Stool Samples
When ESPN announced in October that they had ponied up several million to obtain the services of Rick Reilly, we paid tribute by highlighting one of Reilly’s most impressive accomplishments while at Sports Illustrated – racking up seven similes/metaphors in one single column about Tim Wakefield’s knuckleball.
Now that he’s over at ESPN, we wanted to check in on his progress. Seven columns in and we’re only counting nine total similes and metaphors…
the game made him meaner than a dyspeptic rattler
is like rooting for the salmon to eat the bear
That's more one-sided than a Venezuelan election.
But it's like watching a thresher go through wheat.
start going through cash like Jack Black through the Keebler factory
They burn money like the Pentagon
Those are the kinds of guys who will suck up your dough like a street-sweeper
Where do you start in a place that has more history than Barbara Walters' closet?
He is more fun than a Dubai expense account
That’s only 1.28 per column. Not worth $2 million annually if you ask us. So if the rhetorical tropes have gone by the wayside, what exactly is ESPN getting for their money?
Poems.
Hey, Simmons got a cartoon, why shouldn’t Reilly get to recite golf poetry on TV? ESPN sure treats its columnists well.
Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth
"General manager Ted Thompson and coach Mike McCarthy barely mentioned the "BF" word in their address to stockholders on Thursday."- Reid Cherner, USA Today
You know things are bad when the mainstream media won't even say the name Brett F***e. You know Favre's contemplating a comeback, right?
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"The conservative offensive style that was the signature of the first two Scott Linehan years has been replaced by a bold and beautiful up-tempo Greatest Show on Turf revival."- Bryan Burwell, STL Post-Dispatch
When you consider last year's documentation of Greatest Show comments from the media, you realize that Burwell is off the mark. This year would mark the revival of the Greatest Show on Turf Revival.
*Report: FoxSports offers Chris Rose and intern to Sports Illustrated for Dr. Z.*
"So Al Saunders, who like Martz comes off the flamboyant Air Coryell coaching tree, was hired as offensive coordinator to reinstall the Greatest Show, help reignite the energy in the Edward Jones Dome and make the Rams a dazzling offensive threat again."- Burwell
Again, you might think Burwell is off the mark, but we obtained a copy of Saunders' resume and it had only one line "Worked with the dude indirectly responsible for the Greatest Show on Turf". Pretty easy hiring decision if you're the Rams front office.
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"If that were [done in a playful way], I think it'd be a lot of fun, but it depends on how playful it is."- Tim McCarver, on the prospect of Red Sox fans wearing Madonna masks during A-Rod at bats
McCarver further elaborated that use of clown shoes and suspenders while listening to the Captain Kangaroo theme song in your head would reach appropriate levels of playfullness.
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"The Internet age has brought an increased demand for news and information in practically every area of life. And nowhere have avenues opened up for an explosion of blogs quite like sports." - John Coon, Salt Lake Desert News
Nowhere, except politics, news, and entertainment. In other words, pretty much everywhere.
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*Sources: ESPN in market for lefthanded anchor with frosted tips*
“He was sidelined from baseball by injuries and scandals, but Josh Hamilton battled back to become baseball’s R&B leader and homerun derby hero”– TLC Voiceover in ad for TV show, “Real Estate Pros”
You knew about how many RBI he has this year, but it took TLC break the news to fans that Josh Hamilton is also one of the foremost R&B performers in the entire league. Dude's voice is like silk.
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"And Boston would have to become extraordinarily desperate to start thinking the decidedly un-clutch Adam Dunn could replace (Manny) Ramirez."– Jon Heyman, SI.com
Most people tend to consider a traditional "clutch" situation as 2 outs with runners in scoring position. In those situations, super clutch Manny is hitting .261/.414/.435 (Avg/OBP/SLG) with one homerun in 46 at bats. Meanwhile Dunn is hitting .242/.457/.818 with 6 homeruns in 33 at bats in the same situation. The un-clutch one basically hits one bomb every five at bats in the most clutch of scenarios. Quality analysis as always from Jon Heyman.
*Rumor mill: FSN negotiating with Chris Rose on long term contract*