Sex Scandal Teachers Starting Lineup
This is Paola Queen, the most recent teacher to get caught having sex with one of her students. Given the fact that Paola is 37 and the student she was banging is 11, you've got to give her credit for a nice effort, but looks wise, she just doesn't have what it takes to be among the Teacher Sex Scandal greats.
There was a time when the idea of a teacher being depraved enough to bed down with student in and of itself was enough to fuel a generation of wet dreams. Not anymore. Unfortunately for Ms. Queen, the bar has been set way too high by teachers way more attractive than her. She simply doesn't have what it takes to make our lineup. At best she's a benchwarmer, at worst, she's on her way to Triple A.
The Sex Teacher Batting Order:
Leadoff hitter: Mary Kay Letourneau, age 33, Shorewood Elementary School Burien, WA
She may be only "above average" in the looks department, but I love Mary Kay at the top of my lineup. She's everything I want in the top spot. She's tough, tenacious and relentless. A battler. She went to jail for having a baby with 13 year old Vili Fualaau. Then when she got released and was ordered to stay away from the lad, she went directly to him. When the cops found the pair, they were steaming up the windows in MK's car. She and Vili got married and had another kid together. I like that kind of spirit, it sets the tone for the whole lineup.
No. 2 Hitter: Amber Jennings, 31 Sheppard Hill Regional High School, Dudley MA
Amber is another tough out who won't give away an inch of the plate. She videotaped herself having sex with her 16 year old boyfriend and emailed him naked pictures. I think she'd post a great OBP (Oversexed Boys Produced). Plus I'm a total sucker for chicks in glasses. Also I'm partial to local kids, so I like her here in the 2-hole.
No. 3 hitter: Debra Lafave, 24, Greco Middle School, Temple Terrace FL
Now we're in the heart of the order. Deb is the gold standard for sex crazed educators. She nailed her 14 year old student in the classroom, at her house and in the back seat of her car while his 16 year old cousin drove. She has all the tools: looks, nymphomania and an utter lack of morals. The audiotape of the conversation where she made him "pinkie promise" not to tell anyone is already in the Hall of Fame.
Cleanup: Pamela Rogers, 28 Warren County, TN
Pam is the best in the business at RBIs (Raging Boners Induced). She's got beauty and the complete absence of good judgement, a terrific combination. She was held in jail for boning her 13 year old honey and was ordered not to contact him. But as soon as she made bail, she started sending him nude pictures and this career defining cell phone video:
No. 5 hitter: Erica Chevillar 25 Boca Raton, FL I debated putting Erica on this list because she never actually had sex with a student. Her sex scandal involved her posing as for the US National Bikini Team. But she's here because she's just that good. Arguably the best looking player in the lineup she gives much needed protection to Deb and Pam. And since every student she ever had downloaded her pictures, she's probably responsible for more teenage ejaculations than the rest of the list combined.
Batting 6th: Carrie McCandless 29 Brighton Charter School, CO
Carrie may have had a career as an educator and a cheerleader coach, but in the pantheon of sex teachers, she'll always be defined by two word: "Principal's Wife." She's a hard worker who once sent 76 text messages to her 13 year old swordsman in one day. She'll put in the extra hours to make herself better, as she went on a school-sponsored nature walk, wandered off with the kid, drank grain alcohol with him then dry humped him on the floor of a cabin while other students were asleep in the room.
7 hitter: Kristen Margrif, 26 Mayville, MI
Frankly I'm burying Kristen here in the bottom part of the lineup. Her looks are just OK, and she doesn't demonstrate the kind of power the others display. She had a 16 year old boyfriend whom she schtupped a mere eight times, either in her car or where he worked. I'm just hoping that if I keep her here, take the pressure off, she can develop as a hitter. Maybe get pregnant by the kid or something.
No. 8: Allenna Ward 23 Clinton Middle School SC
I like Ward not so much for her looks, obviously, but for the pop in her bat. She's put up great power numbers at a young age, already having homered with five different students, ages 14 and 15. Allenna's locations of choice include school, a motel and the park. I think she can cut down on the bad at bats and provide some good production to the bottom of the lineup.
The 9 hole: Jill Moore, 28 Ware Shoals High School, SC
The last spot in my order is by no means a slight on Jill. I like someone in the nine spot who, once we've gone through the lineup, can be like a second leadoff hitter. Jill is another cheerleader coach and a guidance counselor who's career advice to two of the girls involved skipping College Day at the school and coming with her to the National Guard armory to bang a couple of Guardsmen she knew. She also bribed girls with booze and cigarettes to distract the other soldiers so she could hump her Guardsman boyfriend. I love that kind of fast chick at the bottom of my lineup.
So that's how I'd put the lineup together. Damned shame that Pamela Smart retired. I could've used her.
