Stool Samples

If there’s one thing daytime and primetime television have been lacking the past few years, it’s the impact a washed up, retired pro athlete brings to the screen.   Thankfully, our leaders in broadcast entertainment have pulled their heads from their proverbial hineys and realized it’s what creates quality television.
 
As an example, last Wednesday night, John McEnroe guest starred on CSI: NY as a loudmouthed former tennis champ name John McEnroe.  McEnroe was the prime suspect in a murder investigation.  Let CBS’ uber-suspenseful teaser wet your appetite for crime-dramas featuring a guy who used to host a show called “The Chair”: 

The CSIs are puzzled when evidence and witnesses point to John McEnroe as their murder suspect despite his air-tight alibi, and as Mac's investigation causes a political firestorm, the team worries he'll be dismissed when they are asked to testify, on CSI: NY. 

We only caught glimpses of the episode, but if his one-time CNBC talk show is any indication, McEnroe tore the set down (out of suckitude, not quality acting).  Cynicism aside, our lone gripe is that McEnroe appeared on the NY version of CSI instead of Miami and its crime fighting genius Horatio Cane, where we could have heard lines like this…

“No ace will save you this time John.  When I get through with you, you’ll be locked up: game, set, match.”
 
In what has the potential to be more entertaining than those hypothetical scenes, Stool Samples favorite, the Big Savvy, Mark Schlereth, will be guest starring as a detective in various episodes of the daytime soap opera “Guiding Light” (starting June 14th).  

Taken straight out of Cinemax’s Late-Night Soft Core Encyclopedia of Film Names, Schlereth’s stage name will be “Roc Hoover”.  Yeah, that’s right baby; Roc Hoover.  Picturing Schlereth responding to Roc Hoover on daytime soap is funny enough, but learning he was nervous during the filming makes it even better. 

We can only imagine what was going through Roc’s, errrr, Schlereth’s head when he heard the director yell the word “ACTION!”…

“Okay. Settle down and just execute.  Bear down and execute.  All we need to do is execute the lines and the acting will be executed.  Execution is the key to this role. You’re an actor. Actors act.”

Needless to say, we’re on pins and needles awaiting the debut of the newest crime fighting soap star. To his credit, he and Trey Wingo were able to have a little fun with the whole thing on Tuesday’s NFL Live.  Something tells us if Salisbury was playing Roc Hoover, he’d be deathly serious about it.      

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“I personally would take a twentysomething athlete who frequents strip clubs (though I don’t condone it) over an older radio broadcaster who spews racism and sexism on national airwaves.” – Stu Scott, responding to getting called out on his previous comments about taking Pacman Jones’ indiscretions over Don Imus’.

It’s almost as if Stu just completely ignores the fact that Pacman Jones has been arrested five times and questioned by police ten times in under two years. Nope, the guy just likes strip clubs, that’s all. 
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"It's really not surprising, but why would he say it now? I'm pretty sure you guys asked him that question before." – Terrell Owens on Bill Parcells’ comments about “doing the best he could with TO”.

We can think of one reason – Parcells knew he had a sociopath wide receiver who would start holding press conferences in his driveway and faking drug overdoses the minute he smelled controversy.   
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“Tiger Woods and I have something in common: He just got a tuneup of his original LASIK procedure. I'll get said tuneup in June.” – Peter King

We’re excited to hear the details later on this summer considering it’s been over a year since Petey detailed the trauma of his personal pooping problems.  This procedure should be a much more smooth, comfortable tale.
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”If I’m LeBron James, I’m throwing it down (to show) maybe I am the next Jordan."– Jay Mariotti

Perhaps LeBron James chose not to take the game winning shot because he thought a wide open three point attempt by a guy who caught fire the previous round would give his team the best chance to win.  Also, we’re going to go out on a limb and say LeBron doesn’t give two shits about being the “next MJ” seeing as the only people who seem to care are people like Mariotti. 

And what about Jordan?  We recall him dishing to John Paxson and Steve Kerr for game/series/championship clinching shots. 
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"When (Jordan) found Paxson, he already had 2 rings.  He was established.” – Jay Mariotti

See now you’re just trying to argue for the sake of arguing, Jay.  Is that to say LeBron should only be unselfish and pass the ball after he’s won a couple of titles?
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”(Michael Jordan) established himself before he was unselfish.  This could be the chink in (LeBron’s) armor (not taking the shot).  This, I think, is a big black mark against LeBron James.” – Bill Plaschke

So there are some legs to Mariotti's theory, eh?  Apparently you can't be an uselfish superstar until you've won championships.

