Stool Samples
If there’s one thing the NFL media has never really gotten a firm grasp on, it’s how to attack the fantasy football phenomenon.
It’s become so big that the networks can’t ignore it, but clearly the producers of these shows as well as the on air talent don’t play fantasy football and have no idea what appeals to those who do. The end result is a sometimes annoying, sometimes unintentionally entertaining mix of information and fantasy “advice” that is nearly as irrelevant as Terry Bradshaw.
Take Fox’s “2 Minute Drill” as an example. Minutes before affiliates are switched over to their regional coverage, Fox’s booth takes a quick spin around the league where the color analysts offer up some last minute info and also provide the audience with their “fantasy pick of the day”.
This is where ex-football players - who likely consider fantasy football a game by and for pansies who couldn’t play real football - access their reservoir of football acumen to hand out insider advice for team owners across the land.
Inevitably, the “picks of the week” jockey between the incredibly obvious to the incredibly dumb.
Last week’s angled towards “incredibly obvious” as analysts selected the following players as solid fantasy plays this week:
Tom Brady
Steven Jackson
Frank Gore
To recap: for you fantasy owners out there waffling about starting the running backs with the third (Gore) and sixth (Jackson) most yardage in the league or if you were on the fence about starting the quarterback with the third most touchdown passes and sixth most yardage, Fox says you should be probably be starting them. If you weren’t already, then the rest of your league thanks you for the money you contributed and sincerely hopes that you come back to play again next year.
What would us fantasy nerds do without the networks’ advice?
Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
“Brett Favre made those plays his rookie year and he’s still making them today… There’s something about those plays that tells you about his personality.”- John Madden describing Jay Cutler’s desire to compete after tossing an interception that was returned for a touchdown
So in essence, those who force interceptions are doing so out of shear desire to win and compete at the highest level. If Cutler can continue that, he’ll be revered in the pantheon of NFL gunslingers Jake Delhomme, Brett Favre, and Rex Grossman. Pay attention quarterbacks across the league: if you want to show your competitive fire, you best force balls into triple coverage and throw passes up for grabs while falling down.
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“You can disguise Green Bay's problems by saying Brett Favre is playing like he's 64 if you want. But you'd be delusional if you did.” – Peter King
Yes, Peter, the people who think that Brett Favre is beyond his prime and that his crappy play has something to do with the Packers sucking are the ones that are delusional. Not the media members who make excuses for him every chance they get. Nope, they’re not delusional at all.
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”I don’t know if you can listen to quiet, but you can listen to this quiet.” – John Madden
Don’t look at us; we don’t know either.
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”(David Garrard) reminds me of a Donovan McNabb/Steve McNair type.” – Tom Jackson
Translation: David Garrard is black. And is a quarterback.
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”Brett (Favre) doesn’t have to be accountable. He’s got 3 MVPs.” – Tom Jackson
Kurt Warner has two and he’s sitting on the bench because of his turnovers.
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“(The Cubs) look like the favorites in a weak NL Central.”– Joe Sheehan, Baseball Prospectus
Let the record show that we hold the Baseball Prospectus in high regard, but now the Cubs are going to win the Central? Really? A team that was 66-96 last season, good for dead last in the National League? Let us take a stab at this…. “the Cubs look like the favorites in a weak NL Central…if Kerry Wood and Mark Prior are healthy”. That looks more like the media we know.
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Crap that actually resonated from the Meadowlands
24 hours after the Cowboys defeated the Giants in Week 13, the media did what they do best: overreact.
