Stool Samples

Stool Samples – Pat Imig, Josh Bacott (email @ pgi@joesportsfan.com)

The day was March 18.  The place was San Diego, CA.  The event was a classic match up of two countries battling for a spot in the first ever World Baseball Championship game.  The teams were the loaded Dominican Republic and the upstart Cuban team looking to knock off the tournament giant. 

The intense pride shown by the nation’s faithful could be seen in the stands with rabid flag waving, dancing and chanting for a full 9 innings.  Thousands of people oozing pure joy from watching a baseball game. 

But that unbridled joy wasn’t contained to the stands.  Far above the field overlooking this display of international baseball talent, was an announcer who had found his own little slice of heaven. 

Jon Miller, ESPN’s number one baseball play-by-play man had finally realized paradise.  It wasn’t watching as Barry Bonds launched balls into McCovey Cove in San Francisco or listening to Joe Morgan blather on in his attempt to prove his superior baseball intelligence. 

It was two lineups completely filled with Latin names to over pronounce. 

For those who are familiar with Sunday Night Baseball or any of Miller’s other work, you may know him as a solid, no frills play-by-play guy.  We know him as a solid, no frills play-by-play guy who absolutely loves to show off his ability to pronounce Hispanic names as if he were a proud citizen of their homeland. 

The WBC was his time to shine. 

Just look at some of these names on the Cuban roster:

Yulieski Gonzalez
Osmani Urrutia
Vicyohandri Odelin
Yosvany Perez
Ormari Romero

We can just see the spittle flying out of Miller’s mouth as he unveiled a symphony of rolling ‘R’s’ calling out the name “Ariel Borrero”.

Quite frankly, how is Major League Baseball, with its abundance of boring American names, supposed to bring out the best in Miller?   Sunday Night Baseball might never be the same.   Once a man spends time in utopia, it’s tough to come back the same. 

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
”The Eagles came in feeling disrespected.” – Ian Eagle on Boston College

Nice to see that the disrespect card transcends from pro football to college basketball.
____

“He played out to the right with a hooker.” – Roger Maltbie on golfer Darren Clarke

Perhaps this is why Clarke failed to come from behind and win at Bay Hill two weeks ago.
____

"For the first time in his career, football was taken away from him (T.O.).  When he was in San Francisco, he was a problem. In Philadelphia, he was a problem.  Let's be real, he is a problem. But now, I think he has changed. He has realized how much he misses football." – Rodney Peete  (Fox Sports) on Terrell Owens

Translation: He’ll be a solid citizen for a year, and then morph back into the maniacal ego monster that he really is. 

Translation #2: (Complete snickering and laughter).
____

"He (Larry Brown) flexed a real hard juice card, I know that. So he definitely made me aware of what he can do. But that doesn't scare me at all." – Stephon Marbury

Seriously guys; this is just getting weird now.
___

“This is not a good deal for Dallas. It is a fantastic deal. (Terrell) Owens is a great football player in a 14-year-old boy's body.” – Peter King SI.com

We think we know what King is trying to say here – that TO is immature – but for someone who is a professional writer, you’d think he’d catch the weird sexually perverted overtones the first or second time he re-read it. 
___

"That's what the Cardinals do best.. the little things like sliding." - John Kruk on a So Taguchi stolen base.

John Kruk’s Analysis – Reason #465 why baseball is amazing.

”He understands the game.  He knows how to play.”– Jay Bilas on West Virginia’s Mike Gansey
”We said it coming in…whoever makes more plays will win the game.” – on Duke/LSU
“They were good enough to get to the Final Four.” – on LSU

This is why Jay Bilas earns top dollar to give insight.  Thank you for enlightening us, Dr. Obvious.
____

"He just has a beautiful body... a Michaelangelo sculpture from a dream" - Bill Walton on Dwyane Wade

We swear; he really did say that.  And nice to see that Walton is allowed to bring his drugs with him courtside.
____

“On a night in which Texas and UCLA both pulled off miraculous victories, the biggest story was still Duke's loss to LSU.” – Foxsports.com

In other words, we didn’t have time to write a story on the late games, which were far better, so we’ll just try to convince you that the Duke loss was a bigger deal.
____

“Dallas (Cowboys) 2005 W-L Record: 10-6.” – ESPN Insider

See, that’s why we pay the money for Insider: to get factual errors at a premium price. (Dallas finished 9-7)
____

“And that’s what you expect to do on the golf course? ‘ Kick some butt’” – Ed Bradley speaking to Tiger Woods.

