Stool Samples

It took until the midway point of the NBA Finals, but somebody finally said it.  Someone finally stood up in the haze of the nonsensical mainstream media and offered up his services as “voice of reason”.  Even though he doesn’t have the “legitimate mainstream media credentials”, he said it live on Rome is Burning.  

His name is Jalen Rose, and even though he once accepted the role of “feature reporter” for Best Damn Sports Show Period, we’re willing to absolve of him any previous or future wrong-doings in the field of television media.  

Two weeks ago Monday, Rose took a stand for original thought when he refuted the notion held by Rome and countless other media clowns that LeBron James is the new answer to Michael Jordan:  

”There’s not a next Mike, people. So, retire that statement.  There will never be another Magic.  There will never be another Mike.  There will never be another Larry.  There will never be another Wilt.  Those players are timeless.  Let (LeBron) be the first LeBron.”

On behalf of clear-thinking sports fans around the world, we thank Jalen Rose for his commentary.  It’s our hope that should he ever return to Best Damn Sports Show Period, he’ll be the only Rose on set (zing).  

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

“Everyone wants (LeBron James) to be the next big thing.  Everyone wants him to be Michael Jordan.” – Jim Rome

No Jim; only morons looking to fill air time “want” that.

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“(Harold) Reynolds will also interact with fans via weekly online chats and through his blog, giving MLB.com users unprecedented, round-the-clock access to one of baseball's most knowledgeable and popular personalities.”– MLB Press Release on Harold Reynolds joining MLB.com

We feel we’ve done our share to remind the sporting world what kind of analysis Harold Reynolds brought to the table on a regular basis.  We’ll just simply say it’s amazing what qualifies one as being considered “knowledgeable” in today’s media.

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“And, in one of the enduring mysteries of TV sports, one can't guess why ESPN keeps using Chris Berman on its NBC-produced early-round Open coverage.” – Michael Hiestand, USA Today

Allow us to throw out a theory on this.  We tend to think that someone at ESPN by the name of Chris Berman, is adamant that Chris Berman is involved in the coverage.

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“A lot of people are criticizing Sosa in the same way they criticized McGwire. That is clearly guilt by association, as he's never flunked a drug test and has never been rumored to take steroids.  The other thing to consider is this: Why would a player who is on steroids cork his bat?  Players who use steroids believe the drugs give them an advantafe (sic) and they're somewhat invincible. Players on steroids do not cork their bats in my opinion.” – Steve Phillips, ESPN

There you go, MLBers.  If you want to avoid being accused of using steroids, just cork your bat.  If you do that, we can pretty much rule you out that you’d be willing to take steroids.  After all, it’s not like you’ve established that you’re willing to cheat or anything.

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“In order to separate themselves from the rest of the NL West, (San Diego) will have to add a power bat. I'm not big on Adam Dunn being the kind of difference maker the Padres need. Ideally, they would be better served with somebody who makes more consistent contact, drives in runs, but with productive outs and helps rallies continue. Adam Dunn can take a walk and hit a home run, but the rest of his at-bats bring the game to a stop.”– Steve Phillips

We can just imagine Pads GM Kevin Towers on the phone with Cincinnati GM Wayne Krivsky... at least how it goes in Phillips’ head:

Towers – “We need a power bat, do you have anything available?”

Krivsky – “I got Dunn, he’ll hit you a bunch of homeruns and he walks a lot.”

Towers – “Homeruns and walks?  I said I wanted power, not someone who brings the game to a stop. No wonder you guys are in last, you think this game is won by people getting on base and hitting homeruns. Idiot.”

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"The U.S. will never have dealt with an athlete who has had this kind of international impact.  Tiger Woods has that international appeal but, with due respect to Woods and Michael Jordan, David Beckham is at an entirely different level.'' – Alexi Lalas

He’s right you know.  [\sarcasm] Sure we’ve had Tiger and Michael Jordan and even Muhammad Ali, but American sports, especially soccer (ahem, Pele), has never ever brought an international superstar player (ahem, Pele) into the league at the tail end of their career (ahem, Pele) that is known throughout the world in hopes that said player (ahem, Pele)will help revive the league.  Never happened. [sarcasm/]

Fun with Dot-Com Headlines

"Matt Mosley serves up some Morning Hash, including notes about Daunte Culpepper and Calvin Johnson." - ESPN.com

Note to ESPN online medium: in the future, you may want to avoid the term “serve up some hash”. Especially around NFL players.

