Stool Samples

When TBS executives were interviewing potential applicants for the position of chief analyst on their newly formed studio show for the MLB Playoffs, we figure they asked some pretty standard questions:

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

What attributes do you think would make you a good choice for this position?

Are you prepared or the media to compare you to Charles Barkley and inevitably determine that you’re not as good as him?

Sure, you may not hear that last one when you’re interviewing for the assistant manager job at your local version of Initech, but we’re pretty certain it’s commonplace in the sports announcing industry. And if not, then it certainly should be.  

It has become standard operating procedure for networks to try and duplicate the success of TNT’s NBA show by trying to find their own version of the outspoken, entertaining Round Mound of Rebound.  In turn, it has also become standard operating procedure for media critics to criticize every studio analyst for not being Charles Barkley.  

TBS took it a step further when they brought in Barkley’s co-host on TNT, Ernie Johnson to host the playoff baseball show.  That meant that whoever sat in the two seats next to him were automatically going to be viewed as Kenny Smith and Charles Barkley wannabes.  

In this case it was Cal Ripken Jr. and Frank Thomas getting the nod in studio.  And Richard Sandomir of the New York Times was right on cue in the newsroom:

"Someone at Turner Sports must have forgotten the reasons for the success of TNT’s “Inside the NBA” when it cast Frank Thomas and Cal Ripken Jr. as the analysts for TBS’s postseason baseball show. Turner’s problem is not entirely rooted in failing to find a dominant personality with any two of Charles Barkley’s principal assets — animation, quotability, energy and unpredictability — but in failing to hire compelling talent."

We’ve said it before and we’ll say it again – Charles Barkley is one of a kind.  The most bankable way to not find a Charles Barkley is to actively try to find a Charles Barkley.   Meanwhile, the media will continue to hammer anyone who is not Barkley, meaning the networks will continue to look for someone who is Barkley and this most predictable dance will continue to go on.  

Crap that actually came from somebody's mouth

"NOW, PUMP UP THE VOLUME AND RIP THE KNOB OFF!” - Steve Levy

It’s unconfirmed that Levy screams this while drinking Busch Beer and DJ-ing the SportsCenter post-show parties.
____

"I think they're offensive line is playing better than any offensive line in the National Football League.  This is a complete football team.  Defensively, they're the smartest defense in the National Football League." - Mark Schlereth on the Patriots

Nothing wrong with this statement: we just thoroughly enjoy the passion and dialect Mark Schlereth brings to the table every week.
____

"As (soon) as the Packers get their running game, this will be a great football team.  But until they do that they'll just be a good football team and only good football teams can not offset all those turnovers." - Merril Hoge

So, that means the great teams AND the bad teams can offset the turnovers?  We’re confused.  
____

"He's like the Scarecrow.  He wanted to get courage while I wasn't looking and hit me in my knee... instead of hitting me in my head."  - Travis Johnson, Texans DT, on Trent Green

It was the Cowardly Lion who sought courage, Travis.  Looks like you could use a brain, just like that Scarecrow (*boo-yah*).
_____

"(The Packers) are America's darlings and we sat there and watched our darlings turn into pumpkins.  That 2-minute offense was the most miserable I've ever seen.  I'm ashamed to know Brett Favre for that." - Woody Paige

It’s almost as if the media is dating Brett Favre in their heads.
_____

"I feel this was a season saving win, I'm not ready to say season-changing." - Michael Smith on the Bears win over Green Bay

Don’t look here for answers.  We’re as lost as you.
_____

"I think (the Colts are) the better team, but as far as who's been the most impressive, it's the New England Patriots." - Michael Smith

The previous rebuttal also applies here.
____

"Marion Barber, we will see him in on 3rd downsituations, we could see him in on regular down situations, also in goal line situations if the Cowboys get in that type ofsituation so at the end of the day, Marion Barber is a player that can make plays for your ball club." - Emmitt Smith

It seems to us that regardless of the situation, Fernando Vina has been transposed into Emmitt Smith’s body.
_____

"Chris Long, DE, Virginia (6-4, 282) - A 3-4 defensive end with great bloodlines who understands leverage and uses his hands as well as any D-lineman in the country." – Mel Kiper

For the record, we think there is a really good chance that Mel Kiper believes football players are bred the same way as thoroughbreds.

