My Side of the Story

From the time I was little, all I wanted to do was write. Well, that’s not completely true. There was a period where I was under the spell of Jonathan Brandis and I was convinced we were going to live in under the sea on Sea Quest DSV – but after the show was cancelled and Jonathan Brandis & Chief Brody went to that tuna can in the sky - I focused my energy on writing. Writing seemed to be one of only things I was ever somewhat decent at, well….that I could do in public and not strictly behind closed doors. So when I was given the opportunity to write for Comcast Sports Net and cover the Bruins, I jumped at the opportunity. I got a chance to go to games, watch from the press box and pretend that I deserved to be there.

Now, I’ll be completely honest – I didn’t feel completely comfy up in the box and it didn’t help my situation when I would tell people I was a Bruins blogger and I would get “….Oh” and then the conversation from there would end.  A certain Bruins broadcaster introduced himself to me and when I told him my name and informed him what I did – this is the response I got: “…..Oh…..Well, it was nice talking to you!”  *insert speeding car sound* Needless to say  there were some people who treated me like I had the plague – but there were a handful of people who made me feel welcomed.

Now I was writing about the Bruins on the Celtics flagship station’s website. So promotion for my work was going to be slim to none and I went into writing for them knowing that. I spread the word to websites and tried to get them promote us. And when I saw Deadspin was looking for broads to participate in their ‘Waxing Off’ section – I sent my contact info.  The first week I submitted, I didn’t make it. But the second week, the topic seemed to be tailor made for me – female reporters in the locker room. I wrote about my experiences in the locker room. It was amazing to be able to express myself normally, instead of the bland bs I wrote for Comcast.  Comcast said I could be snarky – but I just had a feeling the first douchey comment I’d make would get my ass into trouble.  So I didn’t and well, you saw the vanilla nonsense I spewed onto the screen.

So I submitted to Deadspin, submitted a bio and boom! By 4pm it was up. I was ecstatic, mainly because it was great promotion. I emailed the piece around and for the record, I DID notify my boss at Comcast that the piece was up. I’m not saying this to throw anyone under the bus or to pass the blame - I’m accepting responsibility for it – but if it was a problem, why not say something right then and there?

Cut to two weeks later, it’s the day before Christmas Eve and I get an email telling me the Inside Track was looking for a comment regarding the piece I wrote for Deadspin and how even though I’m not a full time employee, I still represent Comcast.  I apologized (I didn’t mean it to be honest) and figured it was over. Five minutes later, I get a comment on an article about Sean Avery I wrote telling me to check out Barstool Sports and ‘Good job’.  Of course, I work in an office that considers the site to be smut (and who doesn’t love smut??) and checked it out on my blackberry.

When I saw what was written, I laughed. It was cool; I was getting praise for my work. But I cringed when I read what El Pres basically said my stuff for Comcast sucked donkey balls on a humid day. Which, I knew was the truth – but what can you do? Five minutes after that, I got the email asking me to call into Comcast. I figured it was just to have me say some bullshit statement to The Track, yell at me, get Deadspin to remove the bio or piece, get back in their good graces and everything would be fine. Instead, I got an apologetic supervisor, telling me my work was good - but because the GM was having a conniption fit and I was going to be let go immediately.  After getting blindsided with that information, I told him thanks for the opportunity, wished him a Merry Christmas and hung up.

So how I really feel about being fired? I think there’s only one word to describe how I feel.

BULLSHIT.

What I wrote for Deadspin WASN’T THAT BAD.  I said BALLS for Christ’s sake! Ok, so I used the word ‘cock’. Seriously? It’s 2008 and we can see dead bodies on the nightly news – but saying the word ‘cock’ is grounds for termination?  Or was the GM of Comcast most annoyed with the fact I hate Crocs. I’m sorry – they’re fugly and I find them more offensive than the word ‘cock’.  Listen, it’s not like I gave a full description of what certain athletes look like naked and then wrote some lame fanfic putting them in gay situations. See! It could have been worse.  Although, that would have been a riot and I might to do that since I have so much free time.

When El Pres offered me the chance to write for Barstool  – I’ll be honest; I figured it was an early April Fool’s Day joke.  But I said fuck’it – shot him an email, posted on my blog I was looking for him (knowing full well you all were watching me and would spread my gospel like herpes at frat house) and waited for a response. While driving home on Christmas Eve, I spoke to the one they call El Pres and he extended an offer. I’m happy to announce, I’m going to be writing for Barstool on a regular basis. The President has given me carte blanche to write about whatever my two sizes too small heart desires.

This would probably be a good time to formerly introduce myself, I’m a product of Boston, I went to school in Chestnut Hill – I’m not a Super Fraud, I’m a Matress Gator.  I’m a sarcastic cunt and I’ve probably said worse about me than you can even think of – so save it. I’m a closet self loathing hipster. I love The Killers & MGMT – but I hate their shtick (Just make good music, you ass and leave the feathers at home!). I think the ass that said The Ting Tings was pop bullshit is a douche. I’m crossing my fingers for a B’s vs. Sharks Stanley Cup series. I would be proud if Sean Avery ever called me sloppy seconds. I think Scott Boras is a genius and a complete scumbag.  I think Amy Roloff & Kate Gosselin are shrews. I can’t drink vodka or I become the weepy drunk girl. And I hope one day I can get a huge ass pink diamond ring because my boyfriend or husband’s *accidentally* violated a hotel worker while visiting Colorado. As you can see, I’m a girl with dreams as big as my ass.

So before I leave, thank you to El President for this opportunity, thank you to the Bruins PR staff for everything, thank you to Deadspin for running my piece, thank you to Comcast for firing me and most importantly none of this could have happened if it wasn’t for one person.

Me.

You’re welcome.

Oh yeah 2 things, if I fucking see that Tree Man on TLC one more time I’m going to projectile vomit pepperoni pie and cashews everywhere and if anyone out there can get me a good deal on an IPhone – feel free to drop me a line.