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"Dumars: Saunders is safe, so are players." -Foxsports.com

”They’re hiding out in a bunker beneath Rasheed Wallace’s house, so everything’s cool.”

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"Could Becks escape from L.A.?  | Agent: No" - Foxsports.com

You would have zero reason to click on the first headline about David Beckham leaving Los Angeles since, you know, the link right next to it pretty much answers the question. Brilliant execution headline guys.

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“Pentagon confirms it sought to build a ‘Gay Bomb’.” – CBS 5 San Francisco

There are no words to describe the collective reactions of the Stool Samples crew upon reading that headline.  For the record, it’s a 100% true story.

Siragusa Lured Us into his Man Cave

Earlier this summer, we documented Mark Schlereth’s budding role as Guiding Light guest star, Detective Roc Hoover.  As it turns out, Schlereth isn’t the only former NFL lineman making a foray into the land of Hollywood. 

On the defensive side of the ball, former Colts and Ravens tackle and current FOX sideline “reporter” Tony Siragusa is co-hosting the brand new “Man Caves” show on the Do It Yourself Network (DIY).  After watching two commercials for the program, Stool Samples staffers were a bit freaked out by the concept of Tony Siragusa hanging out in a cave, but it turns out that, well, we’ll just let you read the TV Guide description:

Tony joins the team on DIY's Man Caves to deliver a roomful of high-energy enthusiasm and know-how with host Jason Cameron… Every guy needs a space to call his own… a sanctuary where boys can be boys, where life essentials include a wet bar, a poker table and a place to watch the game with the fellas. And maybe even an indoor putting green! DIY Network’s Jason Cameron is joined by football great Tony “The Goose” Siragusa to offer ideas and do-it-yourself instruction to turn a basic basement into the ultimate guys’ hangout.

We aren’t too privy to the idea of watching a show telling us how to create the “ultimate hangout room” simply because owning a couch usually does the trick for us.  We’ll also admit to being freaked out by the concept of creating “the media cave” as described on the DIY site, because use of the words “media” and “cave” conjures up images of being trapped in a dark place with Chris Berman.

Brett Hull Gone from NBC?

Two weeks ago on JoeSportsFan.com, we commended NBC for allowing Brett Hull and Don Cherry the freedom to be themselves during the Game 3 telecast of the Stanley Cup Finals:

Do they put on a show?  Sure they do, but unlike others in the business (we’re staring at you Skip Bayless) we don’t get the feeling that it’s all according to a script written up by the producers.  While it took its lumps from Cherry, the NHL may have stumbled onto a desperately needed bright spot.  Let’s see if they’re smart enough to keep it together.

According to the Vancouver Sun, the NHL and NBC aren’t smart enough to keep it together (shocking).  The newspaper dropped a quick bit via a local radio station: “Ray Ferraro, who should know, tells Team 1040 that Brett Hull's short-lived career as a hockey analyst with NBC is over.”

Assuming this news true and Hull didn’t opt out to pursue other interests, we’re really at a loss to describe the stupidity of NBC and the NHL.  Why keep around a good thing – or at the very least, something that got people talking about the NHL again… something the playoffs couldn’t do on their own.

Schaap Inserted as defensive replacement for Pedro Gomez

For 3 years, Pedro Gomez has lurked in the shadow of Barry Bonds.  Every move Bonds made, Pedro reported it.  So, needless to say, it was a bit disheartening to watch a Jeremy Schaap report on Bonds' 748th home run 10 days ago in Gomez’s spot.

Just as Bonds gets closer to the all time home run record, ESPN has decided they want their all-star reporter to cover the story. 

We can't confirm this, but we're assuming Pedro is currently on suicide watch in his tree-house located in Barry Bonds’ front yard.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them at info@joesportsfan.com