_____

"But if Ripken were cast as the only sane man in the studio — in the mold of Fox’s Howie Long — then he needs an ally or two who can loosen him up and raise his decibel level. Thomas is not that guy. Very few are, which is why many studio shows struggle until they find a Shannon Sharpe." – Richard Sandomir, New York Times

Let that serve as a heads up for all aspiring studio analysts who have lisps so strong that people can only understand 35% of what they say – polish your resumes, because it’s only a matter of time before the networks come calling. 

NFL Countdown Sets Record for All Time Low Decibel Level

With no Michael Irvin, ESPN NFL Countdown has proved to be a much quieter, enjoyable experience this year.  Irvin’s arrogant replacement, Keyshawn Johnson, has been a pleasant surprise from our “perch” on the couch.  He isn’t afraid to call players or coaches out and unlike his retiree-counterpart Tiki Barber, we don’t get the feeling he does so with any agenda or for a show.    
 
In addition to Keyshawn’s mostly reasonable approach, we thoroughly enjoy watching and listening to Bill Parcells.  There’s a feeling you might actually learn something you previously didn’t know when he speaks and not surprisingly, Parcells is willing to call things the way he sees them.  We even think his presence on-set mellows Berman down a notch.  It’s just one of the reasons we wish Parcells was on Sunday mornings, too.

But kudos are in order for ESPN.  Not only is MNF improved with Jaws and no Theismann, the pregame shows have been better this year --- which means it’s only a matter of time before ESPN goes and ruins it by adding DL Hughley to the show.  

Media Rant - Déjà vu – Part I

As soon as the Yankees lost the ALDS to Cleveland, the green light was given to offer up preordained theories and opinions about why (and who) lost the Yankees the series.  Never mind that Jeter, Matsui and Posada all hit below .200 in the 4 games or that Jeter grounded into 3 double plays the last two games and Posada added two of his own: that doesn’t matter because, when it comes down to it, it’s A-Rod’s fault.
 
But as good friend Skip Bayless and Doug Stewart proved, it’s not even the facts that are getting in the way of flawed A-Rod arguments.

"The Yankees will never win a championship with such a mentally fragile guy as their highest paid player and the focus of their October expectation because (Alex Rodriguez) is incapable of carrying a team when it matters most in the postseason." - Skip Bayless on Alex Rodriguez

"Teams get better when (Alex Rodriguez) is not there because the chemistry is upgraded.  The Yankees in their heyday had guys like Jim Leyritz and Chuck Knoblauch and Paul O'Neill.  And at third base, a guy named Scott Brosius had 6 home runs in 98 in the postseason, batted .383, 15 RBI and he was making  $2 million a year.  So it doesn't matter about the money you make, it's all about chemistry and getting it done on the diamond." - Doug Stewart, host of “2 Live Stews”

Right.  A-Rod didn't get it done on the diamond this year.  The guy hit .314 with 54 homers and 156 RBI this year, will likely be the MVP, but he didn't get it done.  Never mind that if it weren't for him, the Yankees wouldn't even be in the playoffs to begin with.  It's tiresome to have to rebut things like these pieces of idiocy, because they will never go away. 

And anyone who argues or believes the Yankees are better off with Brosius or Leyritz in the lineup instead of A-Rod should be banned from speaking publicly about baseball forever.  They are literally saying it's not possible for the Yankees to win the World Series with A-Rod.  Of course, they also know that:

a. He may be gone after this year, so they can never be proved wrong.

b. Each year the Yankees have about a 1 in 8 chance of winning the World Series.

c. If A-Rod somehow WOULD win the World Series with the Yankees and hit .960 with 12 homers in the series, they could make up ANOTHER ludicrous theory like "Jeter rubbed him down before every game so he had the clutchness soaked into him."

d. If he would win the World Series, they won't lose their jobs (thanks to Top7 writer Jason Major for his efforts in rebutting the previous silliness).

Déjà vu Part II

Jay Mariotti on Tony Romo, after Week4:
 
"He has been the MVP thus far." 

Jay Mariotti on Tony Romo, after Week5:

“(Tony Romo) is still growing as a quarterback.  He’s not in the same league as a Tom Brady, a Peyton Manning.”

It’s almost as if Mariotti has amnesia and doesn’t remember the wave of hype and severe disappointment surrounding his city’s starting quarterback in 2006.

Does this mean Romo's no longer the “MVP”?  Oh for shame.

Stool Samples is written by the cofounders of the sports humor site JoeSportsFan.com, Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com