Stool Samples

Two weeks ago, the Samples crew discussed the Sporting News’ loose, liberal use of the word “expert”.  TSN boasts 47 “Experts” on their championship Web site, including the previously documented insect-sports blogging “Caught on the Fly”  

But TSN has some serious competition, as it appears Foxsports.com subscribes to the steadfast sports media rule of ‘anything you can do I can do better’ (actually, we made that rule up).  After all, it is Foxsports.com that has the real group of experts.  In fact, they have 80 of them (EIGHTY).  If the list of 80 on air talents is any indication, it appears there’s only one prerequisite to join the FSN expert club: talking.

A scan of FSN’s ‘expert department’ finds a plethora of credible, knowledgeable experts dedicated to giving you nothing but the best insight and opinions money can buy.  People like Chris Rose, Brian Cox, John Salley, and Jillian Barberie (we’re not making that up). 

Since the previous paragraph was blasphemy, allow us the honor of describing what exactly some of the experts excel in, or at least, what we think...

John Salley – self-importance, the thought that anything contradictory towards his point of view is sheer stupidity, arrogance

JT the Brick – volume

Jillian Barberie – woman-breasts

James Brown – receiving an “Expert’s Page” for a network he’s no longer a part of while being employed by the chief competition

Tom Arnold – hyperactivity, polygamy

Chris Rose – frosted tips, boasting about records that no one person cares about (see: All Star Red Carpet)

Jeff Gordon – stating the obvious, asking rhetorical questions in a futile attempt to be funny

Brian Cox - flipping people the bird

Rob Dibble – stinking up the bathroom, being “that guy” at the party, supreme meat-headedness

As you can see, we’re all experts at something (and that’s what makes us so freaking special).  We just have to find out what that is.  And once we do, Foxsports.com should be knocking on our doors within seconds.

The fact that we can communicate a language with other human beings suggests we’re already on the right track.

Crap that actually came from somebody’s mouth
”I think he’s funny.  He’s a breath of fresh air.” – Drew Rosenhaus on Terrell Owens

Rosenhaus is dead on in this instance.  God, Terrell Owens rules.
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"I coach 10-and-under girls softball, with kids pitching fast-pitch, most for the first season they've thrown the fast pitch. And they don't walk nine. I'd never give them the chance. They'd be out of the game." – Peter King (comparing 10-year old softball team to Josh Beckett’s game with the Red Sox).

This quote isn’t worth any commentary because nothing will justify its greatness.

“(The Mets’) plan is to outscore their opponents to get to the World Series.” – Tim McCarver

McCarver did exhaustive research and found that teams who don’t outscore their opponents never reach the World Series.  He was stunned.
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”Those are the kind of things that need to happen for your team to win.” – Thom Brennenman, on Home Runs

Come on, Thom; don’t allow your one-day partner, Mr. McCarver, to influence your broadcasting style.  You’re better than that.
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“You know that saying, ‘This is what it’s all about’.  Well there’s a reason for that (because) this is what it’s all about.” – Tim McCarver

McCarver did exhaustive research and found that when people use the phrase “This is what it’s all about”, it’s because they believe the current situation is “What it’s all about.”  He was stunned.
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“There is a reason that the eighth place hitter is the eighth place hitter – because he’s the 8th best hitter on the team.” – Thom Brenneman

Heaven, help us.  Please, never allow these two to be paired in the same booth again.
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“I think the intangibles of the White Sox get them to the playoffs.” – Steve Phillips, explaining why the Sox take the Wild Card and the Twins go home

According to Phillips, things like experience, toughness, and chemistry will propel the White Sox (and their 4.55 team ERA) past the excellent starting pitching and best bullpen in baseball as found in the Minnesota Twins. 
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“It was the games against the American League that exposed the Cardinals' vulnerability. They were 5-10, allowed seven runs per game and experienced the first of their two eight-game losing streaks while playing AL teams, including an embarrassing sweep at the hands of the Kansas City Royals.” – Phil Rogers, ESPN.com

You’re right, Phil, a sweep at the hands of the Royals would have been embarrassing.  But after a ten second glance at the schedule, something Phil apparently didn’t do, it was brought to our attention that the Cardinals didn’t get swept by the Royals.  They won the last game of the series 9-7, taking the season series 4-2.  

Media Rant of the Week – All of you are Fantasy Football Deadbeats
(Warning: Today’s edition of Stool Samples is already over 1,000 words.  We typically like to keep these things just long enough to enjoy while in the crapper, but this week might be the exception.  Feel free to jump ship at this point, but this week’s Rant couldn’t be ignored.  What follows are portions of an actual article on msnbc.com and we just had to respond, even if it took this baby up to 2,500 words and two crapper trips.)

At this point, hopefully we’ve established that when it comes to crappy sports columnists, msnbc.com boasts one of the most impressive rosters on the net.  Mike Celizic, Michael Ventre, Don Pierson and Ron Borges, along with a good number of their counterparts on the site have made numerous appearances on the Circus at one point or another.  

