Stool Samples

If we were to carve a Mt. Rushmore featuring the most common targets in Stool Samples history, Chris Berman’s mug would no doubt be on it. 

His staunch refusal to give up the shtick that made him famous twenty years ago has worn on sports fans and transformed him from whacky sports guy into annoying, self-absorbed sports guy.

But before you think to yourself, “here comes another Berman bashing session” and click the back button, stay with us.  This time, we’re switching gears. 

Something dawned on us this Sunday night after the late round of Sunday afternoon NFL games drew to a close.  After wasting the first three hours of football engrossed in a depressing Rams loss, we had missed quite a bit of action throughout the league.  In years past, this would be no problem, for the 6:30 hour brought us the Sunday staple, NFL Primetime – a fast-paced, highlight dominated whirlwind that ensured that you were brought up to speed on the day’s action going into the Sunday Night game. 

Sure it had it’s fair share of Berman moments that made you want to hit the mute button – personally, we would cringe anytime Marshall Faulk highlights were cued up, due to exhausting “Marshall, Marshall, Marshall” routine – but all in all, it was a solid 60 minutes packed with frill-free highlights.  Exactly what it needed to be.

Last year NBC took over the Sunday Night duties and as part of the package, the NFL stripped ESPN of its ability to do the extended highlights show they had done since 1987.   In stepped NBC’s version with its futuristic set, self-absorbed name and 23 anchors providing a jumbled mess of pre and post game analysis, forced segments and ego. 

Instead of Berman and Tom Jackson, we get Bob Costas, Jerome Bettis, Chris Colinsworth, Tiki Barber, Peter King and Keith Olbermann.  Six people in studio when all fans want is some freaking highlights of the day’s games. 

A year later it’s as obvious as Tiki’s fake laugh, the loss of NFL Primetime has left a void that has not been adequately filled by Football Night in America.  Under normal circumstances, the consumer would be able to determine the better show by ignoring the other. 

But these aren’t normal circumstances.  This is the NFL.  They see it as perfectly reasonable to dictate what show fans get to watch based on who pays them the most money. 
……

Whew.  We blacked out there for a minute.  Did we actually just write 400 words in support of a Chris Berman show?

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
"When Terrence Newman is out, the Cowboys kind of lose 3 guys." - John Madden

All we can say is that we firmly believe Madden believes this to be true.
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“Today’s Yankees loss was damaging in that they would like to win the division because that would ensure that the Red Sox would not end up with the best overall record.” – Steve Phillips
 
We’d like to poke fun at this Madden-esque obvious statement but we can’t, for the simple point that it’s the most factually-based Phillips statement we’ve ever documented.
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“When it comes to fourth-quarter comebacks, perhaps (Jay) Cutler will be Tiger to Elway's Golden Bear.” – Mike Klis, Denver Post
 
Or perhaps Klis should give it another 10, maybe 15 years from basing an entire column on something so ridiculous.  Or maybe even like 2 years.  
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”This is how you know "The Greatest Show on Turf" is six feet under: Rams quarterback Marc Bulger completed 17 of 26 passes against Tampa Bay for 116 yards. Former Rams receiver Kevin Curtis had more yards receiving (132) in one quarter Sunday than the Rams did the entire game.” – Clark Judge  

Another reason you know: it’s 2007, not 2001.  Also, Judge implies that Kevin Curtis was a part of those teams, even though he didn’t join the Rams until that magical 8-8 2004 season.

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"What was the Greatest Show on Turf needs a rehearsal." - Kenny Mayne      

Imagine if after every Marlins loss, announcers referenced the fact that this Marlins team is no longer as good as the ’03 champions.  It would get kind of annoying, no?
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"Favre still has the ability to will his team to victory, which is exactly what he did in leading the Packers to a 31-24 win over the San Diego Chargers." - Vic Carucci

Yes; it was the will of Favre (much it’s the will of Jeter for every past Yankees victory).  Green Bay’s Week 3 win had nothing to do with holding the ’07 MVP to 62 rushing yards or forcing an interception inside 2 minutes.  

Favre = Fun
Honestly, since we’ve been doing it for 4 years now, mocking the media’s coverage of Brett Favre isn’t something we yearn to do.  But it’s just so damn ridiculous that it can’t be ignored.  Case in point the fallout from Week 3…

”This is a team that is like the New Orleans Saints last year.  Everybody loves the Green Bay Packers.  Everybody loves Brett Favre.  You can see Brett, you can see the excitement, running into the end zone, jumping on the wide receivers.  He’s enjoying this year!”– Woody Paige

”The number one site in football thus far has been Brett Favre running down the field into the arms of his receivers.  It’s wonderful.  America loves that.  This team can play.  Brett Favre is back.  This guy has captured America.” – Bill Plaschke

“These young players are just grabbing a hold of what Favre’s energy level is, and they’re picking it up.” – Woody Paige

”Favre is rewriting NFL history, but the 37-year-old is still having fun doing it.” – Kansas City Star

"We all know that Brett Favre is a little kid." - Ron Jaworski

”You can't go against Favre.  I like Favre.  I like Favre right now.” – Brian Baldinger

“He’s having fun again... it’s kind of fun to watch.”– Chris Berman

“Brett Favre is going to be 38 October 10th.  October 10th should be a national holiday.” – Chris Berman

Reasons 856-858 why ESPN College Gameday is Great
Reason #856 – Within the crowd in Tuscaloosa, there were signs that read “Auburn players can’t read this” and “Auburn – about as cool as a fanny pack”

Reason #857 – Alabama wasn’t playing Auburn.  

Reason #858 – Lee Corso put on an elephant mascot head in front of a crowd of thousands. (and yes, we realize that in the picture below, Corso is wearing a Longhorn head, but let's face it, it's funny anytime Lee Corso wears a giant mascot costume.) 

Let’s Have a Conversation (sponsored by Charles Schwab)
PI: Josh, let’s have a conversation.

JB: Sounds good – I’m ready.
 
PI: I was watching snippets of the Notre Dame/Michigan State game Saturday, and noticed that during a break in the action, play-by-play man Tom Hammond asked Pat Haden to “have a conversation, brought to you by Charles Schwab.”  It was their Charles Schwab Conversation.
 
JB: So even conversations are being sponsored now? That’s not overkill at all. Remember last January when Jimmy Johnson was brought to us by Sam’s and MasterCard?  I’m officially declaring that I am being brought to you by Natural Light.  Why Natural Light?  Because it’s tasty.  
 
PI: I was a fan of the ESPN cross promotion with Pittsburgh Pirates highlights and Pirates of the Caribbean this past May on SportsCenter, and the single SC episode built around Live Free or Die Hard.  John McClain can sponsor me any day.  

JB brought to you by Natural Light: About the only thing left to sponsor is various body parts of sports personalities.  And if they start doing that, it might cause a bidding war to sponsor Brian Baldinger’s mangled pinky.  

 
PI brought to you by John McClain: Indeed; and hey, before I forgot, I wanted to remind you that if you have bathroom problems, you may have an enlarged prostate.  What you think is a going problem may actually be a growing problem and that’s why I recommend Avodart.  Side effects are usually mild and Avodart can attack the problem and fix it by shrinking your prostate.  Just thought I’d let you know.

Special thanks goes out to Charles Schwab for making this all possible