Sox Offenders

Well, the ALDS went as expected with the Red Sox emasculating the wounded Angels in three straight. But unless you’re the Colorado Rockies, things get a bit tougher in the League Championship Series. The Sox and Indians are knotted at one game apiece. Beckett and the boys took it to C.C. Sabathia hard in game one. But the Injuns extracted a painful revenge in game two, putting the boots to the bottom of the Sox bullpen. It’s all about pitching depth and stamina in game three and beyond. There’s a long way to go in the post-season and we’re here to get you through it. Follow these simple steps, and you may just get out of this October with your marriage intact, gainfully employed, a reasonably healthy liver, and most of the skin still on your knuckles.

Plan Ahead: Face facts – games that start at 8:00PM are going end late. Between pitching changes, McCarverisms, and mind-numbing promotions for upcoming sit-coms, we’re talking really late. Let your boss know you will either be very tardy the next day, or you might not show up at all. Don’t try going old-school with the “sick child” or “car won’t start” excuses, they just aren’t playoff-worthy. This is October, go with “it’s my day to help out at the orphanage” or “the jury I’m on is getting sequestered, civic duty calls” – we’ve all gotta escalate our game in the post-season.

Prepare the Body: You know you’ll start out with a few cold beers in the early innings, telling yourself you’ll take it easy for the full nine. By night’s end, you’ll be shooting whatever you can find in the back of the liquor cabinet that hasn’t fully congealed, and freebasing Maxwell House to stay sharp. Take it from us; this can take its toll. You’ve got to be ready for weeks of this type of punishment. A strict off-day regimen should include a 12-pack of your favorite brew, three square meals that all include red meat (preferably grilled) and Doritos, and as much caffeine as you can ingest without impairing your vision too much. It’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Mend the Fences before They’re Broken: All relationships will suffer dearly for the next few weeks – spouses, children, parents and pets alike will see a side of you that they aren’t going to like. We’ve come up with a few battle-tested tips and tricks to keep you in reasonable good standing with those around you. Distance is your best friend right now – send them all away. Germany is particularly playful this time of year, but anywhere out of earshot and without access to the local police logs will do. Extravagant gifts won’t hurt, either: jewelry for the spouses, gadgets for the kids, whatever it takes for parents. Finally, sacrificing your holidays is a last resort but an effective one. Commit to Thanksgiving at Grampy Ben’s cabin in northern Maine just before the next game and you should be OK. And Christmas with 25 of your “favorite” in-laws is a small price to pay if you need to get through a game six or seven.

Playoff-proof the House: You know the drill, Hurricane Gagne could make an appearance and you must be ready. Masking tape on all the windows is a given if you haven’t already done it. Remove all family pictures from the walls – somehow when Tek whiffs at the high fastball on a 2-2 count, it will be their fault. Forget setting the mood on a chilly October evening with a nice warm fire in the fireplace, it’s a bad idea. Just ask my insurance carrier. All beverages must be consumed from plastic cups. All game food must be able to be eaten with nothing but your fingers. Even plastic utensils can become deadly with J.D. Drew in the line-up. A mesh cage in front of the TV may not make viewing the game as nice, but it does prevent the ever-possible Fenway Park Snow Globe through the screen and those hard to clean ass-prints from smearing the glass.

The rest is obvious and should be as much a part of your day as brushing your teeth or flipping off anyone with a Yankees bumper sticker. You should have plenty of Pepto (either a pre-tapped keg or intubation) for the between-shots maintenance of your stomach lining. Load up on your choice of over-the-counter pain medicine. I prefer a double dose of the generic ibuprofen during the pre-game show with supplemental doses whenever Grady Sizemore is at bat or Lopez is warming in the Red Sox bullpen. If and when we go to extra innings, switch to Extra Strength Excedrin for the additional caffeine boost.

Nothing to it, fans, it’s a simple recipe for getting through the ALCS. Lay off the grain alcohol and limit the post-game hookers to victories and you’ll be better for it in the end. Of course all bets are off when the World Series starts…

For more bad advice, visit Red and Denton daily at www.survivinggrady.com