Merril Hoge, on Phillip Rivers

Thanks for the clarity, Merril

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Mike Celizic is Horny for You
In response to the sexual harassment claim that led to Harold Reynolds’ firing, nbcsports’ old senile columnist showed he’s also very horny. Speak, you decrepit pervert…

“Sexual harassment in the workplace is a serious issue. But sexual innuendo and wordplay – I believe it used to be called flirting – isn’t going away. I hope I’m not the only one who doesn’t want it to.”

Keep in mind this man uttered that quote:










We apologize if your coffee and Pop Tarts just spewed on to your keyboard.

Savvitude

The Big Savvy, Mark Schlereth, unleashed a barrage of his own football dialect, Schlereth-ese, in one episode of NFL Live proving that he and his colleagues will pick up right where they left off last season.

“I like the kind of football player he is.  He is an impact football player.  He is a great football player.” –on John Abraham

“You talk Marty Schottenhemier, you talk one of the greatest coaches in National Football League history.”

“Ty Law… great football acumen - not one of the most athletic football players in the National Football League.”

“Rookies usually hit the wall in the National Football League.”

“That offense has one of the best running games in the National Football League.” – on the Chargers 

“He’s putting pressure on this football team… this veteran football team.  They have a lot of talented football players… don’t get me wrong… a lot of talented football players.” - On Art Shell and the Raiders

“You gotta step up.  You gotta make football plays.” – on Phillip Rivers

And that was all in one episode of NFL Live.  We can’t wait till the regular season – when all of us watching need to step up and make football plays.

Stool Samples is written by Pat Imig and Josh Bacott.
Email them @ pgi@joesportsfan.com