Stool Samples

Apparently ESPN still isn't convinced that people just don't care about the ESPYs.

A week ago Tuesday night, the network actually dedicated an hour of programming to unveiling the nominees for the 2008 ESPYs.  Pay no mind to the fact that you would be hard pressed to find one sports fan outside of Bristol who could name a single award winner from the 2007 version.  That doesn't stop them from treating the official announcement of the nominees for the prestigious "Hummer Like Nothing Else" Award and the "Under Armour Undeniable Moment" Award like its a huge development in the sports world.

For 60 minutes, ESPN talking heads including Skip Bayless, Rob Parker, Tony Kornheiser, Mike Wilbon and Jim Rome debated the merits of the nominees in each category, which was roughly 60 more minutes than any self-respecting sports fan would ever spend thinking about the ESPYs.

Aside from the Jim Valvano speech given during 1993 ESPYs, we honestly can't think of anything redeemable from the contrived sports awards ceremony.  Especially considering each sport has its own awards - you know, things like the "MVP" and "Champions".  Basically the ESPY Awards are the equivalent of the WNBA.  Both are still around strictly because their founders aren't willing to concede that they should have pulled the plug years ago.

But hey, Justin Timberlake is hosting this year. 

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"This principle (Christian faith) is partly what makes (Shaun) Alexander a pillar in his community and a pariah to some NFL general managers... Football is not Alexander's first love. Maybe if playing football was his only goal, some GMs wouldn't have called Alexander, 30, washed up." - Shannon J. Owens, Orlando Sentinel

Or maybe if Alexander wouldn't have averaged 3.5 yards per carry the past two seasons, he wouldn't have been called washed up.

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"It does reveal a larger problem in sports culture. Athletes are ridiculed if they develop or nurture outside passions equal or, in some cases, above their sport." - Owens

This is example A on how to create an entire story out of one hypothesis. There is no concrete evidence supporting Owens' claim, and she fails to cite the only factual evidence that would support why Alexander hasn't gotten much interest in the free agent market. Keep at it, Shannon. Pretty soon you'll be writing for Page 2.

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"Sunday marks the official halfway point in the Major League Baseball season, Sunday also considered by many a holy day. Baseball considered holy, right? Annie in Bull Duram. I believe in the church of baseball. 108 beads in a Catholic rosary, 108 stitches in a baseball. Belief in miracles exists in nearly all our religions and our definition of a miracle is a violation of the laws of nature, which brings us to Tampa Bay: half game out of first halfway through the season - one season after dropping the Devil." - Neil Everett

This is the type of writing that turns journalism professors on and at the same time turns sports fans away. Put a cork in it, Neil.

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"The Orioles without what Sonny called the Holy Ghost power: an 11 game losing streak on Sundays." - Neil Everett

If you're keeping score at home, this marks the 4th straight quote dealing with religion (Stool Samples career high). For the record, we Googled "Sonny holy ghost" and this guy appeared, proving Neil might be a little more devout than originally perceived.

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"Sitting on the dock on the bay, watching Oakland and San Francisco play." - Neil Everett

And turning down the volume on the television, we just may. (Yea us).

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“You can't have tight pants and be a catcher.”- Tim McCarver

McCarver knows this because a) he was a catcher and b) he had a three error game after viewing Farah Fawcett topless in the clubhouse Playboy.

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"It will be Randy Johnson against Tim Wakefield, two guys who have been equally nasty in their careers."- Karl Ravech

No one will discount Wakefield's effectiveness over the last 16 seasons, but he hasn't exactly been on par with Randy Johnson.

The Will Leitch Man-Crush Unveiled

We have to assume that if the day ever comes when Chris Berman decides to hang up his microphone for good, ESPN will likely dedicate significant programming to covering the loss of their patriarch.  Specials, tributes, SportsCentury flashbacks, Stu Scott poems - the Worldwide Leader would lay it on thick.  The natural reaction to that from sports blogs across the land – including this one – would be to incessantly mock the inflated hype of the whole affair.   If there’s one thing bloggers are good at, it’s calling out the sports media for fawning over itself.

But what happens when the blogs are guilty of the same thing?  We saw that very scenario two weeks ago on the unofficial leader of the sports blogosphere – Deadspin.com – when it dedicated an entire day of posts to “roasting” its founding editor, Will Leitch, who was stepping aside to take a job at New York Magazine.  The performance was as ironic as it was nauseating.

We’ve met Will Leitch and he seemed like a genuinely nice guy, he was never shy about giving out links to JSF and above all else, he's a good writer.  We’re fairly certain he would have preferred to avoid all the hoopla if he had a choice.  All that said, we never thought we’d witness written fellatio the likes of which his cohorts on Deadspin dished out last Friday unless it involved the names King and Favre.

During his final day as editor of the site, guest bloggers gushed about Leitch like he had died a tragic sports-writing death and they were charged with eulogizing him.  Drew Magary, aka Big Daddy Drew from Kissing Suzy Kolber helped host the roast on the site and finished off the day’s festivities with this heart-warming love note…

"Leitch, you have not only helped revolutionize the way sports are covered in this day and age, you also helped redefine what it means to be a sports fan. Three years ago, being a sports fan meant you had to be a know-it-all, armchair coaching dipshit. You’ve helped destroy all that self-seriousness. You’ve helped make sports fun again."

To reiterate, we enjoy Leitch’s writing and thought that – while it had begun to slip of late – Deadspin was a great means to waste some time at work.  But suggesting that a sports humor blog was responsible for helping to "revolutionize the way sports are covered" and "redefine what it means to be a sports fan” is Milton Bradley-level insane.   If Drew Magary saw no fun or humor in sports until Will Leitch came along and magically introduced him to it, then that’s great, but lets not assume that the same rings true for all sports fans.  Frankly, we knew sports were ridiculous the minute we saw this.

Although apparently Magary's sentiment was shared with some of the typically vicious Deadspin commenters who were not immune to getting swept up in the ridiculous pseudo-emotional goodbye…

“Cheers to everyone. It takes a village to roast a revolutionary.”

“There's something incredible about the fact that I've been a small part of a huge revolution in the world of sports. Thank you, Will.”

“This may be the 10th post in the past 3 weeks in which we've all said goodbye to Will. That being said, I never want to stop.”

“Is it wrong that I'm sadder at Will leaving than I was when my grandmother died?”

“This has been one of the best days of my life.”

“Dammit, I'm glad I found this site in time to understand how much you've changed the world, Will.”

We’re pretty sure this is how cults start.