Seeing as we’re having an argument with Jay and Bill, we’re thinking this is a stupid conversation and that’s why it’s over.
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Hunk of Meat Still atop Rob Dibble’s Neck
Good to see Foxsports.com’s resident meathead shift into mid-season, all star form with some insight on baseball’s hot-button issues.  You might have been wondering what Dibble thinks of Commissioner Bud Selig’s potential no-show of the Barry Bonds home run record breaker celebration.  If so, consider yourself lucky:

“Guys like Ozzie Smith, who never say anything controversial, are now speaking out saying the Commissioner has to be there... If Ozzie Smith, who is one of the most likable Hall of Famers of all time, speaks out about the commissioner, you have to listen.”

We have no gripes about listening to the opinion of a Hall of Famer, but to say Ozzie Smith doesn't say anything controversial is like saying John Amaechi doesn't like men.  Let’s move on to another controversial figure: Sammy Sosa…

“I love Sammy Sosa.  He’s one of the more likable guys of all time.”

Of all time, Rob?  Really? 

If you’re having a summer BBQ for your “most likable”, then we’ll assume Ozzie and Sammy will be in line at the buffet right behind Rafael Palmeiro, Roger Clemens, Mark McGwire and Pete Rose. 

One final question, Rob: what do you take from all the talk of steroids constantly surrounding Major League Baseball?

”It’s baseball.  He’s hitting a little white ball.  He’s hitting it over the fence.   There’s kids dying in other countries for our freedoms.  It’s not to that extent - people are missing the big picture here.  It’s baseball, it’s a game; it’s played for entertainment value.  Let’s keep it as such.”

Right on, Rob.  Baseball is just a game, so let’s not question people’s ethics nor analyze the game since U.S. soldiers are dying.  In fact, let’s do away with celebrations and awards for all sports.  Why should people care Ryan Howard won the MVP last year when there is violence all over the world?  In fact, let's quite broadcasting games since there are more important things going on across the globe.

Media Rant – Reaction to the NBA Final Four
If nothing else, the sports media is predictable.  After the underdog Warriors were relinquished by the Jazz and Phoenix was dumped by San Antonio in the conference semi-finals, our online media friends resorted to the old reliable “this is boring” theme. 

Writers all across the Internets voiced their displeasure and disproval.  Leading off, we have the veteran, ESPN.com’s Gene Wojciechowski

"This is going to come out the wrong way -- we get Game 1 of the Western Conference finals with the Utah Jazz. Nothing wrong with that, except that the Spurs-Suns got jobbed. We all did. In fact, I could have watched these two teams play a best-of-17 series."

To argue the NBA’s seeding needs a change is acceptable, but Gene loses any shred of credibility with that whole “17 game series” thing (and yes, we realize he's speaking in jest). 

Over at Foxsports.com, The Dime Mag Blog summed up the negativity of the online world very nicely:

"Your conference finals are set: Spurs/Jazz on one side, Pistons/Cavs on the other. Or as some would put it, LeBron vs. Where Did All The Superstars Go?"

An interesting take, considering the Pistons have become basketball’s version of the New England Patriots in the category of consistency, the Spurs have arguably the best big man in the NBA (more on him in a second), the media-proclaimed “King” in LeBron James is in his first Finals, and a young Utah Jazz team is the NBA's answer to a 21st Century NCAA all star team.
And in this era of "storyline"-starved media, Jazz guard Derek Fisher is playing with a heavy heart after his daughter had eye surgery to remove cancer. 

Dime Mag also failed to do any favors for their sentiments later in the piece, when it unintentionally acknowledged the conference finals as having 2 of the best back courts in the NBA:

"Manu went for 33 points, while Tony Parker dropped 30. Are they the best backcourt in the League? What about Chauncey and Rip?"

Where did all the stars go?  If being the top guard tandem in the league doesn’t acquire “superstar status”, then what does?  Should both tandems scream, yell and receive technical fouls every game, or is that too "boring"? 

[segue]

Our final negative piece was concocted by the one and only Michael Ventre, who devoted 1,000+ words to discussing how Tim Duncan is boring:

"I wonder how Tim Duncan feels about being looked upon as dull. I can’t tell him how to feel, of course. But if it were me, I think I would embrace it."

Trust us, Michael.  You can start embracing it.

"If (Tim Duncan) is slightly off his game, as he was last season, then the dullness isn’t discussed, because Duncan isn’t discussed. If he’s playing like a boring man possessed, like he has been lately, then people the world over fixate on his dullness."

Ironic in the sense that the people discussing the boredom of Duncan are Ventre and his fellow media members.

"Once again, Duncan is duller than ever — and the Spurs couldn’t be happier.  Duncan seemed uncomfortable with the attention (regarding the Joey Crawford "fight"), as most boring men would."

This coming from a man speaking from experience.

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them @ info@joesportsfan.com