Stool Samples

Following the play in Super Bowl XLI, we present to you this edition of Stool Samples.  Much like the first quarter of XLI, this column contains a little bit of everything.  Basketball hippies, tennis references, hockey analysts staring at each other, golf-speak, your usual mix of crap from our friends in the football media, and the eulogizing of a dead horse all make their presence known in the following 1,000 words.

We will attempt to return to a state of normalcy within the next two weeks.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth

Nobody is talking about (the Suns) as one of the greatest ever." - Bill Walton
 
The strangest part of this quote – aside from the fact that Bill Walton believes the Suns should be considered one of the greatest ever even though they haven’t won an NBA title – is the fact that when he said it, he was high as a kite and talking to his stuffed monkey. 
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"I wish (Roger) Federer was American." - Bryan Burwell, St. Louis Post-Dispatch

We think we know what Burwell is trying to say, that sports fans in this country would care more about Federer if he was American.  But you’d think a veteran of his “stature” wouldn’t say it with such political incorrectness.
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"I think he's committed to winning." - Tim Cowlishaw on Tiger Woods
 
Typically Cowlishaw requires a player to win 10 straight PGA tournaments to concede that they’re committed to winning, but this time he just has a hunch. 
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"Replacing Lanny Wadkins with (Nick) Faldo makes CBS saucier." - Michael Heistand, USA Today
 
Faldo may be a better analyst than Wadkins, but his making CBS ‘saucier’ is up for debate.  Probably because we have no idea what “saucier” means.
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"Have we heard anything about services for Barbaro?" – Robert Flores, ESPN News
 
Jesus, this is starting to resemble the Saved by the Bell episode where Slater’s lizard Artie died.
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Hull Breaks Ferraro’s Nose with Wicked Verbal Slapper
As part of the NHL on NBC’s weekend coverage, it’s not uncommon for the in-studio talent to take it to Rockefeller Center, lace up their ice skates, and perform demonstrations on the outdoor ice rink.  It’s their version of the mock field demonstration, and looks more ridiculous than the football and baseball alternatives (as you could imagine).

To bring viewers another element of “closer to the game”, the show has an in-studio segment titled “Off with the Gloves”, in which analysts Ray Ferraro and Brett Hull go toe to toe on some of the hot button issues in the NHL.  That of course means they both have to force an argument and aren’t allowed to agree on a topic.  The segment is made a bit more awkward when viewers have no choice but to watch Hull and Ferraro standing up close and face to face.

Apparently sitting behind a desk to have a phony debate is no longer a viable option.

Barbaro Coverage Euthanized
In the wake (no pun intended) of Barbaro’s permanent slumber, comes a feeling of calm that finally, the coverage of the horse has ceased.  As a way to encapsulate all the media has taught us through its ridiculous coverage, let’s hand it over to Jeremy Schaap.   
 
”He will live in the memories of millions.

"In his moment of anguish, Barbaro touched a nation… he was beautiful, swift, and invincible."

"He leaves no offspring but his legacy is clear."

"More than anything else, he was a horse who affirmed our humanity."
 
Thank you, Jeremy.  We couldn’t have said it any better

Media Rant – Crappy Quarterback Performances at the Super Bowl
The title above would insinuate a nice bashing from the Stool Samples crew for the ever unpopular Rex Grossman.  And while we’re strictly a media column, we would have no problems counting all the ways Grossman ruined any chance of a Bears Super Bowl win.

But since that’s already been done by nearly all of our mainstream friends, we turn our attention to the quarterbacks of the media, mainly CBS’ Phil Simms and close personal friend of the ‘Stool, Senor Angry Sean Salisbury.  Rather than discuss what makes them suck (read: obvious comments sprinkled with arrogance, anger, volume etc.), we’ll just go straight to the highlights. 

Phil, give us some insight regarding the maturation of the Bears defense containing the Colts offense…

”Something the Bears learned from 2 years ago when they played the Colts, get up the field to stop the runs.”

Hmm, yeah; we guess it would be accurate to say getting up the field to stop the run is important.  But you’d think the Bears, in all their wisdom would have realized stopping the run against ALL teams is important.   Anyway Phil, let’s go to the replay of a 6 yard run by Joseph Addai.  What was that?

”The Colts like to run what I call a stretch play.”

Yes; everyone watching at home is a moron and believes that Phil Simms coined the run that became a hallmark of the Colts rushing attack.  Phil calls it a stretch play, and nobody else.   Come on Simms, give us something.  Anything that won’t make us shake our heads.

”You don’t think as well when you’re tired.”

Uh huh; and that explains why everyone in America has trouble thinking when listening to Phil and his snappy partner, Jim Nantz.  Well, that concludes our Phil Simms presentation for the evening.  Let’s all give him a warm, Barstool ovation. 

Very good.  It’s now time for Senor Angry to talk about a monkey and Peyton Manning’s na-na spot. 

“Well the monkey fell down to his waist after last (week)… still hanging on a little bit but now it’s completely gone.”

For someone who ‘allegedly’ took a picture of his penis with is cell phone, you’d think Sean would be a little more careful when talking about Peyton Manning and a monkey. 

”I am so proud of (Tony) and Lovie.”

The thrill of reaching their first Super Bowl must pale in comparison to knowing mainstream media members will offer verbal fellatio on command. 

Our final quarterback isn’t actually a quarterback in the truest sense of the word, but he is author of SI’s MMQB column, and truly enjoys namedropping.  Ladies and Gentlemen, you know him quite well… Peter King.

"So,'' I said to Peyton Manning as he walked out of Dolphin Stadium a few minutes after midnight this morning, "they can't say you can't do it anymore, can they?''

Woe.  You said that to Peyton?  You must be tight with him.  Hell, you’re probably tight with the whole Manning family, aren’t you?

”Spent some time on Friday night with Archie, Cooper and Eli Manning. What a good family. Ever been with Cooper? I mean, I thought he was going to put a lampshade on his head at any moment.”

See there?  We knew we were on to you, Peter.  You’re best friends with pretty much everyone in football.  

And Just For Good Measure…
Former 49ers quarterback Steve Young wasn’t going to let a whole issue of Stool Samples go by without a clever joke about the rain in Miami

”Noah is going to come at any time now!”

Maybe it’s a good thing the football media is going away for a few months. 

Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig.  They swear this stuff is real.  Email them @ info@joesportsfan.com