Stool Samples

To celebrate the month of June, the Stool Samples crew has decided to give up something we’d never think we could part ways with - our favorite hobby: ripping on ESPN.  That’s right; for the next two editions of Stool Samples, there will be absolutely no mention of the WorldWide Sports Leader in this space.  Over the past year, we’ve come to the realization that ESPN and its band of merry mouthpieces and overblown stories is just too easy of a target, so we’re turning our spotlight on the rest of the sports media. 

Consider it similar to last year’s ESPN summer series “50 States in 50 Days” – our way of celebrating… something.  The only difference is that we won’t be traveling from state to state in a Stool Samples tour bus and won’t be filling you with information such as, “Iowa is the only state in the union to begin and end with a vowel (thanks, Chris Berman).”

Giving up ESPN means that we won’t get to touch on the people and stories that we would normally devour like a biscuits and gravy platter.  We’ll sit quietly and ignore things such as SportsCenter’s live coverage of Roger Clemens’ first minor league start which was one of the most stunning displays of media hero worship ever to hit the television (we couldn’t resist that one last shot.  I mean, come on, the guy wasn’t even retired and we’re covering his entire minor league stint with live pitch by pitch breakdowns?)

Of course we realize that during our hiatus, the network will unknowingly produce some of its best (read: comically bad) material. We wouldn’t be surprised to see all the follow happen during the network’s absence from Stool Samples coverage:

-Stu Scott Poetry Extravaganza

-Steve Phillips performs a thirty-minute mock press conference posing as Albert Pujols to answer questions about his oblique – with Dominican accent included. 

-Chris Berman unveils his Top 10 sleazy pick up lines that he’s used in bars.

-Sean Salisbury sits through an entire episode of NFL Live with a Brett Favre blowup doll on his lap, but does not acknowledge it in any way.

-Skip Bayless writes an article about American Idol (wait that happened last week)

-Neil Everett finally succumbs to the voices in his head and takes 12 shots of Jaegermeister during a live SportsCenter.

Even if it does unfold that way, so be it, Stool Samples is looking for new stars to grace this column – people who receive their paychecks from somewhere other than Bristol, CT. 

Good-bye, ESPN.  See you Wednesday, July 5th.

(note: this doesn’t include ESPN personalities appearing on ABC’s NBA Finals coverage, they’re still on the hook).

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“Chalk much of that up to Ben Sheets' injury problems.” – Jacob Luft, si.com on why the Brewers have given up the most runs in the NL.

Okay, time to dispel the myth: Sheets has a 55-62 career mark, he’s yielded more hits than innings pitched in all but two seasons as a Major Leaguer, and his 2006 ERA is 6.64.  Not to mention fellow Brewers starters Doug Davis and Dave Bush have ERA’s at 5.23 and 4.95 respectively, to go along with 12 other pitchers on the staff with ERA’s over 4.00. 

Good job, Jacob, of throwing out a horribly lazy and factually baseless claim. 
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“As tempting as it is to bury these guys right now (the Cubs) -- just say the word and I'll go get my shovel -- I just can't do it. They have too much star power (Mark Prior and Derrek Lee) coming back and the bullpen isn't half-bad if Ryan Dempster can get hot again.” – Jacob Luft

Considering Mark Prior has topped his fast ball at 90 mph in multiple rehab stints, it isn’t likely he’ll be the same Mark Prior in year’s past.  And “if” Ryan Dempster “can get hot again”, the Cubs still have, as you said, a bullpen that isn’t “half-bad”. 

Yeah, you really supported your claim well again. 
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“If (the Miami Heat) lose, they’ve failed.” – Mike Celizic, msnbc.com

Celizic went on to say that if it rains in Miami, there will be precipitation.
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“(Mark Mulder) is a touchy feely pitcher.” – Tim McCarver, Fox Sports

Even if that comment made any sense, one would say Mulder has felt and touched his way to yielding the most homers and earned runs on the Cardinals this season.
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“You know with all the steroid talk, you never, ever, ever hear Griffey’s name mentioned. So with all the numbers he’s put up, even more impressive.” – Al Hrabosky, Fox Sports Midwest

There you have it, if the media decides you’ve done steroids then you have and if not, congratulations. 
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“It is more difficult for a ground ball pitcher to have a good earned run average.  Most of the time, it’s easier for a fly-ball pitcher (to have a good ERA).” – Tim McCarver

We’re really at a loss for words on that one.
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“Wanna cut open his heart and weigh it against all kinds of bigger people?” – Al Hrabosky explaining how big David Eckstein’s heart is.

Yes Al; let’s get the psycho from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and have him rip out Eckstein’s heart to see how big it really is.  Jesus.
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“Why does it seem that A-Rod hits into a double play every time he's up with a game on the line in the eighth inning? Uncanny.” – Peter King,

Because you’re a moron. 
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Media Rant of the Week – A Rising Star
Meet cbssportsline’s Matt Rehm.  After reading chapter 9 of Rob Dibble’s thesis on sports writing, he’s learned that, when all else fails and you’re looking for something to write about, discuss how a certain event or topic in sports is irrelevant because sports isn’t life or death, it’s merely a game. 

In his column titled, “In the Grand Scheme of Things, There Should Have Been No Crying in Baseball”, Rehm writes that Frank Robinson should feel ashamed for his public display of tears after removing third string catcher Matt LeCroy from a game in which the Astros stole 7 bases off him.  He dissects Robinson’s emotional post-game breakdown as unnecessary because of a number of reasons, outside of LeCroy not being the “face of the franchise” or a “longtime veteran”. 

Robinson need not show emotion for his player because….

“Edward Van Dyk threw his 4- and 8-year-old boys off the 15th-floor balcony of their Miami hotel, then plunged to his own death.”

“Each of us owes about $28,000 as our share of the national debt.”

“(For the people in Indonesia) there was the tsunami of 2004, they were hit with a bird flu outbreak, and now a 6.3-magnitude earthquake has killed more than 6,000 people and Mount Merapi is  threatening to erupt.”

“Faced with such devastation, all the survivors can do is try to endure -- which is pretty much what LeCroy was doing until Robinson made the gut-wrenching, life-altering decision to replace him.”

“The United States has the Second-worst newborn mortality rate in the developed world.”

And Rehm has a few questions and comments for Frank himself…

“But we're all supposed to shed a tear for some journeyman baseball player who had a bad night in a position that he doesn't normally play, right?”

“You should manage your own team. Just save your tears for something worthwhile -- the sort of legitimate human suffering that sports can neither cause nor heal.”

Then all we can say to you, Mr. Rehm, is save the words in your columns for the same thing.  Why write about sports when people are suffering? After all, if sports don’t matter in the grand scheme, then sports columns mean absolutely nothing.  Something tells us that, even though Rehm is at peace with the greater meaning of life, he’ll still cash the paycheck he’s earned by commenting on such insignificant subject matter. 

Everyone give Matt Rehm a warm Stool Samples ovation for a rather impressive debut.

Joe Theismann is Angry at Ricky Williams
As a result of Ricky’s recent signing with the Toronto Argonauts (a CFL record), Joseph lashed out at the Holistic doper in a radio interview.  Take it away, quarterback teste massager…

"I don't ever want to be mentioned in the same breath as Ricky Williams as a football player. He's a disgrace to the game.”

If Williams was an extroverted, fiery type of player or wrote about the media in a Boston publication, he’d probably say something about how Theismann’s unabashed love for all things quarterbacks and his boners for Tedy Bruschi, Charlie Weis and Joe Theismann are much more disgraceful than anything Williams has ever smoked.