While those esteemed journalists have set the bar high, on August 23rd, one of their own may have trumped them all.  His name is JT the Brick and he’s a radio show host who
occasionally writes for the site in a section known as “Sports with Attitude”.  Prepare yourself for an overdose of “attitude” as the Brick takes on fantasy football players… and the Stool
takes on the Brick.   
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This is the time of year when I am bombarded with e-mails and calls to my radio show about fantasy football. I am invited to play in several leagues by strangers from all over the globe….

Right out of the box, we know this guy is the coolest…fans all over the globe.  

I have never played fantasy football and I do not plan to dip my big toe into the water this season…

Yet something tells us he’s about to drop some science on those who do play fantasy football.  

Over the past few football seasons, I have accepted fantasy football fans for what they truly are, sports fans that have too much time on their hands and should get out more.

Question we have is this – you’ve just conceded that millions of people play fantasy football, including fans of your radio show, so who in the hell are you expecting is going to read this column and think “this guy’s got a point, fantasy football is for nerds.”?

The typical fantasy football player rarely goes to any football games throughout the course of the season. There are plenty who are season ticket holders in your town and support the home team at all costs, but the majority never drives a car into the parking lot of a stadium, sets up the grill and drinks a few cold ones before kickoff. 

Of all the boneheaded generalities we’ve heard in our day, this one definitely sits atop the standings.  Once again, Mr. Brick, you’ve conceded that millions of people play this game, yet you can summarize the “typical fantasy football player” in one paragraph?  Impressive indeed.  

And we’re also completely lost by what you’re trying to say here.  So there are plenty of fantasy football players who are season ticket holders and support the team at all costs, but these same people never show up at the stadium and park their car and drink beer?  We beg to differ.  Pretty much every season ticket holder we know is a loyal fan, tailgater and – gasp! – one of those “freaks” who plays that weird computerized football game that is tormenting you in your sleep.

I go to NFL games almost every week and interact with thousands of fans who can care less who you are starting at wide receiver in your fantasy league because they care more about the outcome of the game that they are actually attending.  

News to JT – nobody gives a shit who anyone else is starting in their fantasy leagues.  Doesn’t mean they aren’t in fantasy leagues.   

You all have friends who claim to go to work for a living but continue to use hand signals to warn their co-workers that the boss is walking out of his office and might catch you looking at your fantasy team’s statistics on your company computer.

Or perhaps, workers will be caught reading mind numbingly stupid articles from radio personalities on their company computer. 

I believe that most men who play fantasy sports need to look in the mirror and answer a few simple questions before they continue down this road with their computers and friends.

Ohhh Boy..........

1. Are you spending more much time with your fantasy football league than you spend with your family? How do you think your wife or girlfriend feels every time that they walk into the living room and you are looking at statistics or on the phone with a friend talking about your next game?  Should you be outside with your kid(s) teaching them how to shoot a proper jump shot or giving them advice on how to field a ground ball? I know the truth hurts, but get off your butt, turn off the computer and teach a kid how to play sports.

Dr. Phil, you better check yourself.  JT is coming for your job.  

2. If you are single and looking to find your potential soul mate, do you think winning your fantasy football league helps make you a better “catch”? I do not think that many women are impressed by your 26-point lead after Week 3 of the fantasy season when you look to break the ice on a date.

Raise your hand if you’ve ever been at a bar, speaking with a woman and decided that telling her about your fantasy football league was a solid pick up line.  If you raised your hand, then JT is right, you’re an idiot.  

If you are older than 30 and have a Brett Favre poster on your bedroom wall, you might want to sit out this upcoming fantasy football season and get back to basics. 

If you ask us, that sure does sound like a direct shot at Sean Salisbury.  

And he looks pissed, too.

3. Are you truly giving your employer 100 percent each time you arrive at work. …believe me when I tell you that your boss thinks you are a loser if you spend more than 10 minutes on fantasy football each day.

What if your boss plays fantasy football too?  Ah, now we’re in a quandary.  I suppose that means that our boss’ boss thinks we’re both losers.  In fact, our boss’ boss is probably hanging out with JT as we speak drinking cold beers and reminiscing about the good old days when the word “fantasy” was only used when talking about the chicks from Dynasty.   

4. Are you a better sports fan because you play fantasy sports? This is a tough question because I know that most football fans that break down the statistics of every player in the NFL are more knowledgeable than fans that do not care about these facts. I’m also confident that fans that stand in the rain in the final two minutes of a live game get more out of that experience than the guys who are sitting in a sports bar staring at their fantasy stats and could care less who wins any particular game.

Again, apparently our esteemed author has done the necessary research and determined that football fans can be neatly broken into two groups:

1.) Badasses who will stand in the rain and cheer
2.) Guys who look like Arvid from Head of the Class and care only about their fantasy team. 

Better look in the mirror and see which one you are - and which one you want to be. 

Losers.