Sox Offenders
SOX OFFENDERS:
IF IT ALL FELL TO PIECES TOMORROW
by Red and Denton
After winning the World Series in 2004, we came back in 2005 with a team that eliminated some key pieces of the championship puzzle, namely Pedro Martinez and Derek Lowe. In 2006, we've shed even more poundage, with only three familiar names [or four, depending on Youkilis' fate] in the starting line-up. In many ways -- particularly where Edgar Renteria is concerned -- this is not a bad thing. Hell, most of the folks who helped get us that ring were only in town for what seemed a fortnight. But it does open the door for at least the possibility of the dreaded "worst case scenario."
So this week, after reviewing all the things that could go right for the Sox in the last issue, we're gonna focus on the negative, and ask what if everything goes tits up, real fast? Here are at least a few things that could sink the ship out of the gate. Cue the sad music, please.
Mike Lowell Really Loses It: Everyone seems to be of a mind that Lowell's gonna turn it around. That playing in a city like Boston is just the kinda thing that will jumpstart his game. That he's ready to combat the anticipated negative reaction with a career season. This is all well and good, but what if he delivers nothing but pure, unadulterated suck? Bill Mueller was no Wade Boggs, but he did wield a somewhat potent stick and established himself as a true fan favorite with his "all business" demeanor. Replacing Mueller may prove more difficult than some of us are willing to concede.
The Anti-Closer: In October 2004, nobody could touch Keith Foulke. Angels, Yankees and Reds all became card-carrying members of the “I’m Keith’s Bitch” Club. In 2005, he was touchable. Like that kinda plain, slightly chubby girl in high school, he was very touchable. To make matters worse, he was a pissy little bitch. If that sack of shit shows up for spring training in a couple of weeks, bust out the “wait ‘till next year” t-shirts and start thinking Patriots.
The Dreaded CCO [Complete Collapse of Offense]: We don't wanna go here... not after the last two seasons have seen the Sox tearing the hide off the ball. But with a line-up that includes Lowell, Alex Gonzalez and Kevin Youkilis, we have to consider it. Manny and Ortiz are still a potent one-two punch, but if there's nobody on base ahead of them and no one to kick them across the plate, we're gonna need home runs like you dream about. The wild card in this line-up is Tek. Last year, guy couldn't buy a key hit. This year, he has to rise up and perform at his most Tek-like. If he does, good things may well happen. If he doesn't, we're gonna spend a lot of painful summer evenings watching Youk come to the plate with two out and the tying run at third. And you know how that's gonna play out.
Johnny Earns His Pinstripes: Yeah, we tell ourselves he’s getting old. Losing a step. And the Yankees overpaid. Way overpaid. But if September rolls around and the rock-star-turned-Boyscout is hitting .330 with 18 homeruns and 15 stolen bases and has already scored 100 runs? Well, then the Theo lynch mob comes out of hiding and our centerfielder will be known as Coco Fucking Crisp and Damon is taking a needle in the ass from Giambi. Shit.
The Ankle and the Blister: A large part of our 2006 playoff aspirations are affixed to the fates of one man's ankle and another man's fingers. If Curt can't bounce back from last year's debacle and Josh Beckett encounters more blister problems, then you're gonna need to start building fall-out shelters up and down Commonwealth Ave. This year's team is shaping up to be one built on run prevention rather than run production, and a big part of that is getting quality starts from our aces. This means hit the Wheaties and start taking whey protein shakes intravenously, muthafuckers, because once you go down, it all falls into Matt Clement's hands.
Manny Shows His Ass: And tells the Sox to kiss it. The Sox tried to trade him. Put him on waivers. Now Manny wants out of Boston. Or does he? Nobody knows. But what if Manny just says, “Fuck this shit” and decides to chill in the Dominican, work on his tan and grow out his bangs? Boston fans can grab their ankles and kiss the 2006 season farewell. Ortiz will be intentionally walked 400 times and end up batting righty just to see a few strikes.
Remy Removed: Consider, if you will, the RemDawg coming down with laryngitis. Frightening, eh? Now consider this: "Filling in for Jerry Remy, guest commentator Tim McCarver." When D.O. takes a night off to bring Remy some nice chicken soup, Joe Morgan comes a-callin’. Folks, lets hope it never comes to that.
Read more of Red and Denton’s crap at www.survivinggrady.com