Sox Offenders

Okay. So. The first month of the 2006 season is finally under our belts. As I write this, the streets below me are filling with Sox fans eager to welcome Damon back to Fenway, and show him a bit of the love on which we’ve built our reputation.

Myself, I see meager rewards even in a sweep of the Yankees. Thing is, this is a club with a lot of problems. The good news it, it’s only May, so it’s not too late to fix ‘em. And it is our sincere hope that Theo himself, intrigued by the beautiful girl on the cover of this newspaper, will pick up a copy, read these recommendations, and instantly elevate us to the key position of assistants to the assistant co-GMs.

Anyway, here’s what seems to be wrong:

We Traded Away the Only Guy Who Can Catch a Knuckleball: Actually, this was a problem until about six hours ago, when it was announced that the Sox had just grabbed Doug Mirabelli back from San Diego. This is good, because this Josh Bard business was getting a bit ridiculous even by my standards, and I watch every game drunk, naked and surrounded by penguins. Wakey is a good guy, but he’s also the kind of pitcher who can burp up a 7 run deficit rather quickly. Toss about 6 or 7 passed balls in the mix, and you can see why Wake was likely headed for a 2-20 season. The return of Dougie is good news all around.

Timmy Can’t Win Alone: The slumbering lumber has scored a measly 2 runs in Wakefield’s last 3 starts. This is the line-up with Manny, Ortiz, and Tek – do I need to go on? Between Josh Bard playing like his glove was made out of smoke and the rest of the players like their bats were made of smoke, Wakefield must be ready to climb the nearest clock tower. Did Timmy make the rounds with the players’ wives and this is payback? We need wins with Wake pitching; that means run support. Hitting .226 with runners in scoring position isn’t getting it done in support of the knuckleballer. Part of the problem is the AAA line-up Francona puts in when Wake pitches. Fix this shit. Soon.

Alex Gonzalez Really Doesn’t Hit: Okay, they warned us of this back in the day. When he was signed, we were told we were sacrificing offense for spectacular defense. Now the D has indeed been nice, but, man, they certainly weren’t fucking around when they said dude can’t hit. I mean, they said the same about Pokey and Bellhorn and Graffanino, but those guys would occasionally pull something out of their asses to surprise us. But A-Gon’s got nothing – nothing, I say. Holy god, it’s been so long since we’ve had such a glaring hole in the line-up that it’s actually becoming unsettling to me. Did we give up on Renteria too soon? Is the OC out of reach?

Wily Needs Mo At Bats: Let’s get one thing straight – this guy can hit. The moronic talk radio callers and tagalong sports writers who didn’t like trading a fifth starter for a legitimate outfielder will be the same crew giving this guy a standing ovation when he’ s hitting the snot out of the ball. Yes, baseballs have snot. But anyway, with Coco out and Adam Stern inexplicably sent down Route 95, Wily Mo should be in the line-up every night. If for no other reason than to keep Willie Harris’ ass firmly affixed to the bench where it belongs.

Manny Ain’t Being Manny: Okay, he’s been showing signs of a return to form lately, but overall, something seems – I dunno – different about our boy Ramirez this year. Does he miss Kevin Millar too much? Is he concerned about Bush’s immigration policy? Is he still upset that they replaced Mr. Roper with Mr. Furley on Three’s Company? Thing is, we’ll never know for sure, but Manny has been oddly quiet over the first month. When he turns it on, watch the fuck out, but I wonder if something isn’t holding him back this year.

Eye Candy Wins Games: So that’s a blatant lie, but it does make the between inning interviews less painful. Tina Cervasio has a mouth that looks like it should have a hook in it and Hazel Mae has a set of major league yabos. You do the math.

We’ve Only Got One John Papelbon: Papelbon has been one of the true bright lights in an otherwise dismal bullpen. Problem is, he’s only one guy. We need more of him. Like, ten. And once we clone him, we need to conveniently “remove” the likes of Seanez and Tavarez from the bullpen so that they can stop “fucking up the works” with their “impossibly shitty pitching.” Are you telling me a guy like John Henry, who probably literally papers his birdcage with money, hasn’t looked into cloning or some other bizarre robotics thing? I say pony up the dough, John Boy, and give us an army of Papelbons.

Speaking Of Rudy Seanez - He Sucks: Couldn’t think of any snappy headline to get this point across. Unless Tito bet on the “over” for runs scored and wants to insure a nice payoff or you have a friend in the Monster seats that you want to get a souvenir ball to, I can’t think of any reason to put this guy on the hill.  Did I mention he sucks?

Tito May Be Hitting the Pipe: How else to explain some of the bizarre line-ups he’s put on the field this year. I mean Willie Harris over Adam Stern or Wily Mo Pena? Or his bizarre allegiance to Rudy Seanez. Or his insistence on allowing Alex Cora to don a hat and glove and make like an actual big league player. Is he trying to prove a point? Is he silently protesting the offensive-impaired crew he’s been saddled with? I haven’t a clue, but I’d say there’s never been a better time for spot-testing management for doping.

More armchair management can be found daily at www.survivinggrady.com