SOX OFFENDERS

Boston, we have a problem. There is a group of guys that spend most of the game watching from a place called “the bullpen” who are called upon when the starting pitcher struggles or grows fatigued. These men are regarded as specialists, each with a very specific role. The “long reliever” is the guy who pitches when the starter struggles early or when the game is a blowout one way or the other – sometimes they are called the “mop up” guys. Then there is the “lefty specialist” who comes in to face one or two tough lefty batters. Next we have the “set-up guy” who acts as the bridge to get to the final inning. Finally, there is “the closer” who steps up to the mound in the ninth inning to get the last three outs and “save” the game.

With Mike Timlin, set-up guy extraordinaire and all-around bad-ass on the DL, there is not a legitimate arm in the pen to get to super-closer Papelbon. Timlin had given up just three runs in 19 innings before getting injured. Papelbon has been a machine, allowing just one run (in a non-save situation) in over 30 innings. Take those two out of the equation, and the results are frightening – an ERA of almost six for the remainder of the bullpen. And don’t forget that number doesn’t include inherited runners who are allowed to score. If you don’t have a weak stomach, keep reading as we take a closer look.

Dave Riske: Riske, surprisingly, has been one of the better righties to come out of the pen. He hasn’t allowed a run in his last 4 appearances (6 innings), and has only given up 3 hits in that stretch. He may look like he should be wearing a helmet and riding the short bus, but it looks like he can get guys out. I certainly wouldn’t leave him alone with my kids, or even my mother, but that’s OK. Expect to see more of him.

Rudy Seanez: OK, the Red Sox had this guy a few years ago and he had an ERA over six. A couple of good seasons, predominantly in the NL, so we get him back. He is averaging over a strikeout per inning but seems to allow runs in bunches. He’s been very durable but needs to keep the “bad inning” from happening. Regardless of his outings I doubt anyone will have the balls to fire Rudy. He spends his free time training with Ultimate Fighting Championship fighters. If I were him I’d use those skills to kick my own ass for being such a crappy pitcher.

Julian Tavarez: Let’s get one thing out of the way – this guy looks like he should be playing banjo in the backwoods somewhere. I swear I hear the Deliverance music every time he’s on the mound. Now, onto his pitching ability – or lack of. This guy is consistent – but consistently bad. The Red Sox are paying him 3.5 million dollars this year to suck. His numbers at home suck, his numbers on the road suck, his numbers versus lefties suck, and his numbers versus righties suck. Other than that, this guy is light-out.

Manny Delcarmen: The kid is showing some promise, but not getting the work. Time to put him to the test and see if he’s got the sac for the Majors or not. Come on, his name is Manny! He’s from Boston! Doesn’t the “local hero” angle alone cry out to give the kid a chance? If nothing else there is a major marketing upside to letting him pitch. At least until he starts sucking.

Keith Foulke: I had to save the best for last. Where do I begin? His ERA is a putrid 5.63 and rising. He’s given up 36 hits in just 32 innings, 7 of those hits left the park. He started out the season almost like the 2004 version of Keith Foulke. His ERA in April was 3.71 and he only gave up one homerun. Didn’t we all hope that he was back? That this was the Foulke that by all accounts should have been the 2004 ALCS and World Series MVP? But being the head case we all know he is its pretty obvious what happened. When Foulke realized Papelbon was the closer-to-stay, he called it quits. Worse than the numbers is actually watching the guy pitch. He doesn’t just mail it in; he gift-wraps it and puts return postage on it. All to the tune of eight million dollars.

There you have it, sports fans, the overpaid, under-achieving group of folks we affectionately call our bullpen. Unless the starters plan on going 8 innings every time they pitch to get to Papelbon, there are some ugly and frustrating losses in our future. It is only a matter of time before one of these ass-clowns blows a game and something bad happens. Schilling comes out of the dugout, rips off the guy’s pitching arm and beats him with it. Or Timlin just whips out his hunting bow and puts an arrow in the guy’s heart. At least that would make Web Gems.