There’s just something strangely funny about Ed Bradley saying “Kick some butt”.

Media Rant of the Week – The Gullible Media

Everyone had one kid in their group of friends who was the gullible one.  Whatever you told him, no matter how ridiculous it may have been, he always believed.  If nothing else, his blissful ignorance provided a brief chuckle before someone had to inevitably tell him that he was an idiot for believing everything people said. 

The sports media is that friend. 

In their never ending quest to find a headline or an angle that will create a splash, the media just continues to blindly follow the same stories year after year.  The most obvious examples are ones that have been discussed in this column at length – the yearly flirtations with retirement for Roger Clemens and Brett Favre, the antics of Terrell Owens, the idea that Peyton Manning is finally poised for a Super Bowl. 

Each year, newspapers, web sites, TV shows all forget that they heard the same rhetoric the previous year and break land speed records running to Clemens and Favre to report on their indecision in the off season.  Meanwhile, the sports-watching public sits back and collectively shakes their head, wondering if they’ll ever learn. 

In addition to the standard stories on Clemens, Favre, Barry Bonds and Terrell Owens, one of the favorite topics of the gullible media is the vaunted pitching staff of the Chicago Cubs.  The same pitching staff that makes media members drool and fantasy owners cringe each and every spring.

This year, even after both Mark Prior and Kerry Wood have suffered injury setbacks that could prevent them from being ready on opening day, new Yahoo sports analyst and Hall of Famer Tony Gywnn stood up and proved that he will fit in perfectly in the sports media industry. 

”I’m gonna say the Chicago Cubs (to win the NL).  I think Prior and Wood make that big a difference playing at Wrigley Field every day.”

Hook.

“I just think if they can get those two guys back with the type offense they have and the kind of defense they play, this is a team that can get to the World Series.”

Line.

“I took the Cubs because of Prior and Wood…the key again lies in Prior and Wood’s pitching.”

And sinker.

At this point, you can’t help but laugh like you did at your gullible friend.  You almost expected more from a player like Tony Gwynn, who used his intelligence and knowledge to gain the upper hand in each at bat., but apparently when one applies for a media pass, all common sense and ability to spot recurring trends is sacrificed. 

If past history tells us anything, it’s that the Prior and Wood have about as much chance of being healthy as a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese. 

We’re now eagerly awaiting Gwynn’s prediction that JD Drew will win the MVP - so long as he doesn’t get injured.  

Fun with dot-com headlines
McGinest a free agent as Pats make cuts – CBSSportsline.com
Patriots cut playoff hero McGinest in cap move – Foxsports.com
Patriots sack McGinest in salary cap-cutting move. – ESPN.com

Clemens makes a visit to Rangers' spring training. – Foxsports.com
Clemens pays visit to Texas Rangers – CBSSportsline.com
Surprise! Clemens visits Rangers camp in Arizona – ESPN.com (Ranger’s Spring Training is in Surprise, Arizona)

Bettis says he lost $67,050 worth of jewelry in Michigan – Foxsports.com
Bettis files report for lost jewelry in Detroit – CBSSportsline.com
Super win, $67K loss: Bettis reports missing bling – ESPN.com


It appears that if you want to be a dot com headline writer for the Worldwide Sports Leader, you need to be creative and snappy.  Otherwise, you’ll be nothing more than a headline ham-and-egger for Foxsports.com or CBS Sportsline.

Good lord, can we get an editor in here please?

“I was scheduled for a colonoscopy on Thursday in West Paterson, N.J. If you've had one, or if you've had any intestinal procedure, you know that the day before such an internal snaking you've got to be, well, cleaned out. One problem for me: On Wednesday, I was covering the Vince Young workout in Austin. My cleanout was due to begin at 1 p.m. My flight was due to leave Austin three hours later, and I was scheduled to get home by 8. In other words, I was not going to have the home-bathroom advantage for a good portion of the internal preparation.” – Peter King SI.com

“All the Team USA pitchers — and pitching coach Marcel Lachemann — were in awe of Roger Clemens. But one thing they weren’t ready for was Clemens taking that Icy Hot that pitchers rub on their shoulders and arms and spreading it over his upper thighs and private parts” – Peter Gammons

Peter King’s crapping issues and Roger Clemens affinity for a menthol-enhanced package are things we can just file away under “Man, I didn’t need to read that”. 

Thanks, gentlemen.