SOX OFFENDERS

Well, quite a bit has changed since last time we gathered, hasn’t it? A few more pieces of the puzzle are in place, and the biggest question of the off-season has been answered. Oh, and that game they play with the funny-shaped ball? That season is over, but we’re not gonna talk about that. Not word one, got it? We’re talkin’ baseball. So gather ‘round, friends. Grab a frosty one from the cooler and find a place to sit.

Red Sox sign Sean Casey for 2008: Finally, a legitimate back-up corner infielder to spell Youkilis and Lowell. After seeing the Sox trot out guys like David McCarty, John Olerud and Eric Hinske to play first base over the years, Sean Casey will be a welcome sight. He doesn’t hit for power but he’s a solid contact hitter and has a decent OBP, something the Sox value highly. Casey was voted the nicest player in baseball last year in a Sports Illustrated poll, and answers to the nickname “the Mayor.” Curt Schilling posted a funny story about him over on his blog earlier this week. By all accounts, he’s the Mother Theresa of baseball. And what’s the over/under on how many “Casey at the bat” references we’ll see this year?

Clemens is still a prick: As big a fan of Clemens as I was for his entire career, he’s really working hard to make me regret it. Once he was named in the Mitchell report, the Rocket promptly grabbed a shovel and began digging himself in nice, deep legal hole. His battery of agents released a report that was somehow supposed to prove Rog was clean by compiling 40-something pages of mind-numbing stats. The only thing it proved to me is that his agents are apparently as stubborn and, dare I say, stupid, as he is. I was hoping they would have slipped a few pictures of Debbie in her prime, just as a distraction, but there was nothing but charts and graphs with pitching numbers. At least it made it easy to read the document at the office; it looked like some kind of sales report. Somehow, I can’t see this ending any other way than Clemens wearing an orange jumpsuit and answering questions about “anal injections” to a guy named Meat.

Johan is off the market: Never saw this coming. It looked like a Boston/New York battle all along, but not the Mets! When did they even get in the race? Anyway, I can’t believe the Yankees let Santana slip away because they didn’t want to part with Chamberlain or Hughes. We’ll check in mid-season and see how that’s going. I’m glad the Sox held on to their young talent as much as it would have been awesome to see Johan in a Red Sox uni. It’s one of the deals I could have lived with either way, like choosing between banging Jessica Simpson or Shania Twain: you really can’t lose as long as you don’t have to listen to them sing.

Sox get Aardsma for bullpen depth: The ‘pen is already mightier than…I got nothing, but it is even deeper now. David Aardsma looks like he’ll be fighting for a spot in the Red Sox bullpen. Last season, it was a key strength of the team, not to mention the sideshow they put on musically. Aardsma adds another layer in an already stacked bullpen. A great pick-up, although I might start taking hostages if I hear about him being before Hank Aaron in the Baseball Almanac again.

Tina Cervasio’s ass has left the building: I don’t know how Red is going to go on. Tina found a spot in Red’s heart formerly occupied by the likes of Hazel Mae and Gwen Stefani but she’s moving on. Personally, I found her shoulders kind of manly and her mouth uncomfortable to look at, but beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and Red was beholding. I’m all for throwing out the whole pretense of any baseball knowledge or broadcasting talent being required for her replacement. Let’s face it, we want eye candy. I’ve got a proposal in with NESN for wet t-shirt post-game interviews, Tuesday bikini nights, and body shots for the players after any wins. Strangely, haven’t heard back yet.

Next time we get together, Spring Training will be under way, winter will be losing its grip on us, and the sound of bats, balls, gloves and Jerry Remy will be all we hear. And hopefully the voice of a thong-clad reporter talking with Josh Beckett about his “stuff.”

Big stuff brewing over at www.survivinggrady.com. Are you ready?