Stool Samples

We here at the Stool Samples Bureau of JoeSportsFan.com headquarters have always been fans of ESPN’s Bill Simmons.  He was a fresh, new columnist in a world full of Mitch Albom’s when he rose to prominence in the early parts of the decade.

Over the past few years, much of the earlier creativity and originality has fallen by the wayside; simultaneously the phenomenon of the sports blog exploded with Simmons being a common target of blogger venom.  Despite it all, we remained staunch in our support – reading his columns online as well as in ESPN the Magazine whenever they appeared.

But we may have hit the end of our rope.

We’re certainly not ones to begrudge anyone’s success – with what Simmons has accomplished in a short period of time as a sports writer, who can blame him for poking around with other ventures like TV or writing books.  But his recent lobbying for the Milwaukee Bucks GM job has quickly gone from amusing gimmick to delusional obsession.

Simmons started out proclaiming his candidacy for the job as a joke.  He admitted as much in his magazine column on the topic:

When I jokingly announced my "campaign" to become the next Bucks GM on ESPN.com, something strange happened: Dozens of e-mails poured in from disgruntled fans pledging support.

And later in the same column, when he began laying out his credentials, it became obvious that it was a joke – whether he was in on it or not was becoming more of a mystery.  

As for my other credentials, in 2005 I wrote that the Bucks should take Chris Paul instead of Andrew Bogut. In 2006, I won the NBA Cares Celebrity Fantasy League. In 2007, my preseason prediction (San Antonio over Cleveland in the Finals) came to pass. This year, I mastered the Trade Machine to the degree that it sent me an automated e-mail begging, "Leave me alone, I'm worn out."

Hey, it probably would be fun to follow a team led by a fan GM.  Sort of like the movie Little Big League.  But when Simmons openly began using his post as the leading ESPN.com columnist to start begging for a job that everyone knows he’ll never get it got real tiring real quick.  This week’s column officially took his personal fantasy to a new level, one that radiated egotism and placed him shoulder to shoulder with the long list of other sports media members who have an over-inflated opinion of their place in the sports world.

As tragic and depressing as this sounds, other than winning the 2008 lottery, framing LeBron James for a crime or bringing Don Nelson back to Milwaukee, the only realistic way that the Bucks could generate some local and mainstream buzz would be to make me a candidate…just to get their fans chattering, they should have contacted me and thrown my name in the mix, even if they didn't really mean it.

Let’s get our arms around this – so, Simmons has apparently convinced himself that the only way that the Milwaukee Bucks franchise can generate any buzz is to involve him in the search for a GM.

Sure, Bill.  Say hi to Berman and Lupica in fantasy land for us.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

"Have you ever been this high?  It feels great!"- Mike Gminski, on a slam dunk

Judging from Mike Gminski’s broadcasting performance over the weekend, we’re guessing he was pretty ripped all throughout.

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"Eight rebounds for (Scottie Reynolds) and only 6 assists away from a triple double."- Mike Gminski

Why stop there?  Throw in ten steals and we got a quadruple double.

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"I thought that Duke would respond in a positive way after that Belmont game.  West Virginia marched on.  And remember at Duke, all the critics will come out, but their standard of excellence is a lot different... they're like those Yankees, baby, unless you win it all, people say 'what happened'?"-Dick Vitale

Dickey V is right: that Duke Blue Devils standard of excellence has resulted in just one championship this decade and the scorn of the majority of college hoops fans.

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"I like the fact he took [jersey] No. 1. I don't think a player takes No. 1 if he has doubts,'' - Lou Piniella on Kosuke Fukudome

That kind of insight is why the Cubbies paid Sweet Lou the big bucks.

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"They don't have great depth, so they are foul trouble away from being in trouble."- Steve Lavin, on North Carolina

But what if they reach ‘scoring trouble’ in a future tournament game?  Would that land the Tar Heels in trouble?  Think about that, Steve.  Think about that.

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"Howard is one of those guys that just likes to bang you on the inside."- Bill Raftery

This coming from the man who told us during the ’07 tournament that that Mike Conley, Jr. “can jerk it.  He can do it with his left hand or his right hand.”  Safe to say we enjoy the Bill Raftery experience.

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Bob Knight Being Paid in Monopoly Money

Much has been made (mostly by ESPN) over the involvement of Robert Montgomery Knight’s television analysis (on ESPN).  While he hasn’t cursed up a storm or taught the viewers at home how to play Duck Hunt, he has refrained from wearing a tie because he’s ROBERT MONTGOMERY KNIGHT, GOD DAMNIT!