“The legend of Tony Romo continues to grow.” – Trey Wingo
”Maybe one of the best throws ever by a right handed quarterback moving to his left.” – Merril Hoge (Hoge must have had a long day reviewing every throw in NFL history by a right-handed qb moving to his left)
”There is no denying that (Tony Romo) is a star.”– Michael Smith
”(Parcells) has made two moves and they’ve both worked out fabulously.” – Michael Smith
”First the quarterback, now the kicker, (Parcells) looks like a genius.” – Mike Ditka
”Parcells looking smarter than ever.” – Bill Plaschke
”Bill Parcells says, ‘I’m a genius for cutting Mike Vanderjagt’” – Trey Wingo
”You know what was impressive? Grammatica. Once again Parcells makes the right call.” – Jay Marriotti
”Now they’ve solved their kicking issues.” – Michael Smith
”This may propel them to the Super Bowl.” - Jay Mariotti
”I think they’re going to the Super Bowl. It was that big of a win.” – Michael Smith
“This is the best coaching job he's ever done... they had better players in New York" - Sean Salisbury
The Dallas Cowboys may well go onto the Super Bowl out of the exceedingly weak NFC, we just find it fun keeping tabs on the lavish overreactions around the NFL from week to week. Post-Week 13, Tony Romo continued his quest to become the fastest QB to go from no-name to “Media Legend”, Martin Grammatica officially solved the Cowboys kicking problems after just one game, and getting the Cowboys to 8 wins is apparently a better coaching job by Bill Parcells than winning two Super Bowls.
This is why our favorite day of the week is Monday.
Media Rant of the Week - 2006 Sportsman of the Year
Everyone was on the edge of their seat all year awaiting the big announcement and last Tuesday, it finally came. Dwayne Wade was named the 2006 Sports Illustrated Sportsman of the Year.
Given his rise to stardom and the NBA title he helped the Miami Heat win, it’s a choice that’s hard to argue against. Such was not the case with all the potential candidates.
In the weeks leading up the announcement, SI.com featured the choices of some of its writers for Sportsman of the Year. It’s safe to say SI encouraged them to think outside the box when choosing. Some highlights:
Vince McMahon- selected by Andy Gray for the WWE Tribute to the Troops tour.
Lindsey Jacobellis – professional snowboarder selected by Kostya Kennedy because she realizes that sports are supposed to be fun.
Julio Franco – 48 year old baseball player selected by Mitch Getz because he “plays for the love of the game”…and $1 million. Never mind that Franco played only 95 games last season.
Tra Battle – a safety for University of Georgia selected by Farrell Evans partially, as he admits, because he’s known Tra Battle since he was a kid.
The Russian Heavyweights – selected by Richard Hoffer apparently because they are Russian and heavyweights.
Barbaro’s Owners and Trainers – selected by Frank Deford even though he really thinks Roger Federer deserves it.
Suleiman Rifai – a blind man who ran the New York Marathon selected by Melissa Segura.
Dr. Dean Richardson – the doctor who saved Barbaro selected by Franz Lidz because he is Lidz’ neighbor and once gave him advice on how to handle his sick llama named Ogar (that’s not a joke).
And that’s just a handful. Nearly every writer was seemingly tasked with coming up with a more obscure and unknown selection for the Sportsman of the Year. They delivered.
And because of their persistence in coming up with weird and completely ridiculous selections for Sportsman of the Year, which resulted in a 400 word Rant of the Week, we here at the Stool have decided to cast our vote for these writers as the Sportsmen of the Year.
Sean Salisbury is Angry At You
Over the past two weeks, Sean Salisbury has been flat out pissed off. He’s especially peeved at the Falcons wide receivers and anyone who thinks Michael Vick is a crappy passer (most of mankind, in other words):
”Give me some new wide receivers. I’ve got three first rounders who can’t catch a cold!”
“I’m tired of people pointing the finger at number 7! All the fingers point at Michael Vick, all the nonsense, ENOUGH IS ENOUGH!”
And just in case you wondered what Sean thought of the sinking Carolina Panthers…
”If the ship is sinking, GET ME A DINGY!”
Let the record show that if none of you send a Dingy Salisbury’s way, he’s going to ransack your home and set it on fire.
Stool Samples is written by Josh Bacott and Pat Imig. They swear this stuff is real. Email them @ info@joesportsfan.com