SOX OFFENDERS

By Red & Denton

Winning the World Series helped heal a lot of old wounds. Made us feel better about ourselves and life in general. Suddenly our best friend’s hot-ass sister was desperate to screw us, that pain at the base of our skulls was anything but a tumor, and it was absolutely conceivable that we could pick the winning numbers for next week’s Mass Millions.

But one thing it didn’t do was make us complacent. Red Sox fans are still the same ornery, tough to please bastiches we’ve always been, and while we’re more than happy to celebrate last year’s otherworldly success – in many ways, in fact, the entire 2005 season has seemed like “bonus months” of the 2004 season – we stopped giving out free passes sometime after the All Star break. If the Sox failed to make the postseason, it’s safe to bet we’d have knocked down Pesky’s Pole, stormed and pillaged the Cask n’ Flagon, and fitted Renteria for an “eterna-wedgie.”

And if the final week of the regular season was any indication of what the post-season is going to be like, we’re in for a wild October ride. Not just for the Sox, but for all of baseball. Two of the eight playoff teams were decided during the 162nd game of the season. The Padres won their division despite thirteen teams having more wins. Three of the four American League teams have identical records. And the Indians gagged on their own mediocrity to give up an almost guaranteed wild card spot…to our own Boston Red Sox.

Now we erase all of the regular season stats and start over. Eight teams: first one to win eleven games gets the rings. Boston fans please remember this; now is also the time we replace our regular players with our hyped-up playoff model. Mike Timlin, the guy who let all the inherited runners score and blew some saves? He’s gone, replaced with Ultra-Timlin 2004. Curt Schilling who struggled all season as both reliever and starter? Gone. The Legend of the Bloody Sock is reborn in October. Most important, the Terry Francona who played favorites and rested people too much and made some questionable bullpen moves? I think you get the picture. Fear, pain and defeat do not exist in Tito’s post-season dojo… er, I mean clubhouse.

At home, we also get into playoff mode. All windows in rooms that have a television will be taped up, hurricane style. The fireplace is being blocked off until the World Series ends, due to the 2003 “incident” that I am forbidden by the courts to talk about. Tomorrow, the Maalox keg will be tapped during pre-game ceremonies and the meal plan changes to Tylenol washed down with buckets of coffee for breakfast and lunch, and Tylenol washed down with buckets of beer for dinner. Repeat as needed.

Okay, so. Now. The 2005 ALDS. Here’s what you need to know:

1. Getting There is Half the Battle
Let me just say that I have no problem with the Sox heading into the 2005 postseason as the wild card. Sure, winning the AL East would have been, to borrow a phrase from my Uncle Pudgy, “pretty fuckin’ nifty,” but I subscribe to the Malcolm X school of getting to the postseason by any means necessary. And seeing how the last three teams to win the World Series have all been wild card teams [the Angels in 2002, the Marlins in 2003, and Sox last year], I don’t see any shame in that game.

In fact, going in as the wild card works – at least in my fevered mind -- to the Sox’ advantage. Call me crazy, but I’d rather face the White Sox than the Angels in a five game series. Sure, we made quick work of Anaheim last year, but throughout September they’ve been playing as if every last member of the team has been replaced by that crazy fuck with the mohawk from The Road Warrior. And you can’t tell me that Vlad Guerrero, despite that pussified Pepsi commercial with A-Rod, doesn’t look like the sort of dude who regularly consumes human flesh. Let the Yankees deal with that shit, thank you very much; we’ll take Dustin Hermanson and everyone’s favorite 64-year-old, Jose Contreras.

2. Good Hitting Can Beat Good Pitching
Besides having the coolest named player in all of baseball with “Scott Podsednik,” Chicago’s biggest edge going into this series will be their pitching. Mark Buehrle, Jose Contreras, Freddy Garcia and Jon Garland present a much more formidable foursome than the Clement-Wells-Schilling-Wakefield combo that we’ll be throwing up there. In fact, I’ve already resigned myself to watching most of this series moist with my own urine, as I’m sure the fear factor will be off the charts. What if Clement goes tits-up? What if Wells’ ankles or liver give out? What if Schilling shits the bed? And then there’s Wakefield, who I love, don’t get me wrong, but Christ, some days I’d almost rather see Frank Oz and Jim Henson working a full-sized marionette pitcher than see ol’ Timmy going through the motions.

That said, the one advantage our pitchers do have – beyond Clement’s beard, which, as we all know, controls the tides -- is that they don’t have to pitch to our hitters. The Sox’ batters know how to wait on good pitches and they also score runs by the boatload. If Edgah and Muller and Millar and Tek can start pulling their weight offensively, I can’t see the Sox not steamrolling through these guys. Yes, it’s a big “if,” but stranger things have happened. Just check your “Faith Rewarded” DVD.

3. ESPN Announcers Will Continue to Redefine “Suck”
The worst thing about national telecasts is that we lose the genius that is Jerry Remy and Orsillo, and are forced to go slumming with the ESPN guys. Most are anti-Red Sox. Oh, listen closely and you’ll hear the digs. Sure, they start out with little things like, “I don’t know what Terry Francona is thinking here,” or “Boston just doesn’t have the arms they had last year.” Next thing you know, they’re busting with, “I think what Timlin needs is a good ass-fucking.” I suggest hitting “mute” and tuning in to Trup on EEI.

As for what happens in the other series:

Yankees versus Angels: All of my baseball sense tells me the Angels are a better team. But I know better. The baseball gods will conspire to make us face the Yankees again and take a few more years off the end of my life.

Astros versus Braves: Screw the Braves. What is the only thing worse than a team like the Yankees who gets there every year and wins? The Braves, who get there every year and lose. Besides, getting Roger back at Fenway for the Series is just too cool to pass up.

Padres versus Cardinals: Two teams’ worth of players will gather on the field. Many will be wearing shirts. Fans will applaud politely over their kosher franks and wine spritzers. And old man in row 32, seat 7 will pass out, drooling. Several other fans will follow suit.

Red & Denton run the god-awful Red Sox blog www.survivinggrady.com. Don’t go there.