He’s also proved that the so called “expert” can be on par with a 3rd grade basketball coach when it comes to basketball knowledge.  When asked what to watch for in Thursday’s and Friday’s games, Knight offered the following:

”In every (Sweet 16) game, there are going to be three factors.  Number one is defensive play.  The team that plays the best defense is the most difficult to score against....  Number two is rebounding.  There are games thus far that have been decided by good rebounding or by poor rebounding.  Number three is the 3-point shot.  Shooting a good percentage and it helping you win, or shooting a poor percentage and it causes you to lose.” 

To review: good defense, good rebounding and 3-point efficiency are likely to be the 3 deciding factors in the round of Sweet 16.  Thank God ESPN opened up the checkbook.

Media Rant – When Madness Succumbs to Snappiness

It hardly needs to be said, but the NCAA Tournament is a great sporting event.  Even when your brackets resemble a car wreck, the games, for the most part, continue to entertain.  And for as much as the common fan dislikes Billy Packer, the CBS team of announcers usually does a commendable job.  There is no ESPN-style hype and hoopla, and there aren’t any Fox-like innovations (see: robots, floor-cams etc.)  In the end, the games are the main focus and that’s why the tournament still holds the luster and interest level it did years ago.

Sure there are times when viewers can be subjected to what seems like 17 timeout-induced game-changes in the span of just a few minutes, and there are always ample reminders that 60 Minutes and Cold Case will air immediately following Road to the Final Four postgame coverage, but we’ve come to expect that over the years.

The only consistent flaw we’ve observed this year is the penchant for the CBS broadcast teams to integrate some good healthy snappiness into the call of the action.  Maybe it shouldn’t be a surprise, considering Jim Nantz is recognized as the lead play-by-play man and has historically ended the tournament on snappy notes.

Whatever the reason, even we were surprised at the surplus of snappiness (note our alliteration).

There’s the every popular classic play-on-name variety:

"This is a great opportunity for Painter maybe to paint two plays the final 42 seconds."- Craig Bolerjack on Purdue coach Matt Painter

"One of the biggest upsets in NCAA Tournament history comes up short by just a Hare"– Rece Davis on Belmont’s Justin Hare

"That’s why they call him McSteal and now they might call him McThree"– Jay Bilas on Marquette’s Jerel McNeal

Poetic prose from Reverend Kellogg

"I call that ‘Much in the clutch'."

"They have it going and flowing." - Clark Kellogg

Berman-esque geographical quips

"Was that from Little Rock or North Little Rock?"- Ian Eagle

"The way Abrams is shooting the ball, he may buy some property here."- Jim Spanarkle

Simple Snap: similes, metaphors and whatever else

"It has been a block party for UCLA."– Jay Bilas

"This underdog has been playing like a bunch of junkyard dogs."– Jay Bilas, on Texas A&M

"It’s a Texas three party!"– Ian Eagle

"Kansas State hopes the curtain doesn’t come down on them this afternoon," - Kevin Harlan minutes after a curtain fell from the rafters onto the court in Omaha

How about a little corporate synergy to impress the corporate big-wigs?

"(Joe Crawford) has played like Two and a Half Men with 28 points!" - Jay Bilas

"The Badgers have a feel for the heat ... with Mondays #1 drama as it returns with an all new episode. CSI: Miami. Monday at 10/9c. Only on CBS." - Kevin Harlan

Tim Brando vying for the Crown of Snappy

Sure, Craig Bolerjack might have used the perfect play on a name for Purdue coach Matt Painter, but that was nothing compared to Tim Brando’s Friday afternoon in Tampa Bay.  He got a ton of mileage out of Drake guard Josh Young:

"Only the Young survive!"

"It's great to be Young and outstanding!"

"It was Young and the restless, now it's Young and the relentless."

Lest we forget San Diego guards Brandon Johnson and Trumaine Johnson

"Johnson and Johnson."

To close out the weekend, Brando mixed some holiday lore into his call of the games:

"A little bunny hop on Easter Sunday."

When the one major “flaw” in the broadcast of an event the magnitude of the NCAA Tournament is a hearty dose of snappiness, it’s safe to say that things are going pretty good.

Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of the sports humor site, JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Patrick Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com