Shank-o-matic: How to write your own Dan Shaughnessy column
There's a moment in every kid's life when he realizes he's not going to make it as a pro athlete. That no matter how much you want it, t he varsity coach isn't going to say "Blast all these gifted athletes with their natural abilities! Bring me that Thornton kid. His enormous desire and lion heart will inspire us all. I'll stake my non-tenured job on it!" And when that spirit-crushing moment occurs, every sports fan among us, every one, has asked ourselves the same question: "Is there some other way I can make sports be my job?"
I mean, no one goes from dreaming of becoming (depending on your age) the next Gerry Cheevers or Dwight Evans or Cam Neeley to saying "Aw hell. If I can't be a pro ballplayer I guess I'll just settle for being an HR Assistant in some wretched,dingy office somewhere." If you can't be an athlete, you'd still like to land a career in pro sports. And is there anyone among us who, no matter how briefly,didn't consider becoming a sportswriter?
You grew up reading the Boston Globe every day, and dreamed that maybe someday you could write like Peter Gammons or Leigh Montville. But somehow you decided you didn't have what it takes to be a sportswriter, and it was off to the cubicle with you.
Well that's no longer the case. Thanks to Barstool Sports, now you too can write just like the Globe's top sports columnist. The dedicated professionals in the Barstool research department have been working night and day, pouring over the columns of the Globe's legendary Dan Shaughnessy to uncover the formula allows him to produce columns that are brilliant, clever and entertaining time and time again. And we've reduced Dan's secrets to a simple, easy-to-follow method. Just work these basic elements into every piece you write, and in no time at all you'll be cranking out sports page perfection, just like the Curley Haired Boyfriend:
1. Remember, ABC: Always Begin with a Cliché. Dan loves cliches. He knows they're what gives his columns their unique style. So he never misses and opportunity to call a city by its cliche nickname. The Hub. The Windy City. Gotham. Tinseltown. The same goes for teams. Whenever possible, it's not the Red Sox, it's the Olde Towne Team, and they're playing the Pinstripes, a/k/a the Evil Empire. The Flying Elvises. The Pale Hose. The Redbirds. You should be able to do it for anybody. That's how you spin sportwriting gold.
2. Work Those Cultural Icons. When you're talking about a team, think of the first thing that pops into your head when you think of the city they're from. Add in a famous person from that city, real or fictional. Now think of their most famous food. Boston? The Old North Church, Ben Affleck and chowder. San Francisco? Cable cars, Tom Brady and Rice-a-Roni. Philly? The Liberty Bell, Rocky Balboa and cheesesteak. Include those references in your piece. Dan always does.
3. Stereotype. All New Englanders are pessimistic Calvinists. All Midwesterners are decent, corn-fed, salt-of-the-Earth types. All Californians are laid back. Work these stereotypes into every column.
4. Keep Beating Barbaro. Research shows that Shaughnessy has worked the Curse of the Bambino, Harry Frazee and "No No Nanette" into 93% of his columns in the last two decades, whether or not he was talking about the Red Sox. Even the 2004 World Series victory didn't slow him down. No matter how dry the well is, don't stop pumping. Dan Law? Dan Law.
5. Talk About Pop Culture. Shaughnessy is not the only sportswriter who likes to work pop culture references into his sports columns. But he is the only one working today who's frame of reference ended in 1984. It's very likely that the last album he bought was "Born in the USA." If he's ever referenced a movie other than "Animal House," we can't find the quote. As for TV? If it's not on TV Land, Dan hasn't seen it.
6. Make Yourself Part of the Story. To be a big name in the world of sportswriting, you have to be controversial. You have to stir up trouble. Shoot from the hip, consequences be damned. And no one thinks he does that better than our boy Dan. That steaming pile he dropped on the Globe sports page last week about the "feud" he's having with Curt Schilling was a masterpiece of over-inflated self-importance. Of course, you should always mention you just want to cover sports, you hate being part of the story.
7. Logroll. Remember, your readers are always on the lookout for a great read. So whenever possible, make mention of a truly interesting thing you read in one of your Globe colleagues' books. The fact that doing so will make money for your friends,and they'll return the favor by putting a glowing quote on the dust jacket of your next book "It's Been Two Years Now: Is the Curse of the Bambino Back?" is secondary to you providing this valuable public service.
8. No Pun is Too Lame.
So how does this work? Let's try it. Plug those seven elements into a story on any topic, and you'll have written your very own Dan Shaughnessy column. It'll work for anything, but just as an example, let's write about Super Bowl XLI using the Shank-o-Matic formula:
MIAMI- The Chicago Bears vs. the Indianapolis Colts. (1) The Windy City vs. The Farm Belt. (1) Da Bears against the Horseshoes. (2) The stockyards vs. The Brickyard. (2) Oprah vs. David Letterman. (2) Ernie Banks vs. Reggie Miller, both Hall of Famers who never won the Big One. (2) The Blues Brothers against the Jackson 5. (2) A 64 oz. steak vs corn on the cob.
Here in (5) Margaritaville, where (5) Jimmy Buffett is king, everyone was waiting for the Colts (5) Volcano to blow. (Even Tony Dungy was wearing (5) a Pencil-Thin Moustache.) For a while, it looked like an upset in the making. Chicago kick return phenom Devin Hester staked his team to an early lead by running back the opening kick for a touchdown. If (1) Da Bears defense could just keep the high powered Indy offense in check, it looked like we might have us a ballgame. But even in driving rain storm, Lovie Smith's crew proved (8) they couldn't catch a Colt.
Just like on (5) "Gilligan's Island," Lovie was just another castaway.
Now the Colts are on top of the football world.
For a long time, it looked like it would never happen for the team that left Baltimore, the land of (5) "Diner" and (2)crabcakes in moving trucks in the middle of the night. Since then the Colts have seemed cursed. (4) Like the Red Sox ever since Harry Frazee sold Babe Ruth in 1920 so he could finance the show "No No Nanette," Robert Irsay's team was always full of superstars but (4) always came up one play short.
But Colts fans are different from New Englanders. Here in (1) the Hub, (3) we embrace the misery. Losing is part of our culture, like (2) lobster and (2)rotaries. But here in flyover country, the typical football fan (3) is decent,polite and loyal, win or lose. Like (5) the Ingalls family in "Little House on the Prarie."
And the media in Indianapolis is a reflection of the fans. No one criticizes the Hometown Heroes in print. (6) Which is a lot different than the relationship I have with the Patriots, ever since I wrote a scathing column ripping Robert Kraft for carrying a stop watch at the NFL Draft Combine in 1997. The team has told me I'm not welcome in the press box, but I haven't made a big deal out of it (6) because I don't want to be part of the story.
And what's to criticize? Peyton Manning is the best quarterback in the world. Meanwhile, all Lovie can do is say to poor Rex Grossman what (5) Dean Wormer told Flounder, "Son, fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life." But Manning,like a (5) Faber College pledge, ran through the NFL gauntlet and now he's made it into the fraternity of Super Bowl Champions.
Now the only thing he needs to say is (5) (8), "Thank you sir. May I have another?"
--Dan Shaughnessy
Or if the Shank-o-Matic is too much work, you can always write one of those horrible "Picked up pieces" observational columns. It always works for Dan.