Stool Samples

It’s become a common theme to cast former athletes in reality TV shows.  Jose Canseco in The Surreal Life, Evander and Emmitt in Dancing with the Stars, Mark Philippoussis on Age of Love to name a few.  So it was no surprise when the new show about bull riding – Ty Murray’s Celebrity Bull Riding Challenge – debuted on CMT there was a notable former sports star in the mix. 

The cast includes such reality luminaries as Johnny Fairplay from Survivor, Stephen Baldwin, Vanilla Ice and Raghib Ismail.  Those of you thinking that “The Rocket” is the athlete we’re talking about obviously haven’t seen the show. 

Also straddling 1,800 lb bulls for ratings is none other than Dan Clark.  Who is Dan Clark?  You may know him by the name he used to kick ass with in American Gladiators – Nitro. 

Bulls may be able to toss a human around like a rag doll, but let’s see one dominate in Breakthrough and Conquer.  

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
"If (Roger Goodell) can negotiate a way for Vick to back away from the season and maybe still get paid, maybe that's the best solution...  You don't want to suspend a star like Michael Vick." - Tony Kornheiser 

ESPN HQ 3 Months Ago: “Tony, now that Joe Theismann is gone from Monday Night Football, we’re going to need everyone to be a bit more moronic. You up for it?”
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”You had that 16 yard run in the 1st quarter, is that the kind of thing you expect to do this season?” – Sal Paolantonio to Willis McGahee

McGahee responds, “Nope.  I intend to run backwards most of the time… whatever it takes to help my team lose.”

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"Offensive coordinator Mike Martz can't stop talking about how fast (Tatum Bell) is." - Bob Holtzman

As natives of St. Louis, we’re not the least bit surprised at this news.  And we’ll go out on a limb and say Martz will continue to be blinded by Bell’s speed while Jon Kitna is on his back for the 56th sack of the season.  
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"If that is the case, Carson Palmer will be the MVP of the league!”- Sean Salisbury predicting what will happen if Carson Palmer completes 70-75% of his passes and Chad Johnson has 2,000 yards receiving.

So let us get this straight - if Carson Palmer posts a completion percentage that would equal Ken Anderson for the highest of all time and Chad Johnson tops Jerry Rice’s single season receiving yards record by over 100 yards, then Palmer might win the MVP?  Don’t let anyone tell you Salisbury doesn’t go out on a limb. 
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"We -- the SportsCenter management team -- thought (Who’s NOW) sounded like a fun way to actively involve our fans. We liked the idea of combining on- and off-the-field performance, and then we threw in a little pop culture, because we believe that is how people consume sports today. People don't pay attention to sports just 'between the lines.'"- Glenn Jacobs, senior coordinating producer

"We clearly went into this with the belief that a majority of our audience is interested in both on the field and off. I don't think there is just one person reading about Tom Brady's personal life in 'Us Weekly.' I think there are a large number of people who care about Tom Brady and Gisele [Bundchen]." - Glenn Jacobs

"The only thing that matters is what we believe will make people watch SportsCenter more often and longer. Our goal is to make SportsCenter better all the time, and the only way to do that is to take some risks." - Glenn Jacobs

You know; it really frightens us that one of the heads of ESPN’s flagship program believes Who’s NOW is what the people want.  We guess we shouldn’t be surprised, though, because for Jacobs, “people” means “those who aren’t hardcore sports fans because the hardcore sports fans are going to stay with us regardless of the crap we produce.”
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"I wish ESPN would consider adding to its lineup a crisp, half-hour, nightly news version of SportsCenter -- just news and highlights, without gimmicks or sponsored segments or recaps, without self- or cross-promotion, with a consistent anchor team accountable for a consistent tone, with spare to no use of instant commentary. A prime-time island of clean, clear, straightforward news on which ESPN's journalistic credibility could securely rest."- LeAnn Schreiber, ESPN Ombudsmen

We seriously love LeAnn Schreiber.  We wish she were our grandma.

By and Large, Thom Brennaman Says "By and Large" a Lot
In the bottom of the 8th inning in St. Louis a week ago Saturday afternoon, Fox’s #2 play-by-play man ushered in a meaningless phrase three times within the first 8 pitches:

"(The Cardinals) have not played good baseball, by and large, the entire year."

"The pitching struggling, by and large, all year long - except for the bullpen."

"Let's face it, the Cardinals, by and large, have dominated this Central Division since 1997."

Aside from our ears taking note during the telecast, we’ve found the phrase to be quite confusing upon re-reading these lines.  Seriously; who invented the phrase.  By and large, it’s completely unnecessary. 

Stool Samples Steel Cage Match:
Who Will Provide More Material for Stool Samples this year?
When it comes to football season, there are many media outlets that provide the type of commentary that make this column so easy to write.  But there are two that stand above the rest as pillars of nonsense within the football community – ESPN’s NFL Live and SI.com’s Monday Morning Quarterback by Peter King.  So which of these two dynamos will provide more material for the Samples this year? 

