SOX OFFENDERS

by Red & Denton

After winning the 2004 World Series on the strength of our pitching, the 2005 Red Sox promptly shit the mound everytime they took it. Keith Foulke went tits-up, Schilling was but a shell of his former self, and David Wells turned out to be -- gasp -- the staff ace. This year, there are plenty of new faces, but just as many questions. In the first of our looks at the 2006 team, we're fixing our eyes on the pitching staff.

The Starters:

Curt Schilling: Time for absolute, brutal honesty here: If Schilling can't cut it, we're fucked. Done. Out of the gate, see you later, don't bother switching off the lights. This is a pitching staff with so many question marks that we absolutely, positively need The Prince of Medfield to slip into the Big Pants and come up huge for us in 2006. Do I think he has it in him? Hell, yes. But that doesn't seal the deal. He's another year older. His ankle is still very much a question mark. And, Christ, there's all that stumping for George Bush's Iraq policy that he's gonna have to get to. We need something in the range of 17 or 18 wins from the guy. If we don't get them, we may be shut out of ther postseason for the first time in four years.

Josh Beckett: If he can stay healthy, I can't imagine Beckett not having a monster year. He's young, full of piss and lightning, and has actually had sex with Leeann Tweeden. On that last fact alone, the Gods may choose to grant him immortality. But, again, we're dealing with an "if." Beckett gets hurt. A lot. And if he goes down for any length of time, things could get real ugly real fast. At the very least, he'll likely be as interesting to watch as Pedro was in his prime, and I'm pretty jazzed about it. Twenty wins? Hell, he's new to the American League... it could happen.

Tim Wakefield: You never quite know what you're gonna get out of Wakey. One minute, he's got hitters so mystified they aren't sure whether to shit or wind their watches. The next, he's being taken deep by everyone shy of Johnny Pesky. It's an equation that's dogged him for most of his career in Boston, and I'd imagine he's gonna stick pretty close to the script this year. But he brings consistency, is very rarely hurt, and is a gamer in the truest sense of the word. Not only can he work on short rest, as spot relief, or to close games out, he does it without bitching and moaning about how "tha man's" keeping him down. Give me a team of Wakefields, and I swear by all that's holy I'd build a bridge across the fucking Pacific Ocean in one day. We'd give up a shitload of home-runs, but we'd get a pretty nice bridge goin'.

Bronson Arroyo: I still have a sneaking suspicion that Our Man Brandon [as A-Rod once called him] will be starting the 2006 season with another team. If he sticks around, hey, that's cool, too. Because he's probably good for about 15-16 wins. Sure, we'll have to put up with more of that singing, but it's a small price to pay if he buckles down and turns in a career year. Bonus points if he keeps snogging local college chicks!

David Wells: I, for one, am going to miss the David Wells era in Boston. Last year, the dude lead the team in wins, gave us at least two cool meltdowns, and even threatened Bud Selig during a post-game interview. How fucking cool is that? The thing is, we need another year of that magic. I think any starting rotation that includes Wells is going to be a better rotation, and I'm calling on all young, hip, comely women in the Boston area to get your asses down to Florida and commence Operation Convince Boomer. Though medical science continues to write off the guy, I'm betting he throws together another 15 win season, powered by Budweiser and sheer animal magneticism.

The Relievers:

Keith Foulke: Foulkie could be the lynchpin of the 2006 season with a 2004-like performance. A showing like last season and Foulkie may be met by a lynch mob. If we’re to believe his problems were solely physical, having both knees scoped should get him back to form. If you live near the grassy knoll, you probably think his problems were north of his knees. First, he was all over the internet “posing” with several hot, scantily-clad college girls, none of whom happened to be his wife. That ended up in a little thing I like to call divorce. Second, his normally sour disposition turned completely nasty. He was confrontational with the media and not willing to take responsibility for his performance. He made several comments that basically came down to this: Foulke doesn’t like being a closer, doesn’t like being a pitcher, and thinks baseball is boring. My money’s on someone other than Keith Foulke pitching the 9th by the All-Star break.

Mike Timlin: Make no mistake – Timlin is the man. If the Sox need someone to go into a pressure-packed situation and get a hitter out to preserve a lead, Timlin is the guy. If I’m in a bar fight with half of Hell’s Angels armed to the teeth with chains, guns, knives and drunken anger, I want Timlin by my side. If the president gets kidnapped by Mexican terrorists (what, you don’t think Mexico has terrorists?), I want Timlin going all covert to get him back. Let’s summarize – Timlin is the man and he is not to be fucked with.

Dave Riske: My first reaction…who? After a little research…who? This guy seems like every other middle reliever to pass through town. He’ll give you 70-something innings with an ERA around 3, serve up a bunch of homeruns, strike a few guys out, and that’s it. You won’t be carrying him around on your shoulders after game seven of the World Series, but you probably won’t be taking him out back and beating him with a pillowcase full of doorknobs either. He’s a piece of the puzzle.

Rudy Seanez: We know Rudy. He pitched in 9 games for the Red Sox during the 2003 season and tallied up a 6-point-something ERA. And it was goodbye Rudy. He’s put together pretty decent back-to-back seasons, but his success seems to be greater in the NL. I’m not holding out hope for the Seanez redux. He’s getting a little long in the tooth, and if you look at his stats, where was he in 1996 and 1997? Injury? Bagging groceries? Prison?

Julian Tavarez: Aside from the fact that he looks like he should be playing banjo for Burt Reynolds and friends in the backwoods somewhere, what are we thinking here? He gives up roughly a hit per inning and walks a lot of people. I’m not feeling it. Tell me guys like him and Seanez are just part-timers until the kids are ready. Please?

Lenny DiNardo: The lefty specialist. Here is a guy who knows his role and plays it well. He gets out lefties, but can get out righties. He’s young and he can pitch. What else is there?

Bronson Arroyo: I love Bronson. As a starter. Let’s move Wells and Clement and get Bronson back in the rotation, where he belongs. We’ve got relief arms supercharging in the minors, we don’t need Arroyo wasting his brass balls in the bullpen.

The Kids: Abe Alvarez, Manny Delcarmen, Cla Merideth, Jon Lester and Craig Hansen. All could be ready to add value to the big club this year. The jury is still out on Abe and Cla. They’ve had limited exposure in the majors and haven’t looked ready. But with another year under their belts? Manny, on the other hand, looked pretty damn good at Fenway last year. He’s as close to proven as we have, and I expect he’ll be mowing down opposing hitters by July. Hansen and Lester are the big unknowns. They also hold the most promise. Lester is a fireballing lefty, Hansen the same from the other side. By all scouting accounts, they are the real thing.

The days are getting longer and baseball is in the air. Next time, we’ll take a look at the position players. In the meantime, look us up at www.survivinggrady.com