Imig and Bacott present cases for each…

PI: To be quite honest, I’m surprised anyone, let alone my Stool Samples colleague Josh Bacott, would argue that anyone will offer up more NFL crap that the show featuring Sean Salisbury.  Throw in the occasional Merril Hoge cameo and the hilariously-passionate-yet-obvious commentary from the Big Savvy Mark Schlereth, and you’ve got yourself an NFL recipe for a tasty batch of Stool Samples jambalaya. 

To illustrate my case, I turn your attention to two 30-minute NFL Live episodes from last week.  I’ve highlighted each category, which serves as a reason NFL Live can’t be topped – not even by the man who writes about his pooping problems.

Buddying Up with NFL People
If there’s one thing Sean Salisbury enjoys, it’s telling the people at home that he’s friends with important people:

"I love Jerry Jones.  I think the owner is great and the person is great!"
 
"We know about Ben Roethlisberger's last off-season.  I love the fact (he has more freedom at quarterback).  I trust Ben.  This isn't your daddy's Pittsburgh Steelers anymore!"

Anger
Hey Kansas City Chiefs, you’re to blame if Larry Johnson burns out too early in his career…

"IT'S THEIR FAULT FOR GIVING HIM THE BALL SO MANY TIMES!" – Sean Salisbury

"I don't think (Pac Man Jones) gets it!  He said, ‘what's he supposed to do, sit around his house and be miserable?’  YEAH!…If I was the Titans, I would have cut him!  And I'd give him something more miserable to think about all these months while he's trying to get back in the league!  I don't think he gets it at all!  CLUELESS!"– Sean Salisbury (we’re praying the “something more miserable to think about” has nothing to do with Salisbury’s cell phone)

FOOTBALL Buzzwords
"I want to see (the Bengals) play aggressive HARD NOSED football -- the kind that the AFC North is known for." - Mark Schlereth.

"That NFL Football right there, that's got its own life and its own life force." - Mark Schlereth

Failing to Heed Their Own Advice
"Jerry (Jones) sometimes speaks before he thinks like a lot of us do." - Sean Salisbury

"I think Terrell Owens could go down as one of the great receivers in the history of this league if he would take care of his business and again, basically not let that mouth get in front of that brain."- Mark Schlereth

…and then this happens...

"The only difference between Jerry Jones, Muhammad Ali and Terrell Owens - Terrell's a great athlete, runs, does it all, great competitor - is that those guys got championships.  Muhammad Ali was a world champion, and so was Jerry Jones." – Sean Salisbury

NFL Live is thirty glorious minutes of Stool Samples fun. 

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JB: I’ll concede that NFL Live carries a Season Pass on my Tivo for the very reasons you described above, however NFL writer extraordinaire Peter King has been able to take what NFL Live does in a week full of shows and condense it into one glorious seven-page column.  Take a look at this week’s column and observe his technique at delivering his vast pigskin knowledge to the masses…

Innate Football Acumen
On Adam Carriker and Brian Leonard

“If both players work out, that's an outstanding first- and second-round combo platter for the Rams.”

I’d hate to burst your bubble kids, but football acumen like this can’t be taught in journalism school. 

The Ability to Completely Ignore What He Wrote Five Paragraphs Ago
“I have no interest whatsoever in Pacman Jones and that baseball player of some repute who hit a ball over a fence on the West Coast the other night. I will be paying little attention to either of them -- particularly Pacman, until the day he comes to his senses and begins behaving like a regular human being.”

And we all know the best way to pay little attention to a story...write about it a few pages later…

“I think I could not be more sick of a topic than of Pacman Jones. Look, he's an idiot who can't grasp the seriousness of his predicament -- the likelihood that someday soon he'll go to jail for something and blame everyone else except himself. I got sick of the coverage this week. The ESPN interview by Dana Jacobson the other day was very well done. The deconstructing of it for days was maddening…”

Occasional Good Comments
“I think we can't write enough or say enough about how disgraceful it is that the NFL charges regular-season prices for these preseason games.”

We agree completely.

Ability to Take On All Forms of Media
“Very often, camp is boring, tedious and full of drills you can't watch for very long or you'll go crazy. If the show(HBO’s Hard Knocks) is to be the real story of training camp, it must point out -- not just in flashes but in minutes -- what really happens at camp, which is often extraordinarily humdrum.”

Hard Knocks producers are kicking themselves right now because they weren’t the ones who thought of making the show more realistic by making it more boring. 

Loads of Information that has No Business in a Football Column
“Northwest Airlines serves Cherry Garcia ice cream and Tillamook cheddar cheese in first class. (Gotta love the perks of being a Continental silver elite flyer, and having their program share flyer programs with Northwest.)”

Savvy Predictions
“I think I'm re-thinking my June Indy-New Orleans Super Bowl pick. I didn't say "changing'' or "chickening out.'' I said "re-thinking.''

Re-thinking your Super Bowl pick before a regular season snap is about as stupid as going on the record with a Super Bowl pick before a regular season snap. 

And that’s why we love MMQB.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig, cofounders of the sports humor site JoeSportsFan.com.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com